Until My Heart Stops Beating
by presidentofteamjacob
Summary: Set in New Moon AU, this fic explores Bella's slow transition after Edward leaves. He left her a broken shell of a person, half crazy and semi-suicidal. Slowly, with Jacob's help, she finds herself again. But when Edward comes back, will she be strong enough to know what is the right path to follow? [Experiment in seeing Bella having some sense and getting a life.] Warning: ANGSTY!
1. Chapter 1

**_He stared at me and I looked down quickly. "I think we both know it's not getting any better."_**

**_"I'm fine"_**

**_He ignored me. "Maybe, well, maybe if you talked to someone about it. A professional."_**

**_"You want me to see a shrink?" my voice was a shade sharper as I realised what he was getting at._**

**_"Maybe it would help"_**

**_"And maybe it wouldn't help one bit." He examined my obstinate expression, and switched to another line of attack._**

**_"It's beyond me, Bella. Maybe your mother-"_**

**_"Look," I said in a flat voice. "I'll go out tonight, if you want. I'll call jess or Angela."_**

**_"That's not what I want; I don't think I could live through seeing you try harder. I've never seen anyone trying so hard" he argued, "It hurts to watch"_**

**Bella POV**

I got out of the house. I'd hit the highway before I'd realised I was driving. Halfway to La Push before I'd given a thought to where I was going.

Where else would I go?

_La Push, because that was somewhere he decidedly wasn't. _

He was in so many places, that I was running out of earth. There were no cities I could really dream about going to, getting lost in, getting found in_. _

He'd talked told me about being in Paris and London and Sydney and Tahiti and the whole world, it seemed, was bearing his imprint, so what was left for me?

_(I wanted to say to him, OK, I get it, I'll steer clear, but please tell me where you are, which life did you leave me for? Is it the same one you lived before you met me, before you left me, and how many more will you live, how long is this for... but yes, I forgot, you are forever and I'm just dust - )_

At least La Push was mine. And so I drove.

Charlie thought I needed professional help _(translation: suspect my daughter is officially batshit)_

And if I thought long and hard and...well _honestly_...about it, didn't I suspect it too? I had been mad - out of my mind - with wanting Edward. Mad to think I could ever have had him. _For real. Forever. _And now he was gone and I was mad without him. Hearing voices. Seeing things.

I hadn't been so blind that I hadn't noticed my isolation at school. It was all a cycle of me avoiding people and people avoiding me. Jessica, Lauren...even Angela didn't seem to know what to say to me anymore. And I had no words inside me at all.

Maybe crazy is what this was.

So I did the what came naturally - got the hell out of the house. Tested the truck's limits. Drove over to the one guy who sometimes still made sense. The only person who probably didn't think I was nuts - or blithely ignored the fact.

Jacob.

He was under the Rabbit and covered with patches of grease but when he heard me enter the garage he pushed himself out from under the car. Flash of white teeth in a tan face, heart-warming smile.

"Hey Bells," he said, low voice, but ringing with that deep-hidden happiness he pulled out for me every time.

_(Did you see that, _I asked myself_, see that, not all__ people learn, not all people figure this out, so instinctively, how to hide-away their happiness deep like that, so that it's always there, so that they always have it, I never did learn, maybe I should ask him how - )_

He was used to me. Conversations I'd be having with myself, so I wouldn't reply right away. He wiped his hands carefully, tossed away the dishrag, walked up, still smiling.

_(Yes you're right, _I told myself,_ that's what I was thinking of, that time he was leaning against my truck, and then when he turned to me slowly, bent down and picked that blade of grass out of my hair with that lazy smile - )_

And when he smiled at me like this, as if he were really happy to see me -

_(Like I was worth something, I was not someone people just threw away when they had had enough, even if of all of the ways they could have had me they, they didn't even have me at all, but they had enough anyway, and then they left me in the woods -)_

When he smiled I was almost confident that the world (and I) were still relatively sane_. _Even if my own father had just insinuated I was certifiable.

"Jake", I said as I finally got near enough for him to wrap me up in one of his hugs. _I live for these hugs,_ the thought came unbidden, and I didn't brush it away, anchored myself a little longer to it.

He smelt like the woods and clean-boy soap, mixed with a little motor grease. _  
_

And now he pulled away and he was all irrepressible grin.

"Jake...", more words were coming unbidden. I am out of words everywhere else, but sometimes they tumble out in this garage somehow, and when they decide to do that I can rarely stop them. "Do you think... umm..." I trailed off nervously. It had suddenly occurred to me that this here was pretty much the only friend I had right now. And I didn't want to give him any ideas about my mental state, scare him off or something. "Do you think I'm..."

But my gut told me that no matter what I threw at him on any given day... he probably wasn't going anywhere. _Probably. __He probably won't leave me in the woods. Probably._

"What, Bells?" he prompted. "Do I think you are...?" The twinkle in his eyes told me his brain was coming up with creative ideas.

While I was trying to figure out how to put it he started guessing, "Gorgeous?" He was barely suppressing his laughter. "Crazy? Coordinated?" He was laughing now and leaning on my shoulder with his arms while I huffed and huffed at him. "Check, and check, and... ummm". Now laughter was rolling off of him and I felt myself both tense up and calm down in the same instant,_ how strange, this feeling_.

So I asked him flat out, "So you think I'm crazy?"

He sputtered, "Bells.. you're not _just_ crazy. You're the ultimate bad ass. Raising madness to a form of high art since 1990, or something. And the fun part is you get away with hell because you look like this delicate 18 year old girl. But you buy junk bikes to fix up and bang them up again, and you laugh through horror movies, and you love that truck of yours more than life, Bells...", he took my hand to say, "let's not insult it by calling it just crazy."

A beat. Two.

"And by the way, I love that about you."

_White grin in a tan face. Heartwarming smile._

I could feel myself growing more pink. I placed my hands on his shoulders.

"OK, OK. Forget crazy. But..what about OK? Just...OK. Do you think I'm OK?"

"What do you mean...OK?" He still spoke lightly but I didn't miss the unmistakeable edge in his tone. He was listening seriously. For some reason this made me more nervous.

"I don't know Jake. Charlie thinks maybe I ought to see a doctor about...what happened..." My voice was a whisper by the end of it and I couldn't say the name out loud.

He started nodding before he started talking, like he'd already thought it through. "OK... and what do you think?"

I didn't reply. He didn't ask again.

He was considering his words carefully as he spoke, picking each one with care. Afraid of hurting me but being honest, because compromising with honesty was so not his style.

"Maybe that's not a bad idea you know.." Jake said, all the while looking at my face, not looking away at all. Under his stare my face started to feel hot and uncomfortable, like I was wearing a plastic mask.

_(Plastic mask, what if I could throw it away, become another person, the real me, find her, who is she and where, I didn't see her in the woods because she wasn't left there like I was - )_

"So... you think I'm seriously crazy too?" I felt a crushing sense of hopelessness when I thought about that. More so now than with the rest of the world.

_(I'd really thought Jake might have known where she is, sometimes he seems to know something about me that I don't, the way he smiles, but maybe I'm just crazy.)_

"Hey Bells." his voice was soft. He put a finger under my chin to tip my face up so I was looking into his eyes. "I don't think you are crazy at all. Far from it."

He sat on the floor and tugged me down next to him, his arm comfortably around me. "You are just... you're different Bells. I just think maybe because you cared .. too much... maybe it won't hurt to talk to someone who will tell you what you are going through maybe? Like spring cleaning up here" He pointed at my head and gave me the kindest smile.

(And suddenly I thought _I'm sorry this pains you too I can see, I'm sorry.)_

"Sometimes, maybe it's not a bad idea to let someone in y'know?"

"But Jake - I have you... don't I?"

**Jacob POV**

Her eyes looked so hurt and confused. This was worse than I had seen of them all this while.

Charlie's words had gone straight to the one place where Bella was missing more than a few pieces already - her battered self-esteem.

"Goes without saying. But then _talk to me_ Bells. When you feel bad about something, you talk to me. OK?"

She smiled then, suddenly, like I'd given her a gift or something. It made my chest hurt. "OK."

I gathered her up in a hug that I hoped took away some of that uncertainty from her eyes.

And out of nowhere, random words in my head flickered for a moment, vanished. _For real. Forever. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Bella POV**

As I drove Charlie and myself to la Push that Friday, I was looking forward to life. For now. Charlie and Billy were going to spend the weekend fishing at the cabin near the Makah res and I planned to be in La Push most of the time they were gone.

It had been one of those days at school. It all started in Math class. I had been staring out of the window. And suddenly - I could have sworn I saw a silver Volvo drive through the school parking lot. _Sitting in my chair, and I still managed to lose my balance. _Dropped my book in the process. And then I was even more startled when I heard my name being called from a distance.

What was it that movie had said? Hope, the quintessential human delusion. And me, the quintessential human. _Human, despite all my dreams and... hope_. Silver cars, voices calling from a distance, and suddenly the room was spinning around me.

A voice calling out my name. Everything could change this very instant.

I stilled my heart, breathed, and_ listened_ to it.

And then I realised it was Mr. Wilkins asking if I was OK. Because I was _still_ crouched on the floor, my hand on my fallen book. Not moving._ Just listening to voices and hoping._

_Hope comes suddenly and retreats quickly, leaving me more desolate,_ I thought an old thought.

Angela asked me too after class, and told me sheepishly that Mr Wilkins had had to call out my name half a dozen times before I heard him.

All I wanted to do now was sink down into oblivion and pretend my life wasn't happening. That's why I was glad we were visiting Jake.

He never asked me for any details, but I think he sort of instinctively knew how bad things were for me. And in any case, even if he asked, what would I tell him? How could even he understand that Edward's last words echoed in my head _all the time?_ The pain never got lesser, so it almost felt like he left me every single day.

I hated myself for still missing him. More than that, I hated myself for being such an idiot in the first place. For believing in his promises of eternal love.

I mean how stupid could I have been? Someone like Edward just wasn't meant for someone like me.

Jake didn't talk to me about any of this stuff but he still knew when to let me be, when I needed a bit of quiet to piece my thoughts together. I think that was the biggest reason I liked being around him. As long as I was with him it didn't seem to matter that I was an idiot, and a broken one at that. I could still feel sort of... normal.

I brought my truck to a halt, jumped out and ran to the Black's front porch. I knew that Jake would already be there - he always was, as if he could hear us coming from miles away. There was an unbuttoned shirt flapping around him, and he was wearing long cargo pants - and this was way more dressed than I'd seen him be for a long while. _When did he get so built up? _I wondered, not for the first time in the last few days.

It seemed that there was a jump that Jake made between being a gawky teenager and a seriously muscled almost-adult, and I definitely hadn't been looking when it happened. All I knew was it had been very, very fast, and one day I looked and he was...like this. Gone was the boy who ran around with me just a year ago. I'd never admit it to him (since that would be a fatal blow in our who-is-older competition), but he didn't really look sixteen anymore.

Except when I looked in his eyes, that is. Then it was the same old Jake.

He gave me a bearhug, lifting me off my feet while I squealed. Charlie was slower behind me, lugging his fishing gear. Charlie and Billy started up about their new tackles. Their enthusiasm about sitting around holding fishing rods all day for two days totally befuddled me. After a quick dinner of the lasagne I had brought with me, Charlie and Billy said their goodbyes and set off on the long drive. They wanted to get a quick rest at the cabin and be at the waterside before sunrise.

Jake told me there was a bonfire that night at the beach if I wanted to hang out. I nodded, and we headed there. We threaded through the woods on our way to the beach in the waning light. He knew the route like the back of his hand and seemed to predict just when I was going to trip over a hidden log, so he always caught me before I fell, but ribbed me mercilessly about my hiking skills.

When we emerged on the beach it was a beautiful twilight. Quil and Embry, whom I had met in Jake's garage earlier, were stoking the bonfire. There were a dozen or so teenagers around, sprawled in the sand or chasing each other and laughing.

"Is there something in the res water supply I should be knowing about?" I asked Jake as I took in all the tall, muscular teenage boys around the area.

"Nah. It's just superior genetics", Jake deadpanned. I almost couldn't argue with that. They just didn't make them like this at my school.

There was a particular bunch of guys who stayed away from the others, playing rather rough tackle on the beach. Jake scowled when he looked at them and said, "I wouldn't get too friendly there Bells. That's Sam Uley's gang. Those guys are bad news."

I'd heard the rumours about drugs and gangs on the res but when I really looked at those boys, they really just looked like teenagers having fun. Except for the freakish muscles on all of them.

Jake introduced me to Seth and Leah, both of whom I'd met when I was much younger. Leah just sort of glowered at me, and I was too bruised right then to work with that, so I pretty much aborted all Leah efforts there and then. There were a couple of girls sitting a bit further away who were looking over at us but Jake didn't look over at them. One of the girls was stunning, with a clear golden brown skin tone and long silken hair that framed her delicate features. I noticed that she was looking at our group quite a bit and wondered if she was friends with the boys. I heard someone call her May.

"So, Bella", Quil wanted to know, a naughty look in his eyes "You ever think about how much more fun your life would be if you went to school on the res here?"

"More fun? How so?" I played along. There was something really likeable about Quil. I'd warmed up to him the first time I met him.

"Well for one...you could be around me all the time. Girls usually appreciate that," he teased me in a very flirtatious tone. "Then, you could take all your classes with me and I could y'know, teach you a thing or two. Maybe after classes sometimes..". He winked at me.

I felt my face grew red because I wasn't used to such blatant flirting. I wasn't uncomfortable because I had a feeling this was how Quil joked with all girls. But Jake was looking at me strangely and I didn't quite know what to say.

I opened and closed my mouth for a bit. I felt Quil and Embry snicker.

So I decided anything was better than letting a 16 year old_ kid_ leave me speechless. I've never tried to speak in a seductive voice in my life but I tried nevertheless. "And how are you so sure _you'll_ be doing all the teaching?" I blinked up at him, smiling.

Embry said something like, "Oof, girl's got a point." Quil grinned at shrugged, "Maybe not. After all you_ are_ the older woman."

Just then Jake said in a strangled sort of voice, "Quil...Do you have to start that with anything in a skirt that moves?" His tone was light but there was a certain tone to his voice, that wasn't joking.

I looked up at him and smiled, because to me it was quite clear we were all just kidding around. He didn't smile back. He was looking at Quil.

Embry and Quil just sort of snorted and Embry yelled, "Jake you lost me five bucks man!" and Quil said, "Told you he wouldn't last five minutes." And they both guffawed as they ran away.

"What was that all about?" I asked Jake as we sank into the sand near the bonfire.

"I have nooo idea", he said, although I had a feeling he did. He was a bit quiet after that, staring moodily into the flames.

But Jake being Jake, in a few minutes was himself again. As more kids came and gathered around the fire, he slipped my hand into his in a comfortable grasp as he laughed and talked with everyone. It was easy to see how well-liked he was and I wasn't surprised at all. I'd hung out with him alone so much that I hadn't really given any thought to his general popularity before. It became kind of obvious that it wasn't just me that his easygoing confidence attracted. I guess it was hard not to feel happy around someone who always radiated a quiet sort of happiness. Like Jake.

He tried to keep me in the conversations as much as possible but in the end, I just had to share. It was fun though, and I laughed along with their antics.

The pretty girl I'd noticed earlier came and sat down directly across from me with her friend, next to Jake. She said something to him in a low tone, smiling. I noticed Quil and Embry ribbing each other as they looked at them. Jake didn't seem to notice though and he turned to me to say, "Bells, this is May, that's Yas. We go to school together." May smiled warmly at me and I was once again taken in by how lovely she looked. It wasn't just her face though, there was just something about her. Something to do with how comfortable she was in her own skin. In that she seemed to be a lot like Jake, with a ready smile for anyone and everyone. So not like me. I was trying to remember when I'd last sat down next to a boy and started an easy conversation - but I couldn't remember. I don't think I ever had.

And now I'd probably never be like her. The truth is I didn't know how to be normal with people anymore. Without Jake shielding me I'd be lost here too. Yes, there'd been a boy who had made me feel like I was good enough for anyone. But he'd apparently been too good for me, and one day just left me without any reason. That's how awesome I was.

Even near the warm bonfire, cold crept up to me when I thought of him. I didn't want to think of him, dammit. Not now, I wanted to just be normal and fit in amongst Jake's friends. At least as much as a white girl could. But the cold feeling kept growing and I had to hug my knees to my chest.

When Jake's hand was suddenly lifted from mine I turned to him blindly. The hole in my chest was hurting like a physical wound. I saw him animatedly describe something to May and Yas, and yes... I'm sure he needed his hand for that.

It was then that I saw clearly that I had no place here. I never would. All these kids were normal...happy. Jake deserved to be around kids like this, not around me. I would drag just him down into my blackhole of pain as well. I scrambled to my feet and ran towards the woods.

I had to get out of here.


	3. Chapter 3

I hadn't gone more than ten steps into the woods when I felt a big warm hand grasp my wrist and pull me to a stop. "Bells! Where you going?"

I guess I should have realised Jake would notice when I left. But it had almost looked like he was having too much fun to actually follow me.

I stayed turned away from him so he wouldn't see me crying. The last thing I needed was for him to think I was pathetic. _Like everybody else._

With my face still facing the direction of the trail I said, "I didn't notice how late it was - I have to get home Jake." My voice wobbled a bit but I didn't think he'd still seen my face. Night had fallen fully and there wasn't a lot of light in the woods.

His grip on my hand loosened. A heartbeat passed. And then he had me in his arms. "Hey.." he said in this soft voice which made me want to cry harder. "Bells... what's wrong? Are you crying?"

I felt myself stiffen up. I wasn't sure I could take even his kindness right now.

"I just...I have to go all right? I'll see you tomorrow or something." And I quickly stepped out of his hug and started walking away again.

"Hey..wait! Wait! Bella." I sensed a quiet sort of anger in his voice. And he _never _called me Bella.

"What happened? Was it Quil? Was he bugging you? Did Yas say something mean? Just tell me please. I'll go and tell them off I swear. They rag the new ones sometimes. It's not like the first time those idiots... "

I had to interrupt him. "It was nothing like that Jake. Everyone is great. Your friends are great, all right? Your life is great."

I couldn't help that my tone was bitter. I could see the confused and hurt expression on his face in the semi-darkness. It almost felt good to hurt him. Where does he get off being so damn kind to me? I wondered if I was his charity case. Maybe Charlie had told Billy to ask Jake to hang out with me. Now that I thought about it, it made perfect sense.

"If everyone's so great why are you running away from them? Did I do something wrong?" He was hurt, but I could see he wasn't giving up that easily.

"It's... nothing all right? Why are you even bothered? What the hell do you care whether I sit there or not? You have a million and one friends - just go back to them all."

"Bells..." that soft voice again.

I took a deep breath. "Look Jake. I'm not like them in case you can't see already. I'm not warm and friendly and I don't have awesome stories to tell you or anyone else. OK? I don't even know why you hang out with me." I took a deep breath before I asked him. "Has Billy asked you to?"

"Wha... What are you saying? Why would Billy tell me who to be friends with?"

"Then why the hell do you care about me so much Jake? Seriously. Maybe it's you who's crazy." I almost laughed at that one. But I almost thought I had a point too.

Quiet steps towards me. One. Two. He took my hands in his own. "Bells.. you're right. You're not like them."

Thought as much. _Not good enough never good enough._ And now my heart was breaking in two, when I clearly thought there was nothing more to break in there. I wanted to step away but he gripped my hands tighter.

"You're nothing like them. You're like no one else I know Bells. I've always thought you're special. Even when we were kids."

I didn't believe what he was saying but I forced myself to look in his eyes. I saw deep brown pools full of hurt and.. something else. I didn't know what.

"I think you're amazing Bells. You don't know how cool you are. You are so smart, and you don't even know how funny you are half the time. And any guy in his right mind will tell you that you're so beautiful - though I know you won't believe them. Take it from me though... you're probably like every guy's dream girl at your school."

I started blushing furiously, so I was glad for the dark. He was right... I didn't quite believe him.

_But almost wanted to believed him._

"Don't you see Bells? You should see yourself the way I see you. You're such a caring person. You take care of Renee and Charlie. You've always been good to me even when I was a dorky kid... before I was the incredible hunk you now have before you." His voice shook with quiet laughter.

This much is true, I thought.

"You're my best friend Bells. And that's that."

"I thought Quil and Embry were your best friends. They won't like this betrayal, you know?" I smiled at him.

"Quil and Embry... they're my brothers. I grew up with them. They're a real pain in the ass sometimes." I had to laugh at that. And kind of agree.

"But you... you're my best friend. When you're happy I feel happy. When you're sad I want to make you happy. Isn't that what friends do?"

I finally closed the distance between us to give him a hug.

"Thanks Jake. I'm sorry."

"Don't say sorry. And promise me never to run away again."

"I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

**Bella POV**

"Bells - you ready?" Jake called from the front porch. "Be right down!" I yelled from my window.

I took one last look in the mirror. _Not too bad. _Completely uncharacteristically, I'd felt like dressing nicely today. Compared to my usual attire (T-shirt, jeans, hoodies, sneakers) pretty much anything girly could be considered an improvement. I had gone for a black knee-length skirt and the top Renee had given to me as my going away gift when I moved to Forks. It was a deep chocolate brown. _A bit like Jake's eyes. _

_Yeesh Bella. What a thought_.

Still, it hung nicely on my too-thin frame, scooping at my neck a bit to show off all the nothing that was there. Still, looked nice. I threw on an open fawn coloured jacket that came down to my thighs and picked up my bag.

Much ado about nothing, I thought, as I ran down the stairs. It's just a movie with Jake... and Mike.

Mike had cornered me at lunch on Thursday to ask what I was doing on Saturday. Not having had sufficient warning to come up with a good excuse, I had been bulldozed into going for a movie tonight. _Saturday night means it's a date, _my brain had warned me.

So I had a flash of inspiration and called Jake as well.

The only problem was Mike didn't know Jake was coming yet. So... yeah. Should be fun.

When I came out the front door and locked it, Jake cheerily waved at me from where he was, leaning up against the door of the Rabbit. Then when I turned he kind of froze mid-wave and his expression froze on his face.

"Hey Jake? What's up? Everything all right?" I asked when I'd reached him.

"N...nothing much. Wow Bells." He paused and looked at me strangely. _Shyly?_ "You look really nice in that outfit."

"Oh thanks. It's just something old Renee had given me." But I couldn't control the blush that spread across my cheeks. Jake looked at me from the driver's seat and just shook his head. I thought that his eyes again had that...something else look.

We reached Newton's soon and Mike was waiting at the door. When he saw Jake with me he seemed to turn a little red. "Hey Mike, c'mon in" Jake yelled from the driver's seat. Mike approached us slowly, staring at the two of us seated in the front the whole time.

"Hey Bella. I didn't know we had more people joining us."

"Mike, this is Jake. Jake, Mike."

The silence in the car was deafening. And awkward. If it was possible for two people to instantaneously and completely without reason, take a dislike to each other, then that's what had seemed to have happened with Jake and Mike.

Or at least with Mike. Jake was just sort of ignoring him, looking over Mike's head when we stood in queue for tickets. It might not have been deliberate though, because Mike came up to Jake's shoulders.

We were bickering over which movie to watch when a group of three girls suddenly swooped in on us. I recognised them from school - I think a couple of them were on the cheerleading squad. I didn't know their names and doubted they'd know mine. One of them squealed at Mike, "Mike! What a surprise. Didn't think we'd see you here." I could have sworn I have passed the three of them in the corridor a dozen times with Mike and they have never recognized either of us before. _Weird. _"You know me right? Shaila? We take History together."

Mike turned a furious red. Honestly the guy was hopeless around girls. I guess I had to admit that the three of them were quite... attractive.

"Mike, don't be rude. You should introduce us to your friends", this from the curvy red headed Shaila.

Mike sputtered and said, "Right. Right. Shaila, Mina, Jane, this is Bella and .. Jacob. You probably know Bella from school."

The tallest one called Mina said, "Aren't you the girl who was going out with Cullen? Before he like...left town?"

I felt the hole in my chest starting its old familiar throb. I was trying to figure out what I should say to her just as I saw the blonde one called Jane leaned in and say to Jake, "Jacob - what a great name. You aren't from our school are you? I'd _definitely_ have known if you were."

I was trapped. I didn't know what I could say without bursting into tears. Mike was looking uncomfortably at both conversations as if he had forgotten how to speak.

"What can I say. Some guys are just idiots." I heard Jake's voice speaking directly to Mina, although he was looking right at me. He had completely ignored Jane, as if she hadn't even spoken.

Then he stretched a bit as if he were bored and reached behind Jane to take my hand and said "C'mon Bells. We'll miss the movie if we stand around chatting the whole evening."

Jane, totally shamelessly I thought, stood right up on tiptoes to say to Jake, "Hey. Jacob. If you want to hang out sometime, you know, why don't you give me your number or something and we'll do something fun." She said "fun" and looked at me meaningfully.

Jake started walking, dragging me behind him and tossed back a "Sorry. Don't keep a cellphone" with an insincere apologetic smile. Mike hurried to join us even as the other two girls squealed their goodbyes, Jane keeping her mouth shut this time. When they thought we were out of earshot, I distinctly heard Shaila say "What does he see in _her_?"

I hadn't ever seen Jake be rude to anyone before. Sure I'd seen him fight with Quil and Embry, even sock them a few. But this was almost hostile and I wondered why until he bent down and whispered in my ear, "There sure are some insensitive idiots in your school, huh, Bells?"

_Oh. It had been for me._

The movie wasn't bad. It was supposed to be a sci-fi thriller but had rather a lot of romance thrown in as well. Usually I wouldn't have had the stomach for it but then Jake was next to me cracking jokes at the emotional scenes and somehow...it wasn't too bad.

At some point about thirty minutes into the movie, I felt Mike's hand rub mine. I know accidentally-on-purpose when I see it, so I just moved my hand on the pretext of grabbing some more popcorn from the bag he held, and then moved it away. But ten minutes later, it happened again.

I almost rolled my eyes and just moved my hand away this time. So there was no confusion.

Just then I felt Jake grab my other hand. I was a bit annoyed at that. I know Jake and I were best friends and everything, but here I was, trying to get Mike to not hold my hand and here was Jake, giving him the totally wrong idea. I took my hand out of his grasp again and kept it firmly in my lap. I felt Jake turn his head towards me and look at me steadily. Then he didn't take my hand or say anything for the rest of the movie.

After the movie we parted ways with Mike pretty quickly. He and Jake were yet to have a real two line conversation with each other and I didn't want to be in the middle of this anymore. I guess it had been a stupid idea.

Jake stayed quiet on the ride back as well. Just as we were reaching my house though he said, "It's still early Bells. Do you want to come to La Push for a bit? I thought we could take a walk on the beach."

I'm not sure what it was about his voice but I had to turn to see his face. He was looking away from me, sort of expressionless, a bit serious. I heard myself saying "Sure, let's go." Even though I couldn't help feeling that this could end up being a stupid idea as well.


	5. Chapter 5

**Jake POV**

We walked at the edge of the water. It was low tide. The water was kind of lukewarm from earlier today when the sun had showed up for a cameo role in the sky. It does that sometimes.

I loved the feel of the cool night breeze all around us. There was just one thing that could make this night more perfect. And she was walking right here with me.

There was a dying bonfire up ahead and its glow was on her face. Seeing her smiling and relaxed, I was suddenly unsure. It's probably a bad idea to bring it up. Maybe I should just leave it be.

But I just don't know how long I can go on seeing her like this.

It's _so not_ because of how she looks tonight (_so fucking beautiful_).

I mean that has absolutely nothing to do with this.

OK..

Maybe that has a little bit to do with this.

But seriously, it's been months and I have just seen her be more and more miserable. How can she let idiots like those china dolls make her feel bad about herself? The three of them had so much make up on I almost couldn't even see their real faces. Ugh. It's so hard for me to see someone as amazing as Bella just totally lose it in front of superficial idiots like that.

And it's all _his_ fault. Sometimes I wish I could just see that asshole face to face. Just once. Teach him a lesson about how to treat girls.

Or at the very least, how to treat Bella.

But until I can do that, she really needs to stop going nuts like this. Someone needs to make her snap out of it.

And it looks like that someone's going to be me.

And a date with Mike? Who could barely look above her neckline all night? What was that all about?

And then she refused to let me take her hand.

Yeah. _What was that all about?_

This talk was so happening.

"Bells?"

"Hmm?"

Damn. How can one little sound from her sound so melodic?

The guys are right._ I am such a girl_.

Every little thing she does just goes straight _through_ me. Like, _inside_. And then I start feeling too fucking much. Like she'll open out her hair from her ponytail, or she'll hug her jacket around herself, or she'll bite her lower lip when she's really thinking about something, and then these little things will slowly drive me insane... and then_ I_ want to run my hand through her hair or hug her jacket with her in it or ...bite her lip... and.. see what I'm saying?

But I can't freak her out about all this stuff while she's so messed up about that Cullen asshole. I can wait.

I'll wait forever if that's what it takes.

**Bella POV**

Jake's unbuttoned shirt was flapping into my arm with the breeze. I felt somehow more relaxed than I've felt since forever. I bent down to remove my shoes and picked them up in my left hand. Jake's hand closed around my right hand. Our fingers laced comfortably with each others. We walked slowly, in companionable silence. Sounds from the ocean filled the gap.

I'd noticed a few days ago how warm Jake's body is. I thought initially that maybe he had fever or something. But then we realised that's just ..him. With anyone else I'd have suggested getting tested to figure out if something was wrong. But the idea seemed almost funny with Jake. I mean the guy was the healthiest specimen of humanity I'd ever seen. I sneaked a look now at his washboard abs. Just then he turned towards me and smiled when he saw me looking at him. I quickly turned away. Shortly after that Jake whipped off his shirt completely. I sort of looked at the ocean just then and just as he was looking out with me, chanced another look at him. He was staring straight ahead, grinning at something. His beautiful shoulders were now bare. I turned back again.

He was beautiful.._everywhere_. I mean, I'm not blind right? I still have eyes.

So what if he is two years younger to me - and my best friend. I can still _see,_ that's all I'm saying.

And these days it feels like I _see_ more. Than I used to I mean.

"Bells?"

"Hmm?"

He didn't say anything for a full minute. Then finally, "Why do you let idiots make you feel bad about Cullen?"

"Do you mean those girls?"

I sighed. I knew this would happen one day. Jake would finally lose this legendary patience of his and tell me I'm an idiot. _I wish I could stop being one._

"Well. Yes. Those girls."

"I don't know Jake. They came out of nowhere. I really wasn't expecting an interrogation at the movies."

"But you have to roll with it Bells. You can't just let something that happened so long ago just completely destroy you, you know? You need to put up more of a fight. Think happy thoughts or something."

The hole in my chest which had been quiet, just as it is when I'm with Jake, suddenly started pulsing. I don't think I can explain to him. _So long ago? Feels like yesterday._

Instead I said, "Happy thoughts?"

"Yeah. Like think of something that makes you happy. Or a place you love, where you last felt happiest. And just think of that. Don't let yourself get torn up by chance remarks Bells. You're much stronger than this."

I was quiet for a moment, trying to think of a happy place. It came to me almost immediately.

"I have it. My happy place."

He grinned at me like a kid on Christmas morning. "Yeah? Do I know where it is?"

"Sure. You know it pretty well actually. It's your garage."

"My garage," he said slowly. And then he looked at me with that something else look, and _something else_ as well, mixed in it. He looked confused almost, and his eyes seemed to be searching my face for something, pausing at my lips again and again.

I wondered if I'd said something wrong.

"Sorry... did I just steal your happy place?"

He seemed to take a deep breath. He took a few moments to reply.

"Nah. You in my garage. That sounds just about right Bells."

I grinned at him then. I was already feeling like this would work. Being around Jake...made me stronger, it was true. I felt less hollow. He was like the sun. I felt like if I stood close enough to him, I would almost have enough of his warmth to make me whole again... even when I had none of my own.

Jake wasn't done with me yet though.

"And what about Mike, who you obviously don't have a thing for but you're still dating him?"

I sputtered at that one. "I'm not _dating_ Mike. It was one movie! _And you were there."_

Jake snorted, "I might not have been. What if Billy had needed me around the house or something?"

I sighed. "He ambushed me, OK? He asked me my plans and I couldn't think of anything to say so he made me say yes to the movie."

"That's what I call being a pansy."

"I am not a pansy. I just don't like saying no to people."

"You didn't have any problem saying no to _me_."

"You? When did I say no to you?"

His tone grew serious. "You wouldn't let me hold your hand Bella. Since when is that a problem for you? Or is it only a problem in front of Mike?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "God Jake. You know I don't have a problem holding your hand. It's just that Mike was trying to hold my other hand throughout the movie and I was having a hard time avoiding it. So I didn't want him to get the wrong idea."

Jake's eyes narrowed at me. He stopped walking completely and turned towards me. "And what might that wrong idea be?" His voice was soft.

"It's just that he might... maybe he'd think... we were..."

He waited for me to finish and finally said, "I see. That would be so _wrong_, wouldn't it?"

I looked at my feet. I didn't know what to say to him. I avoided his eyes. I didn't want him to see the mess inside my head and my eyes were dead giveaways. Every time.

In just a moment or two he turned to me, grinned and said, "At least the movie was good. I am so sure Mike's gonna watch it again."

The tension had dissolved. I laughed along with Jake just as we reached the edge of the woods to head home.


	6. Chapter 6

**Bella POV**

...

I drove to La Push quite early on Sunday. Charlie and Billy were due back in the evening. When I got to the Blacks' house I saw the front door was ajar. This was a res thing, people not locking their doors. How safe could a community be? Personally, I had my doubts. But then I think being the Police Chief's daughter might have had something to do with that.

I walked in the door but didn't see Jake anywhere. I thought he might have gone to the garage when I heard a sound coming from the direction of his room. I listened as I walked that way. Then I realised it was a snore. He was still sleeping at 11 am! He looked really beat though so I let him sleep some more.

I looked through the kitchen cupboards and the refrigerator to see what I could make. All I found was toast, eggs and milk, so I settled on French toast. Soon I was taking a cup of coffee and a plate of french toast up to Jake's room, feeling like the world's most awesome best friend.

When I got there, he was muttering in his sleep. I stepped quietly, putting the cup and plate on the table on the side of his tiny bed. He was altogether too big for it. Then I heard him mutter again. I could have sworn he said, "Ohhhh..Bells.." Even though he was sleeping, the way he spoke made me blush. It also made me feel kind of...warm.

I sat down at the edge of his bed and said, "Jake, hey Jake. Wake up." I put one hand on his shoulder and he suddenly sprang up, looking disoriented. He stared at me with a dazed look for a few moments and blinked a lot before saying, "You're really here?"

"Yeah Jake it's noon."

"And you're...you're..." he looked me up and down and then decided to shut up. Suddenly he grabbed a pillow and placed it in his lap.

"I got you breakfast, you bozo. At least say thanks."

"Oh wow.. Thanks Bells. You shouldn't have."

"I can spoil you once in a while you know. Don't count on it happening too often though. Now join me for breakfast?"

He looked flustered and said, "I'll...er... join you in a bit. Maybe you could just wait downstairs for me for a minute?"

I said sure and walked out. I was pretty sure I heard him groan and collapse on the bed as soon as I was out the door.

_So much for spoiling Jake with breakfast._

Once we were done eating we headed out to hang out with Quil and Embry at Quil's place. The usual teasing and ribbing went on. I was glad I was still relatively new to the group so they handled me with care... in a manner of speaking.

Suddenly Quil said, "Jake.. you going to May's this evening?"

Jake said, "What's at May's?"

"Oh man. That poor girl. You don't even remember the date of her birthday party!"

"Is it May's birthday today?" Jake seemed completely in the dark.

"Yeah you moron. I remember I was standing next to you when she invited you _in person._"

"Aww man. I must've forgot. Bells, you want to go to this party?"

"Charlie and Billy would just have gotten home in the evening. I think I'll have to head home with Charlie and get him some dinner. You go ahead without me Jake." I'd been hanging out in the res so much the past couple days I felt a twinge of disappointment at missing out on life there. I was sure this party would be a lot of fun. May was clearly loved by the gang.

"I don't know. Don't think it'll be much fun then." Jake seemed a bit sulky.

"Jake, if you only let her, May will happily make it fun for you... you know that," Embry teased Jake.

That obviously got my interest so I asked, "Does May have a thing for Jake?"

Embry and Quil both laughed. Quil said, "Don't all girls have a thing for Jake?" Jake glowered at him but he ignored it. "May has had a _thing for Jake_ since we were in the sandpits. She used to make a nuisance of herself when we were kids because of this _thing she had for Jake_. Never saw such a persistent girl."

Embry added, "Now though... I think it's high time Jake changed her mind about her, don't you think Bella? I definitely think growing up has agreed with her." He high-fived Quil and added, "So do most of the other guys."

Jake glowered some more and said, "Don't remind me guys. She was such a pest." I could have sworn Jake was blushing.

I couldn't help but say, "Really... May? She seemed so nice and sweet when I met her the other day."

Jake hastened to add, "Nah - it's all good. She was only a pesky kid. She's cool now. I like hanging with her."

Embry immediately said, "I'm going to tell May that. It's going to be the best birthday gift she's going to get tonight."

Jake punched Embry's shoulder at that and Quil burst out laughing.

I laughed along but then I thought back to May's beautiful face. I may not know a lot about guys but one thing I could guess - no teenage boy could resent attentions from a girl who looked like _that. _

And for some reason I suddenly felt this bottomless feeling, as if my insides were giving way.


	7. Chapter 7

**Bella's POV**

Charlie and Billy came home around 6 that evening. They were both beat, and yet full of boastful stories about who hooked what.

Charlie and I headed home soon after they reached. As we were leaving Jake said, "Was so much fun with you, Bells. Come after school as soon as you get a chance OK?" I hadn't been in the greatest mood all day, still wasn't, probably hadn't been the best company, didn't want to care.. I shrugged, _like I was shrugging off his soft smile and soft words, and I am not a charity case, you hear? I know you got bored, you know what I don't care, whatever. _

Jake was going to head to the party in a bit.

When Charlie and I got home I made Charlie some pasta and we sat down to dinner. My thoughts wandered though. I wondered what was going on at the party. Charlie went to bed soon after dinner. And then I was alone.

I knew that night I was defenceless against the pain in my chest.

It used to overtake me as soon as I was alone, but of late I had been feeling lighter. A little bit less like I would get sucked in by the black thing inside my chest.

But today I felt as alone as I ever had.

As always my brain rebelled, thought things I needn't think, but thought them anyway.

_Because I had Jake but Jake had someone else, probably, and so now I didn't have anything, again,_ _and Jake would probably leave soon, heck, he was probably leaving now as I sat here..._

_(The sound of music, dulled, coming through the porch walls. He, sitting on the bottom step, she on the second one from the top, so their faces were almost level. Talking in soft grown-up voices. The darker the night, the more Jake's eyes seem to shine, had she noticed that yet, were they shining on her? His big hand, it clasps mine so well, but maybe it's too loose after all, and after he leaves me, it will fit hers better, probably. And she is breathtaking, isn't she, and she is whole, and if they are sitting close enough, and she pretends to peer down into her watch her lips might brush his hair, or his ear perhaps, and he's a sixteen year old boy, what happens next, how far does it go, how long before the bond between us unwinds completely and snaps, because other-things fill my-spaces too easily and too damn often - - - )_

I took a long hot shower and got into my pajamas. I sat for a long time on my bed, thinking. If I closed my eyes and concentrated hard I could still feel as if Edward was in the room with me. I felt the tears coming and my body giving in to the cold I felt whenever I thought of his touch. I shivered inside my blanket. I could hear Edward's golden voice talking to me as he stroked my hair, my face. His cool lips as he kissed me.

_(What if I could throw it away, become another person, the real me, find her, who is she and where, I didn't see her in the woods because she wasn't left there like I was - - - )_

But I couldn't concentrate. My mind wandered over to how Jake had looked at me on the beach. I sometimes thought he might be thinking about kissing me but he never actually did. The worst part was I didn't know if I wanted him to kiss me, even though I knew I kind of did.

He was my best friend. He was the only reason I was still sane. If he kissed me too, and then I lost him too, the way I've been kissed and been lost before - what would happen to me then?

(_I'm sorry this pains you too I can see, I'm sorry.)_

And now he was at this party with May and probably having a great time. With Jake you could at least be sure he'd be having a great time wherever he was.

I wondered why I felt so alone at that thought. He had had all these friends and a whole life apart from me for all this time. Why was it now that I felt the urge to be part of it...as if something was missing?

_Maybe I was. Missing._

Suddenly my cellphone rang. I quickly hit the silence button in case it woke up Charlie and looked to see who was calling.

It was Jake. _Weird. I'd have thought he'd be playing drinking games with Quil and Embry at the party right now. _

_Or sitting on porch steps, peering at watches in the dark._

"Hello?"

"Bells?"

"Hey Jake. What's up? Aren't you at the party?"

"Nah. I didn't end up going. Didn't feel like it."

"I'm sure it would have been fun though."

"Maybe. If you'd been here I'd have taken you for sure."

"Maybe the next party you guys have, I'll head over."

"Yeah. You could stay the night at one of the girl's places too, stay till the end. Heck, I'm sure Billy wouldn't mind if you stayed over here. I'd happily take the couch."

The thought of spending the night in Jake's house...Jake's room possibly... with Jake close by... _not gone._.. for some reason this was causing little soft explosions inside me. Or a warm melty feeling.

"Maybe. That's a possibility."

"Yeah." he was quiet for a few moments then. "Say Bells?"

"Hmm?"

"I was wondering.." A pause. Deep breath. "Do you still feel bad about... y'know... "

I inhaled with a shudder. What was he getting at?

"Do you mean..." I felt my voice turn to a whisper. "Edward..?" I finished quietly.

"Also known as the Cullen asshole. Yeah him. I just want to know how you're doing with that. Do you still miss him Bells?"

I closed my eyes. Just a minute or two before this phonecall I was picturing Edward in my room, lying next to me like he used to, kissing me tenderly. Filling my head with all his promises which I believed. _Which I so wanted to still believe, even though he had broken them several times over. _They had made me feel so good. He had made me feel so wanted, so loved.

And now he was gone. And I was stuck with all the stupid promises.

"Bells?"

"Yeah Jake..I'm there.. It's...it's just that this stuff doesn't just go away in a day you know? I'm trying to get there. But it's not easy."

"So you miss him still?"

A drowning person. That's how I'd thought about myself since he left.

Sometimes it really felt like I missed him like I'd miss the air if I were drowning.

Did I though? I was no longer sure if I missed him, or the illusion of him. Edward himself, or the way he made me feel. Did I miss the person...or the way my life was _before_ he pulled the ground from under my feet, left me with nothing?

The complicated fact was I missed all of that. But I also missed him. The two weren't separate. Edward hadn't really been a person - for me, he had been an experience. An irrational feeling from the moment I saw him, grounded in no earthly reason, because he wasn't quite earthly, not quite a real person, part magic, part imagined, and now he was gone.

"I guess I do Jake. I just... I really... It's easier to forget all of it when I am around you or we're both hanging out with your friends. But when I'm alone I keep feeling like someone's tripped me... and I can't get up.."

Jake was quiet after that for a while. Eventually he said he better get going, both of us had school the next day. Just before hanging up he said, "Hey Bells?"

"Yeah Jake?"

"Do you still... love him?"

Did I? Could I love someone who'd done that to me?

_(Like I was worth nothing, I was someone people just threw away when they had had enough, even if of all of the ways they could have had me they, they didn't even have me at all, but they had enough anyway, and then they left me in the woods - - -)_

_And I loved them anyway._

"I.. just don't know Jake."

"Well good night Bells. Sleep tight."

"Bye."

I fell into a fitful slumber, interrupted by dreams of May and Edward dancing under the moonlight.


	8. Chapter 8

**Jake's POV**

After Bella left tonight I didn't feel like doing anything. Quil came by to drag me to May's house. I went with him but then I turned away from the gate when I heard the voices inside. I just didn't feel like being with anyone right then. Anyone who wasn't Bella anyway.

I heard Quil mutter something about wingmen getting PMS. But at least he let me go.

I walked home slowly. I was trying to figure out where I stood with Bella after this weekend. The fact is I was totally confused.

I mean I knew she wasn't even over that guy. But I was becoming more and more certain that she was happy to be around me. I mean, I'm not an idiot right? I've seen my fair share of girls trying to flirt and giggle and put on an act. There was none of that in Bella. She was genuinely happy to be around me. Every time she smiled like that at me I felt like I needed to protect her from the world or something.

_Sure sure. Protect her from the world. How bad is it that even I can tell I sound like an idiot?_

But the way we were with each other... I wasn't surprised that more than just a couple people had thought we were together or something. I mean we held hands _all _the time. She leaned on me for warmth and comfort whenever she felt like it. We touched each other practically all the time we are together. Even if it wasn't exactly the way I want.

Something told me I'd dodged the whole brotherly-love bullet. I mean the way she was looking at me at the beach last night - there was nothing sisterly about_ that look_. I found it so funny the way she was trying not to check me out. I took off my shirt just then and tucked it into my shorts, just for that. I loved how her face went a bit more pink.

But then she was so quiet and withdrawn all over again all day. I jogged my mind to think back to when her mood had changed. Wasn't it when Quil had opened his big mouth about May? God, that was such an embarrassing part of my life. Quil actually thought I should be _flattered _about the whole thing. One day I will figure out how to explain to him that having a girl tail your every move from the time you were 8 to the time you were 15, was _not cool_. He should just trust me on that one.

Thankfully May was less annoying now. It had to be a matter of time before some other guy paid enough attention to her for her to set me free. _Why'd it take so goddam long?_

Hang on... a brainwave just struck me. if Bella was morose all day after hearing about May... could it be that she was _jealous_?

_Bella... jealous... for me? _Just thinking that made my heart soar.

I guess there was just one way to find out. Time to take the bull by its horns.

"Hello?" Her voice sounded like she was trying to keep it down. I checked out the clock on the sitting room wall. Crap! When did it get so late? I guess I must've lost track of time rehearsing my lines for this phone call.

"Bells?"

"Hey Jake. What's up? Aren't you at the party?" I smiled a bit at that. I guess what I was doing was at the back of her mind. Just like she was at the back of mine.

"Nah. I didn't end up going. Didn't feel like it."

"I'm sure it would have been fun though." I heard this longing tone in her voice. And suddenly I realised - _Bella is lonely. _I swore to myself that I would take her out to do fun stuff as much as I could.

"Maybe. If you'd been here I'd have taken you for sure."

"Maybe the next party you guys have, I'll head over."

"Yeah. You could stay the night at one of the girl's places too, stay till the end. Heck, I'm sure Billy wouldn't mind if you stayed over here. I'd happily take the couch."

Words were just coming out of my mouth with zero control whatsoever. Did I really just invite her for a sleepover? I shook my head, trying to command my brain to keep fantasy and reality separate. I couldn't count on its cooperation.

To my amazement she just said, "Maybe. That's a possibility."

"Yeah." A few fireworks went off in my head at the thought. Then my heart did a couple cartwheels on top of that. I guess it sort of gave me the courage - or the foolhardiness - to ask the next question.

"Say Bells?"

"Hmm?"

"I was wondering..do you still feel bad about... y'know... "

I heard her draw out her breath with a shudder.

"Do you mean...Edward..?" She was practically whispering. Six months and she can't even say his name out loud. God. That Cullen asshole really did a number on her!

"Also known as the Cullen asshole. Yeah him. I just want to know how you're doing with that. Do you still miss him Bells?" I was trying to keep my tone neutral but I couldn't help my voice quavering a bit. I was so longing to hear her tell me she was getting over him. That time was healing old wounds and all that. I know I said I could wait forever and I will. _But I really wanted to know how she felt._

Five seconds. Ten. No response at all.

"Bells?"

"Yeah Jake.. I'm there.. It's...it's just that this stuff doesn't just go away in a day you know? I'm trying to get there. But it's not easy."

"So you miss him still?" Now I _knew_ I sounded desperate. And I didn't care. I wanted her to give it to me straight.

"I guess I do Jake. I just... I really... It's easier to forget all of it when I am around you or we're both hanging out with your friends. But when I'm alone I keep feeling like someone's tripped me... and I can't get up.."

I didn't have any strength left to ask the one question I wanted to. She still missed him. She sounded like she was hurting over him like it happened yesterday. Like all our time together had fixed nothing.

I was suddenly tired and I wanted this conversation to end - but genuine masochist that I am, just before I hung up, I heard that question slip out anyway. _My mouth is a traitor._

"Do you still... love him?"

She thought about it. I could literally hear the little wheels in her brain turning. And in the end all she came up with was, "I.. just don't know Jake."

Right. That was that.


	9. Chapter 9

**Bella POV**

School was intense that week with tons of homework I had to get out of my way. I knew how much my grades had slipped already since last fall. College applications loomed on the horizon and I had nowhere I felt like going. With all of this, it was Thursday before I could think of going to La Push again.

It'd been three days since I had seen Jake and I'd missed him a lot. At the back of mind I was sort of surprised that he hadn't called me as yet. Truth be told, it was a strange change from his perpetual...availability. I had never had to spend days wondering what Jake was up to before this. He called. He came over. Or he called me over. He never, ever played games.

So I wasn't really surprised when Billy told me Jake was ill. I was angry at myself then. _I_ should have called. _I_ should have gone over. He'd been ill for three days and I hadn't even bothered to find out. _Jake would never neglect me like this._

I really shouldn't have been taking him so much for granted.

I hopped into my truck right then, and quickly drove over to Jake's house. Without Jake standing on the porch waiting for me, it was almost like someone else's house. I went and tried the door. It was locked. I'd never seen the door locked before.

Just then Billy's wheelchair appeared from around the corner of the house. But when he saw me, he didn't give me his usual welcoming smile. He had a stony expression on his face.

"Hi Billy." I didn't know why, but his expression was freaking me out a little. I wished Jake was here.

"Bella, I told you on the phone that Jacob is not well. He can't meet you now."

"Oh. Does he have something infectious?"

"He has... mono. He probably can't meet you for several days. Go home Bella. Wait for Jacob to call you."

This was so strange. Billy was literally chasing me off his property. And the way he'd said mono made me think almost like he was making it up as he went. But that didn't make sense. Why wouldn't Billy want me to meet Jake?

_Unless... Jake had told him he didn't want to meet me? _

The thought made me sick.

"Hey Billy", I tried my luck again. "Is Jake angry at me for something?"

"No Bella. He is not well. Please go home now."

Billy turned his wheelchair back around to go round the house. I left feeling dejected.

Over the next few days I had pretty much the same exact conversation with Billy on phone and in La Push, over and over again. It had been ten days since I'd heard from Jake. I couldn't believe he was still unwell. That afternoon as I was driving back from Billy's house I saw Quil walking down the road. He looked even more frustrated than me. I slowed to a stop on the side of the road. He looked up and saw me.

"Hey Quil"

"Hey." He didn't look happy to see me for once. It was almost like he was angry at me. Then he just looked back down at his feet again.

"Hey, I was just wondering. Have you heard from Jake lately?"

He shot me a sharp look and his entire demeanour changed and became animated. "_You_ haven't heard from him either? It's not just me they are avoiding?"

"Who is they? Why are they avoiding you? Us, I mean?"

"Jacob and Embry. Our buddies have crossed over to the dark side Bella_."_ He smiled humourlessly at his joke._ "_They are with Sam Uley and his gang now. Billy keeps telling me Jacob is unwell but I see both of them at the beach with those guys sometimes. I can guarantee you they are not in quarantine. I just wish I knew why they'd do something like this to me."

Quil almost sounded like he would cry. I could imagine his mental state. It was very like my own.

Then he seemed to call himself to order. Very deliberately he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Y'know. Those guys are being jerks anyway. Not like I care. And you shouldn't either."

And with that he walked off again, leaving me more confused than ever.

I wasn't going to give up so easily. I continued to call Jake every chance I got. Billy became more and more short with me, and then he just stopped picking up his phone. Charlie saw me moping about the house but couldn't get anything out of Billy either.

All the time I grew more and more panicky. _Was it something I said?_

What could I have done to change Jake from that boy in the garage into a total stranger?

In the darkest nights I tried to ignore the voices in my head that said it must've been my fault. Again. Losing Edward. Losing Jake. _Was there anyone who stayed?_

As the days went by, the hole in my chest opened up again, wider than ever. Without Jake's warmth it felt like it gaped over my entire being. I missed Jake like a physical ache. It was a revelation to me, how much I needed him just to get by. I missed his sunny smiles, carefree laughter, his warm hand holding mine. I missed his engulfing hugs that took away my pain. I missed that something else expression in his deep brown eyes. I wanted to turn back time, go back and undo whatever I did to hurt him. I wanted to do something - anything - so that he'd at least _talk_ to me. At least talk to me dammit. So I could explain that I didn't mean whatever it was that hurt him.

Because I now knew I would never hurt Jake. Ever.

_(But me? Come over folks, line up on the left please to hurt me. Don't bother looking at me like that anymore people. Like you're thinking, maybe you shouldn't do this, like maybe I am worth something. Jake looked at me like that and now see where that's got us.)_

I replayed our last phone conversation over and over in my head. I knew Jake had been looking for answers that day. I'd told him the truth, ignoring how it would make him feel. Kept myself insulated from his feelings a while longer. I guess I was selfish. I wanted all of Jake but I wasn't willing to give him all of me. I kept him close even if it hurt him.

But I hadn't thought that Jake would just give up on me like this. As if we weren't even best friends.

I guess he had wanted a sign. And I hadn't had a choice. Because I just wasn't ready. I was many things_ - plastic mask, worthless, best-friend sweet Bella wandering in the woods - _and now it was too late.. and he was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

_Sorry all. Totally boring and totally necessary bits of the story that must be recounted - coming up._

**Bella POV**

I couldn't believe Billy practically hung up on me again.

OK.

So maybe two weeks ago I said something terribly wrong to Jake (_what?_) that made him never want to talk to me again. I didn't believe it, but I could work with it.

But I knew I didn't do anything to deserve being treated like _this. _Now, I was just plain angry.

How could Billy do this to me? How could _Jake_ do this?

Right. Well, I was not going to take anymore of this nonsense even for a day.

Fifteen minutes later I parked my truck outside Jake's house. The door was locked as usual. No one answered my knocks as usual. But this time I didn't just go away. I went around to the backyard and tried to see if I could find an open window to get in from.

Just then I heard voices coming from the woods. And then I saw them coming towards the house - Sam, Embry, Jake and two other boys. They all looked really intimidating with their rippling muscles. None of them was wearing a shirt and they all had the same native tattoo on their left bicep.

I thought they wouldn't be able to see me, since I was partially concealed by the wood paneling on Jake's porch. But somehow, within an instant, they all realised I was there. They all simultaneously turned their heads towards me. I thought I heard Jake say my name.

No sooner had this happened that Sam started barking orders. "Paul, Embry, take Jake away from here. Jared and I will deal with the girl. Jared, come with me. _NO_ Jake. Turn away and walk. Remember what I showed you about Emily."

None of this made any sense to me. I could see from where I stood that Jake looked completely defeated. That guy called Paul tugged at his arm till Jake turned around and started walking away. Sam and the other tall guy called Jared started moving towards the porch where I was.

And then I was mad again. Now that they knew I was here and were headed over to _deal with me_ anyway, I no longer felt intimidated. I didn't care if they hurt me. I was seething at the way Sam had ordered Jake away from me. I guess at some level I realised these guys were very, very dangerous. It was probably drugs or some sort of a crime ring. But they had _my Jake_. And I wasn't going to stand for this at any cost.

I started running over to Jake. I could see the utter shock on Sam's face when he saw me running that way instead. But I stayed as far from Jared and him as I could and went straight towards Jake. He was still walking slowly away. It was almost as if something was pulling him, and he was trying his best to resist it.

Sam and Jared started yelling and ran towards me. I saw Jake, Paul and Embry turn around to see what was happening. I started yelling "Jake! Jake wait up. Don't go!"

Paul pushed Jake harder in the direction of the woods. I'd almost caught up with them now but I knew Sam and Jared had almost reached me too. I launched myself at the nearest body I could reach. It was Paul. I pushed against him hard, almost falling over. It was like bumping against a solid wall. I was yelling the whole time for him to get away from Jake, to just leave him alone. Once I found my balance I went and shoved Paul again, and it _really_ hurt, the guy was like alabaster, but I had to get him away from Jake. I clawed at him in my anger.

Suddenly I became aware of more, louder, and urgent voices close to me. Jared was yelling at someone. Embry was pulling me away. Sam was screaming, "Paul! Just calm down. Just relax." I didn't know what was happening.

When I looked up I saw Paul shaking and it was as if his body was blurring away at the edges. Embry suddenly pushed me down to the ground just as I saw Paul... explode... into a giant grey... wolf?

I couldn't believe my eyes.

The wolf was angry. It started running towards me even as Jared, Sam and Embry moved in front of me in a protective line. The wolf was pushing past them to get at me.

And just at that moment a russet coloured wolf came from nowhere and crashed into the grey wolf. They both toppled over and rolled away into the woods, fighting.

A warm arm pulled me up. I realised I had no strength left in my legs to stand. Whatever it was that had caused me to charge at these humongous guys...adrenaline...madness...was gone now. And I was _freaked out._ I looked around to try to catch Jake's eye but he had disappeared as well. I was glad because that meant he was safe.

I could hear the crashes and thuds from the woods even now, and it sounded like the wolves were going to kill each other.

Then I heard Embry say, "My money's on Jake. Paul's gonna be very grateful for quick wolf healing today."

"Nah - I bet Paul. He's totally vicious."

"No way. Jake's a natural. Did you see him phase mid-air? And he has been pent up and simmering for days. Paul is going down."

It was then that I realised that the russet coloured wolf was... Jake. My Jake._ A wolf?_

I felt like my brain was exploding when Embry suddenly nudged me and said, "C'mon. Let's go to Emily's for some muffins. Those guys will come sooner or later." Jared added in a relieved tone, "At least the wolf's out of the bag." "Yeah man. Now hopefully we can tune out of Jake's 24x7 Bella channel."

I still felt like I was dreaming when we reached a charming little house at the edge of the woods. I followed the guys in and saw a beautiful woman inside the kitchen, serving fresh baked muffins onto a tray. When she turned towards me fully I saw that half of her face was horribly disfigured by some sort of claw marks.

I tried not to stare even as she welcomed me warmly and said, "You must be the vampire girl. I've heard so much about you."

_Vampire girl. _This day just got stranger and stranger. I settled down into a chair in Emily's kitchen. It was a bright and comforting place, but I was going out of my mind with worry about Jake. Just then, I heard two voices at the door. It was Jake and Paul...both of them _grinning. _Like they hadn't just been fighting to death five seconds ago.

And then Jake nodded his head as if to ask me to join him outside.


	11. Chapter 11

**Jake's POV**

I'd really thought things couldn't get any more weird for me. The day I phased had felt like the last day of my life. It was definitely the last day of the world as I knew it.

Since then I'd found out that there was so much more to _everything_.

From legends and myths to deaths and disappearances, to secrets of our forests, _to undead jerks who dated my girl and broke her heart. _There was more to absolutely everything.

And I hadn't even been able to share anything with Bella. Sam ordered me not to tell her anything. And he scared me that I'd hurt her if I went near her.

I knew I could never, ever hurt Bella - but I'd rather kill myself than take that chance.

So I stayed away, each day growing more desperate to be close to her, and each day knowing that with every passing moment she would be losing her faith in me. It absolutely_ sucked _to hurt her. It sucked more than anything ever had.

But now I was finally free. She knew and it was for no fault of my own so Sam couldn't even skewer me.

So I took her to First Beach and spilled the beans - I told her _all_. About werewolves and vampires, and our treaty with the Cullens, about phasing and wolf telepathy, about constantly being short of clothes, about werewolf speed and leech hunts, about bloodlines and imprinting. She listened like I was the most fascinating story she ever heard. Hell. In that moment I was.

...Until I remembered I wasn't the only supernatural being to ever try to impress her.

Fuck. _I even had competition when it came to my freakiness._

So I made it real easy for her. I told her the final score. Werewolves - hot. Leeches - stone cold. Werewolves - protectors. Leeches - bloodsuckers. Werewolves - prone to angry outbursts and some general furriness. Vampires - prone to biting and killing people.

That's right. Things were stacking up pretty damn well. Or so I thought.

But then she suddenly started shaking. She put her arms around herself like she does when she is really terrified or sad. I asked her what was wrong. She said - and I quote - "it's not what you are Jake. It's what you do." Christ. She_ actually_ thought that we were the ones killing all those hikers in the forest.

So then I sat her down and gave it to her straight. That it wasn't us. That it was some lady leech with bright red hair who was circling Forks for who knew what purpose. That she was killing recreationally. She called herself Victoria and kept yelling at the wolves to let her avenge her mate - even as she ran for her life every time.

And then Bella froze up and said that if she was trying to avenge her mate, she was probably after Bella.

So that was when I knew I'd been wrong. Things could indeed get more weird. Even for me.


	12. Chapter 12

**Bella's POV**

Jake came all the way home with me that night in the truck because he knew I was still a bit freaked out. I'd been quietly proud when all the wolves had thought I was "good with weird". To be honest, mostly I was just dazed. Jake could read me like a map and he knew that I was_ that _close to becoming totally unhinged, so he rode back with me.

When we got to my house he came inside although he hesitated a bit at the doorstep. I guess he must have been wishing he'd remembered to put on a shirt or something because he had this sheepish look on his face. Finally he stepped into the living room where Charlie was watching TV.

He really needn't have worried because Charlie welcomed him like a long lost son or something. Sometimes I think Charlie loves Jake more than he loves me.

I can't even say I blame him.

I motioned for Jake to follow me to my room. I was happy that he was visiting because I knew the moment he left and I was alone again, the hole would open up again and suck me in. I was sure it would get a bit better now that I knew Jake hadn't abandoned me. But I still felt pain that was almost physical and the nightmares left me gasping, choking and screaming.

Something must've shown on my face as I thought this because he looked at me closely and then came and sat down next to me on my bed. Then he took my hand - making me realise with a jolt just how much I had missed holding his hand - and said in a tender voice, "Are you scared of me now?"

"Of course I'm not. Why would I be scared of you?"

"You shouldn't be. Bells..." his voice sounded urgent, desperate even, "I'm still the same old Jake."

"I know, you idiot. That same old Jake who owes me one breakfast in bed."

"Sure, sure. Anytime you want." He grinned. Then his voice got serious again. "If it's not me then why do you look so... haunted? I promise you - Victoria is not going to come anywhere near you. We're going to have someone patrolling near you and Charlie at all times. Trust me on this Bells."

"I trust you. And I'm not worried so don't you worry about me."

"I don't believe you. Something's eating you up, I can tell. Tell me Bella." The use of my name made me realise, as always, that he meant business and would not let it go until I told him. But I didn't know what to say. I stared into his eyes, trying to find the words to tell him.

He looked at me a few long moments and finally said in the softest voice, "Still?"

I knew he was talking about my pain over Edward. The truth is I should have been happy today because I had Jake back. And I was. I really was. I was happy as long as he was with me. But recently I had come to realise that even Jake could leave. And even if he wanted to stay, eventually he'd have to leave. And then it was me and the nightmares.

I tried to explain to Jake in the mildest terms so he wouldn't worry. The boy had enough on his mind what with being a werewolf and protecting me from a vampire.

"It's nothing. I just - it's a bit tougher when you're not there. It's been a bit... tough these past few days. The nightmares got a bit... much... again. But I'm sure it's going to get better now that you're back. In fact, I'm feeling good already." I tried to give him a bright smile but I think that kind of failed.

And then he hugged me like he was going to break me. He kept saying "I'm so sorry Bells. I'm never leaving you again. I swear. I'll kill Sam if he orders me to stay away from you again. I'm so, so sorry. Please don't be scared. I'm going to take care of you now. I'm here now. Hush..." I hadn't realised when I had started crying. I guess the frustration and anger and fear of the last few days were finally taking their toll on me and all of a sudden I was having an old fashioned nervous breakdown right here in my room while Jake held me close and caressed my back and murmured in my ear that he was never going to leave again. He kissed my forehead again and again and ran his hands gently through my hair and somehow, somehow I started breathing steadily again and felt myself calming down.

"Don't you dare ever do that to me again. You hear?"

He had the grace to look contrite yet again. Even though I knew it hadn't been his fault at all - he'd only been trying to protect me. He pulled held me close again and said softly "Never again. I can't live without you Bells. You know that."

I felt like crying again when I heard that but not with fear and sadness but something else... something I was feeling too much of and couldn't control.. something I couldn't even understand.

I looked in his eyes and saw that they were dark brown pools of sorrow mixed with solemn promise mixed with _that_ something else... that elusive look. Involuntarily my eyes moved over his face and I registered the change I had only noticed peripherally earlier. In just two weeks he looked more...mature. His sharp cheekbones were even more prominent under his golden skin. His eyes seemed darker than ever, full of understanding of ancient things I couldn't begin to know. I looked at the beautiful curve of his jaw giving way to his lips which looked tender and soft even in the low light of my room. The fact that he had gained another few inches in height and a few more pounds of muscles in just two weeks wasn't lost on me. His incredibly beautiful body was even more so now, sculpted to perfection by forces that were beyond the ordinary... my beautiful Jake. I felt like I would never be able to stop staring at him.

This string of thoughts was running riot in my brain when he asked me a question that had obviously been bothering him since I mentioned it. _Seriously, this boy never lets anything go._

Pulling back from him he pulled his stern face again. "What is this about you having nightmares? This is the first I am hearing of this."

I realised I'd never mentioned them to him. When I was with Jake they were such a distant memory, it never occurred to me to tell him about them. I told him now since he asked but I found it difficult to articulate. "I've been having them since last September. Since... since then. I dream I am in the woods. I dream I am alone and lost sometimes. It's dark and sometimes I called to him...I used to call to him.. Now it's mostly silence and the woods and it's really scary. When I have those dreams I really feel like I will never make it out of there." It wasn't easy but I told him. And now I sounded like _such_ a loser. "I think I'm going to get better now though," I added lamely.

"Damn right you are. I'm going to personally ensure you are."

"And how are you planning to do that?" I asked with a smile. He was just so cute sometimes.

"Didn't you say you are better when I'm there?"

"Well yes...but.."

"Then no buts. I'm going to be there."

"How on earth are you planning to manage that?"

"Bells..", he was grinning. "Your lack of faith in werewolves is a little insulting."

"What? I still don't get it."

"Go to bed. Leave your window open. Leave the rest to me."

"But Jake - I'm on the second floor."

He laughed at that. Suddenly he threw open my window and before I could stop him, he jumped out. I gasped and ran to the window to see where he fell but he was standing on his own two feet grinning at me. Then he told me to get back, so I warily did. Within a few moments he had hauled himself in through the window again. And then he was heading to the door. "Gotta go Bells. Gotta let Charlie see me leave or else he's going to come to La Push with his gun tomorrow."

I couldn't help the silly grin on my face. He stopped at my door to give me a tight hug and kissed the top of my head. "Bells...honey, until the day you tell me to leave - you're not going to be alone again."

Then he smiled at me and left.

I did as he said. I got ready for bed, threw down the light switch and opened my window wide. Then I went to bed. I felt calm and happy, like pieces of me were falling into place. I felt a warmth within me that felt like it was left over from Jake's hugs. I drifted off into dreamless sleep and only my subconscious registered when feet padded soundlessly on the floor of my room, and when my best friend wrapped me in his arms and lulled me to the deepest sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Bella POV**

Over the next few nights, I realised that I had forgotten how to dream.

Now, the dreams slowly came back.

Real dreams. In all their technicolor glory. Made of the same too-vivid too-real chaotic confusion as before.

_A younger Renee cooking dinner as Charlie sneaked up to kiss her..._

_Jessica Stanley asking me to the prom... (I needed to take that one to a therapist)_

_Going to school only to realise there was a final exam I hadn't know about..._

_A bonfire on First Beach during which Embry took off with my truck..._

_...And sometimes - often - the feel of large soft warm hands holding mine..._

But never any vampires, never. No vampires at all.

I had finally gotten out of the woods.

And Jake turned up, night after night. He rarely came up before I was dozing. It was strange, but not even once did I see him waiting in my room when I came out of the shower in my PJs, combed my hair, or read a book in bed. I found myself waiting up just a bit longer each night, hoping to see him, to talk to him before sleep claimed me. I began to suspect that maybe he waited for me to fall asleep before he came in. If so, he was really good at knowing when I was asleep.

I finally decided that maybe he didn't want me to feel awkward about going to sleep with him in my room.

But whenever I would wake up in the middle of the night, I'd always, always find him. And then I'd be grateful all over again that he existed. Then I'd go back to sleep, trying to recapture my lost dreams.

Sometimes, I thought about the other boy who used to visit me in the night through this same window. I found that I still ached with those memories. But with Jake's warmth so close to me, the pain only went so deep and no further.

Jake's warmth posed other problems though. In this no man's land season, at the far edge of winter, inching towards summer, nights were changeable. They'd start out cool, and Jake would wrap himself around me at some point, but by early morning I'd have to throw off my blanket because it got too warm. I took to wearing my short shorts and paper thin camisoles to manage Jacob's warmth. It's not like he ever even saw what I was wearing. I'd already be asleep in bed before he came.

And still I never saw him.

In the days though, I continued to meet him often. I visited him in his garage after school. He threatened to take back my truck if I didn't let him give it a full tune-up. He serviced the Rabbit's engine fully too. He seemed to be working on a few other projects as well. Come to think of it, he was keeping very, very busy.

I had a feeling Jake was a bit different these days. I couldn't put my finger on just what it was. He was just less... sunny. Less... himself. He was sort of like a curtailed version of himself. When I tried talking to him about his moods though, he grinned the same old grin at me and I forgot what it was that I'd been thinking. He looked visibly tired though, with circles under his eyes, and I told him he should try not to tire himself out with his extra patrols and what not. He just laughed at me.

And still he tinkered and built, and rebuilt and tinkered some more. I just got my homework done and then came home most of the time, feeling like I should maybe get inspired, pick up a real skill. These thoughts passed quickly though.

Charlie still pestered me about deciding on College or at least putting in a few applications. I had pretty much made up my mind about going to local community college. With my fallen grades I didn't think anything else was worth the effort. And I had no desire to leave Forks at all.

Jake took me a beach party in La Push once, and once to a party at Quil's place. I had fun but I was haunted by the feeling that Jake was only looking like he was having fun. That in reality he'd rather be somewhere else. Again, I couldn't actually articulate what it was that was off, and even when I tried it made no sense at all. So I left it be for the time being.

And then one day, it happened.

It'd been a day like any other day, and then it was a night like any other night. I must have fallen asleep fairly early, at 11 or so. I guess I wasn't sleeping too deeply, because in the middle of the night, a small movement woke me up. I squeezed my right eye open to peer at my bedside clock. 3am. I felt another small movement. I was suddenly wide awake and raised my head and looked towards Jake.

He was awake. He was still lying next to me but he had raised himself up on one arm, an in-between place between lying down and getting up. It was then that I realised the movement had come from him. He was _shaking_. Uncontrollably. I started to say something, remembered I had to keep my voice down. I scooted closer to him and tried to look into his eyes in the meagre light coming from the street lamp near my window.

And then I gasped and reeled back with the force of what was in his eyes.

In the soft light of the street lamp, his eyes were ablaze. The dark brown pools were now black whirlpools of a violent emotion. And although I had never seen this before, something basic within me recognised this emotion for what it was - an all consuming, naked need. _His need for me_. I knew this because my body told me, and something coiling and uncoiling deep within me told me. I didn't need him to verbalise any of what he was feeling - my soul already knew. The growing warmth between my legs already knew. Looking at him and his trembling lips, I felt the primordial ache that goes back beyond all of time.

I didn't know what to say - there were no words for this. Trembling slightly, and completely quiet, Jake and his eyes were full only of this deep longing. I couldn't recognise my friend in there. I knew there would be no redeeming smile. No sudden laughter. This was too far, too much, and we were too alone, too close, and now he was defenceless against this thing that I suddenly realised he had been fighting for so many days and so many nights.

At that instant he sprang away from me. He got up off the bed, and went to the window. I hadn't moved an inch from my place. He turned his face to the window and said in a tone so low that I could barely hear it. "I promised you and I meant it, but it's too hard, it's so hard, being so close to you." And then he turned to me again and I saw the anguish and sorrow and defeat written there. I got up then and started moving towards him and he backed away from me like a scared animal. "Don't...don't come near me. Don't. Go back to sleep Bells. Go back. I need to go. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

And the next moment, he was gone.


	14. Chapter 14

**Bella POV**

I couldn't go back to sleep that night. All of next day I felt drugged. All I knew was I had to talk to Jake. What I would say to him, I didn't know. But I knew I had to see him.

From school I sleepwalked to my truck and drove directly to La Push. A part of me was terrified. I had known that Jake had wanted things from me that I hadn't been ready to give. I was attracted to him, sure. What normal girl wouldn't be? And he was wonderful. He knew me inside out, knew things about me that even I didn't.

I just wasn't ready to be _in love _again.

And now I had pushed him too far, asked for too much, and we were at crossroads all over again. If he told me he couldn't wait any longer - I'd have to go away and let him forget. Somehow find it in myself to heal, to not need him. _But that was impossible._

There was a part of me - the fair minded Bella - who couldn't forget the tortured look in his eyes last night. That part of me almost wished he would send me away and be free of me and the ghosts I carried.

I tried to ask myself why I couldn't just give him the answer he needed. But the answer to that question terrified me even more. In that answer was a hole in a chest and a girl in the woods and cold, cold kisses, memories that were still achingly alive.

This much at least was clear - I was damaged goods.

I found him in the garage. He stiffened when I approached him, even though he had his back to me.

Then he turned around and smiled at me like nothing was wrong.

Then, looking at me, the smile fell off his face.

He looked at me for a few long moments before he said, "You don't have to look like that Bells. I already know. I am fully aware of how you feel. I know you still love him." He winced at his own words. "I know you. I know you're still suffering. I also know you know that with me there would be no suffering, no pain. You know I'd take care of you. With me, you'll never have to worry about anything ever again. I know you know all this."

He took a deep breath. "And even though you know this, and even though he's gone, I know it's him you want. It's written all over your face Bella. It's always there in the background to remind me just in case I get too hopeful. Too happy."

He stepped towards me now and took my hands.

"So you don't have to say anything. I already know. And don't you worry about me. I am going to solve this problem all on my own. You don't have to change a thing. But remember," he tipped up my chin so I'd look in his eyes. "The day you decide to want me and only me, the day you know that you don't have to live forever to experience the greatest love, the day I look into your eyes and see only myself and no other shadows, I will be there, waiting. Until your heart stops beating."


	15. Chapter 15

_Hi all. Sorry if the language was confusing - just to clarify early on, Jake __**didn't **__imprint on Bella. (Personally I don't like imprinting. Don't think Jake needs any supernatural forces - his capacity for love is already supersized.) He is capable of mad, mad love all by himself. Neither should he need the help of supernatural forces for a girl to love him. If a girl doesn't love him in the ordinary course of events she is just plain stupid. Like Bella is. Gah hate Bella. Hate Hate. Silly, silly girl._

_So now you guys can probably guess the things I have in store for her. *evil chuckle*_

_OK, OK. Rant over back to work._

**Bella POV**

Things changed like things do, without my having any control on them whatsoever. Jake started staying outside my house in wolf form for most parts of the night. He only ever came in if I had a distressing nightmare but those were fewer and far between. I guess my subconscious mind had a lot else to think about.

Jake tried to tell me often that nothing had changed between us. We didn't actually talk about it again but he showed me in million little ways. He went back to teasing me with Quil and Embry. He made fun of every motor skill of mine that he could fault. He ordered me about when I visited his garage, making me fetch this or that wrench.

He was even generous enough to be genuinely kind to me.

I came to realise that what he had said was exactly what he'd do. He'd deal with his demons by himself and let me enjoy my place in the sun. I didn't know how I felt about this but I knew it was his choice to make. I was a pathetic person I guess - but I just wasn't strong enough to walk away.

In any case, he made it look very easy. By most external appearances, one would think he'd already moved on. If I didn't know Jake better I'd say the same. For that matter, sometimes even I really wasn't sure.

Small things did change though. He didn't hug me at all anymore. He held my hand only under extenuating circumstances, like when he had to break one of my fatal falls. To the extent he could, he avoided too much alone time with me, always dragging us out to meet his friends or spending time in the house with Charlie and Billy. I missed the way things had been and I really, really missed his warm hands and warm hugs, but this too was his choice to make.

One day we were sitting around a bonfire on the beach. Jared had just told us in graphic detail about his latest encounter with Victoria. She had come really close to Forks this time and their encounter had been brutal, but just as he was getting the upper hand (or so he thought) she had fled and escaped.

I closed my eyes while the chatter continued around me, overwhelmed yet again at these teenagers risking their lives again and again to protect me. I wasn't in their tribe. They didn't have a moral obligation to do anything for me. And yet the thought of letting me go unprotected was not something they would even tolerate. I owed them all my life, many times over.

After the story was finished, some of them got up and walked away. Jake had been staring at the bonfire silently and I had been chatting with Quil and Embry when Maya and Yas strolled by. They seemed to be on their way to a group of girls sitting near the beach rocks. The moment Quil saw May, he elbowed Embry and cooed, "Oh Jaaakey, look who's here."

Ugh, Quil was so annoying sometimes. I almost protested on Jake's behalf when Jake muttered, "Cut it out Quil."

And then Embry piped up, "It's taken her almost a decade to get you to go out with her, and you expect us to let it go that easily?"

This was news to me and clearly Jake knew this. He looked at me carefully as if studying my reaction.

I gave him a small smile to tell him it was all right. He didn't smile back at me.

But he turned to the other two and said through gritted teeth, "For the last time. It's not a date. It's just a quick dinner thing. We were talking about some school work and then we were talking about some places in town and I mentioned this place I'd heard a lot about and the next thing I knew we were going to try it out. OK? So that's not how dates work."

"Oh baby, that's exactly how dates work. That's stellar Jake. Girl didn't even know when you got her to agree. Gotta learn your technique."

Both Quil and Embry started laughing and I asked Jake, "Great, when are you guys going?" I didn't mean for my voice to have come out sounding so small. Jake said, "Friday night".

And so far I'd been fine, believing him word for word when he said he didn't mean for it to happen, he didn't want to go out, but then when he said Friday night he_ blushed._ Jake rarely blushed.

And knowing him the way I did, I suddenly knew he'd wanted it to go down exactly like it did.

And for some reason, despite having been the one who refused to give him a chance, this final confirmation of his having moved on made me want to cry.


	16. Chapter 16

**Bella POV**

By the time it was Friday morning I had worked myself up into such a state that I actually pulled the oldest trick in the book and faked illness to skip going to school. Charlie looked concerned but not overly so. Maybe he was letting me get away with it because I so rarely did the teen rebellion thing.

By noon I was regretting not going to school. Now I had the whole day to obsess over my best friend's love life and potentially, sex life. Unfortunately, that was exactly what I did all day.

Almost all the Quileute youngsters were blessed with beautiful physiques, being naturally tall and athletic looking. But even in that horde, May stood out. I envied her flawless golden skin and her incredible body. She wasn't athletic so much as she was elegant and fragile looking. And then there was her soft black hair and her luminous eyes. Above all her easygoing charm that was so like Jake's.

Truth be told, I was almost a bit surprised that Jake hadn't naturally chosen her a long time ago - as she apparently had done with him.

_Well, how does it matter? He's chosen her now. _The snide sadistic voice inside me reminded.

Again and again I told myself that this was really unhealthy. On the one hand I was not over Edward. Then, I was severely attracted to Jake, who was also my best friend. Jake loved me and I made him stop. And now that he was going out with someone else I was crazy jealous.

Evening fell. I knew they'd probably be driving out to the Italian place in his Rabbit, I couldn't help but wonder if Jake had bothered to dress up for this. Not that he needed to, he'd stand out with easy grace anyway. I wondered what she wore, and if Jake looked at her the way he'd looked at me sometimes.

The pain of it all got very real then, and I no longer battled my jealousy, but felt physically ill and tired. When Charlie came home that evening he actually believed I was ill. He gave me some dinner and helped me to my room, and told me I needed to sleep.

That night I couldn't sleep for hours. I tortured myself with thoughts of how their date would have ended, if she'd looked up at him shyly from under her eyelashes, if he'd kissed her... if he's kissed her softly or harder, if they'd sat for a long time in the Rabbit, which he'd built piece by piece in front of me.

Finally, I fell into exhausted sleep. Within moments, it seemed, I was back in the woods. And I was screaming.


	17. Chapter 17

**Bella POV**

I was terrified of the dark. Everything was dark. I could feel Edward watching me silently but not helping, not stepping forward, never saying a word. I felt the woods closing in on me and the eyes that glowed in the dark. Watching, waiting. My head felt light and suddenly I fell on the forest floor, among the insects and the rotting leaves, but I couldn't get up again. My mouth wouldn't form words to call for help. And all the while, the forest was closing in, the eyes were getting closer... and then I found my voice, and I started screaming.

"Bells, Bells... calm down. I'm here now honey, it's just a dream. Don't cry sweetheart, I'm here now." The warm voice reached me through the fog. A warm hand ran over my hair, absorbing my hysteria of moments ago. I took a sudden gasping breath for my the past few moments that I had forgotten to breathe. And Jake's arms were around me pulling me close to him, murmuring comfortingly into my ear until I really calmed down.

I pulled myself away from him long enough to look at him. A part of me wanted to check out what he'd worn on his date. But he was just in cut-offs, which probably meant he'd been patrolling.

That probably meant it was _late._ I squinted at my bedside clock. 3.30am.

"I'm sorry Jake. Don't know what came over me."

He was still looking at me like I was fragile. His arms still hadn't unwrapped themselves from around me. They caressed my back and my hair and my neck and he was still telling me I was safe, that he was here now.

It wasn't the fact that he was patrolling to protect me. It wasn't his voice which was so soft and so very tender as he spoke to me. It had almost nothing to do with the way his hands felt on my body through my night shirt, even though it had been so long since I had felt his touch in any way.

No. It was simply the fact that he was still here. That he hadn't given up on me and gone. That that must mean that somewhere, deep within him, he must still care. Right?

_Right?_

Only one way to find out.

"Jake, I... you're still here.."

"Of course Bells. I promised you didn't I?"

"People make a lot of promises Jake. But not all of them can be kept, right?"

"What are you talking about? Every single promise I ever made you, I'll keep. I have kept them all. Or are you talking about him again?" The pain in his eyes singed me, he thought I might be complaining about Edward's broken promises.

"I was talking about your promises Jake...about waiting for me.."

He looked at me then.

"But Bells..." He turned his face away so I couldn't see it. "I _am_ waiting. I will always wait for you. Always."

His open words left me breathless. He didn't shield himself at all. Did he not see how much hurt he was opening himself up to?

"Well you're dating now. I figured some of those promises would change."

"Bella." He turned to face me squarely. "She asked me. I said yes because I wanted to try... I wanted to try to feel something. For someone else. I wanted to try to let you be free. You don't want more than friendship, you love someone else. I hurt when I am close to you because I want so much more. I was hoping to stop hurting. Maybe if I felt something for her, maybe if I could just focus on someone else for once, I wouldn't hurt so much. Then I could give you everything you need from me, and stay close to you."

I looked at him silently. The things did for me, even I couldn't comprehend the depths of them.

"And?" I asked him. I had to know.

"And... nothing."

"Nothing? Nothing at all?"

"Nothing Bella. I didn't see her. I mean she sat across from me and everything. And don't get me wrong she is a great girl. Good looking too. But I just don't _see _her, I don't_ see _anyone else. I always think of you, whenever I close my eyes, it's your face I see."

That melting feeling again... but questions still lingered. "Did you kiss her?"

He laughed then. I didn't know what could be _less _funny than my question. My life felt like it sort of depended on it actually.

"I did actually." He laughed some more, sort of quietly.

I gasped. Before I knew it I had swatted him on his shoulder. And now I was clutching my fingers in pain. "Ow."

"Don't get violent Bells. I just wanted to see if it did anything for me. I figured maybe more extreme measures were called for."

"And?"

"And... nothing." He was openly laughing now. "So I said goodbye to her and came home. That's what happened."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It was incredible how relieved I felt. _My Jake_. Still mine. The headache I had suffered all day suddenly vanished. Tired of fighting the urge to feel him, I turned to him and put my arms around him. His arms tightened around me instinctively although I wasn't sure if he was fully aware yet that he was, in fact, touching me. Against his unspoken rules.

He raised his head a little bit to look at me and I saw his short hair was spiked up adorably. I just _had to_ lean across then and plant a soft kiss on his cheek. Unless he suddenly put the brakes on the touching, I would.

I misread the distance though, or maybe he moved a little, because it somehow ended up on his lips instead, a quick, fumbling peck.

I stopped from asking myself how much of an accident it had really been.

It was difficult to say exactly what happened next. One moment his eyes were playful, loving, and the next minute they changed completely. The ghost of the earlier smile completely vanished from his face. All I could see now was that longing.

He raised himself slowly, almost imperceptibly, all the while looking into my eyes. He moved infinitesimally closer towards me and i could feel his gaze on my lips. Something was giving way inside me, and I could barely hear his voice when he called my name. "Bella..." His voice lit a fire in a place deep inside me.

And then before either of us could think any further his lips were on mine. I felt myself respond, thought vaguely that this is what it feels like to be kissed for the first time. Without thinking my hands traveled up and tangled in his hair, pulling his face closer to mine.

I had never felt anything like this before. Millions of kisses with Edward had not prepared me for the heat that seemed to flow from his lips to mine.

There was warmth within me too, the fire that had come alive at my core was touching me in secret places. I felt my tongue teasing his lips and he gasped, parting his lips and our tongues were dancing. His one hand circled me and the other moved from my cheek to my hair to my neck and he held me in place as he kissed me.

I heard little moans come out of my mouth as our kiss grew deeper, and no longer was a kiss but a flame, he whispered my name over and over and over and then his lips traveled like sparks down my neck to the pulse in my throat. He sucked me there gently while I groaned out loud.

His one hand slipped under my shirt to touch the skin at my waist above my pyjamas. I shivered at his touch and my body bent backward to allow him more access. His hands moved lightly, exploring the skin over my stomach and my ribs, to my uncovered breasts. His fingers were hesitant, worshipful as he slowly moved them across and cupped my right breast in his hand. He paused in kissing me for a moment then and pulled back, and the look in his eyes almost drove me crazy.

And almost as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. Jake seemed to jump away from me and in a moment he was standing away from the bed, panting visibly and tryin to catch his breath.

"Jesus. Fuck." This, from Jake.

"Jake... what's wrong?"

He turned towards me. I was shocked to see the pain in his eyes. He groaned, not quite out loud, "What are you doing to me Bella?"

"Jake..I.. I want you, I feel this strongly. Can't you see?"

Suddenly the trembling and the panting from him reduced. He was in control of himself again.

"I know."

"You do?"

"I know you want me Bells. I know you're attracted to me. I have known that for a long time now."

"Oh. Then why didn't you say something? How come you've never..."

"Kissed you before?"

He closed the distance between us in two strides. "Don't you see Bells? This is not what I want."

_Oh._ He wasn't making any sense to me at all.

Finally he sat down at the edge of my bed, keeping a safe foot or so between us. Then he looked in my eyes and spoke.

"Bells. If this was all I wanted, that would be easier on everyone wouldn't it? But I don't. I can't do this Bells, I'm not that strong..."

He came close to touching my hair, thought again, pulled away his hand. "Sweetheart - I don't want to be the guy you satisfy your curiosity with.. if all you're looking for is physical comfort. I can give it to you Bells and God only knows how badly I want to... " His voice quivered, "If for a single moment I could abandon thought I would be begging you to take whatever you want from me, and give me whatever you can."

He paused for a long moment then. "But Bells... I've _seen_ what we can be. And I know I will never see anything else."

Finally he lost the battle with his own hand, caressed my cheek. Once. Lightly. Pulled away his hand again. Spoke - "I want more Bells, I want all of you. I want you for keeps, I want you for always. I want you to be mine, I want you to be _only_ mine. And I don't think you can give that to me. Yet."

He made as if to move towards the window. His movements looked like he was in pain.

"Jake... please don't leave now. I don't want to be without you. Please." I felt so hurt, so rejected. Rational thought had long fled. How could he leave me like this? He'd started... we'd started this thing, this feeling, and now he was so easily walking away, leaving me burning. I wanted him back. Right now I just wanted to continue feeling his hands on me, his lips on mine.

Seeing the expression on my face he stopped, and very slowly, in an even voice, said, "Bells, this very moment, leaving you when you are looking at me like that, is the hardest thing I've ever done - that I'll ever do. I guess you should know that."

He added gently, "But I'm playing for keeps Bells. And if that means that I need to stop kissing you right now, so you don't regret this tomorrow morning, _I will stop it._ Because when this happens for real, there will be no regrets. I promise."

He put one leg on top of the windowsill and just before he jumped, he turned to me and whispered, "Remember what I told you. The day you see _only me_ - the way I see only you - you will find me waiting. Even if it takes forever."

And with that, he was gone.


	18. Chapter 18

_Much angst. Because I felt like. :-) Don't hate me!_

**Bella POV**

In the days that followed I found myself marvelling at _little _things.

Like the plain fact that the sun rose every day.

Like the inevitability with which I got up with the sun, continued to live. Sort of.

Time dilated a bit in those days, got stretchy, stopped fitting neatly around the shapes of the days that I lived.

So that I'd always find too many empty hours afoot, have to fill them with unfinished thoughts and unfinished conversations.

Some out loud. Some soundlessly. All with myself.

And time was _relentless_, a bit too pesky really, and really, the sun _kept_ rising, and I _kept_ living, all the while thinking, _if only time would just disappear, then I'd be able to stand still, and then I'd _- - - (the unfinished thoughts would remain unfinished, dissolve eventually.)

I marvelled at _big _things too.

So I thought, _really thought,_ about the perfection of eternal existence (even if a trifle marred by bloodlust - let's face it, thirst was not a talking point among_ big_ things.)

I supposed, when you were perfect and stone cold and frozen forever,_ then and_ _only then_, would time leave you alone.

And, I supposed, _then_ you could stand still too (too still), and then you could - - -

And I thought about still being warm, fallible and weak, gifted only with this infinite capacity to feel pain.

And felt it.

Pain was good. I was glad for it.

But the best part about being human that I came to truly appreciate in those days, was really our endless possibility to reinvent.

Calamity, death, natural disasters, upheaval, _everything _torn apart_._ And then like ants we picked up the pieces, went about the new normal, like water finding its own level. Every time.

And so it was with me, with us.

After the night Jake left me I was quite sure nothing would ever be the same anymore, (and maybe it wasn't.)

And no matter how much I willed it, time_ wouldn't _just disappear, instead it would simply dilate, become stretchier, cling to me even more.

The sediments of things, (mornings, afternoons, dusks, people, places, noises), settled down all around everything like fine dust. So much so that from a vantage point at a particular far-enough-away distance (a distance two weeks long or three weeks long - I counted as I went) things looked almost smooth, almost like before, (though maybe they weren't.)

I wondered if _hurting Jake_ and _hurting with Jake_ was a small thing or a big thing.

It should have been a _small_ thing because Edward was a _big_ thing. (Wasn't he?)

And you can't hurt over _two_ big things, that would be wrong, unfair, out-of-balance, I should remember to - - -

And then you recalled your infinite capacity for pain, and hurt more anyway.

I tried not to miss Jake or need Jake.

I played games with myself that started with "_You will spend the next five minutes not thinking about Jake_".

They ended after a few moments with my head in my lap, my body curled into itself, gasping with choking sobs.

And all the time, _everywhere_, I smelt Jake, I felt Jake. It was as if now that he had made me feel... all those things... I couldn't feel anything else.

He had said he'd known I'd wanted him. But he hadn't let me in on the joke (and now I knew, I hadn't just wanted him, I needed him like the air I breathed, like the sun, like it - - -)

He had known and it was not enough for him. And now Jake-my-friend was Jake-who-could-kiss-me-like-that and I smelt him (wood, pine, earth), _everywhere_, and I felt him (warm steel wrapped in silk, soft-hard, hard-soft, melting lips) _everywhere_.

Everything was spinning now.

I fought the hole, all the holes (they were decidedly increasing) in me, left by all the people I loved, and who loved me, and who lied, or who left, or who wanted more.

In one of those too stretchy moments one lazy afternoon, during one of those soundless, unfinished conversations in my head, I pointed scornful fingers and yelled at Jake for not understanding, for thinking this was simple, _for being so sure that this could ever have been simple, or even possible_, for hoping for all of that from me, and setting_ this_ in motion, and _he of all people knew_, he _knew_ what I was, and in this conversation-in-my-head Jake tipped his head to one side and smirked and said "but Bella, all you had to do was breathe" and I was furious, _again_, and I shook him, and I screamed, _You think breathing is easy,_ _How do I exhale, How do I, How do I inhale, Where does this go, What part is this, How can you say just let it be, because don't you see, You were there, He left me, He broke me, and now I'm broken, and I can't forget, I can never forget - - -_


	19. Chapter 19

**Jake POV**

Sam was bugged with me. He thought I had lost it. I kept asking him to let me patrol more and more. If I had my way I would run wolf all day, all night. Being wolf helped me not think so many stupid things. Yea the wolf was aggressive, all animal instinct, but when it came to human emotions he helped me suppress them somewhat.

Even the suppressed ones drove the other guys crazy though. My mental state just wasn't helping anybody else what with wolf telepathy and all. They were all living my frustration with me and they weren't happy about it.

I didn't care. I was really hoping the red haired leach would show up so I could tear her apart.

It was Thursday night - I hadn't met Bella for over a week although I patrolled near her house every single night. I knew she cried sometimes, but most nights it seemed she was in dreamless sleep. She did call out while she was dreaming though, sometimes it was to the Cullen asshole, sometimes it was to me.

_See, this is exactly what I didn't want._

I had played second fiddle for Bella all the time I'd known her. I loved her like crazy and I knew she felt something for me too. But I wasn't planning on playing second fiddle my whole life. She had to wake up and realise what she felt for me. And tell me if it was enough.

If it wasn't, I was prepared to be her best friend or whatever she needed from me. But she was hanging on to that guy_ so goddam hard_. She was in just such a bad place that unless she_ herself_ decided to change things, they'd probably never change.

The reason I was having so many thoughts right now was because Sam had banished me from the patrol. He just said "Get lost Jacob. Sleep it off or something." As if I could do that. I didn't want to go home, have Billy look at me like I was a broken car he needed to fix. So I walked the beach.

There were two or three bonfires all along the beach - some tourists, some local kids. I stayed clear of those and went to the furthest end where it was dark and quiet. I needed to be alone.

There was a bunch of rocks Embry and I ended up at those nights when he didn't feel so great. He never really talked about it, it was a restlessness I'd come to recognize, a look in his eyes. I had realised that growing up, he'd wonder about his father more and more, now that he was old enough to know about the birds and the bees. He was bound to wonder whose loins he'd sprung from and all that.

But the whole wolf thing had really thrown him in a tizzy. The bloodlines narrowed down the possibilities to just a few men of the tribe, one of them being Billy.

I really wished his mom would just talk to him. Wolf telepathy didn't give leave him with a fighting chance to figure himself out - and the poor guy was just getting messed up.

I neared the rocks, thought I'd hang out here for some time, when I realised there was someone already sitting there.

Girl in a white dress sitting on the sand. Hugging her knees to her chest. As always in these situations my heart raced at the possibility it might be Bella. Maybe she'd come to see me after all - tell me she had it all figured out.

_Yea. Right._ It was 10pm and there was no way Bella would be on First Beach all by herself at this time.

Just then the girl looked up and I realised it was May.

_Oh._

Then the guilt hit me. I hadn't called her since that Friday - heck, I hadn't even thought of her at all. But looking at her sitting here, looking so small and alone, I felt like such a jerk.

I had become one of those guys who beat around the bush, went out with a girl, _kissed her,_ and then forgot all about her.

Sure so there was just one girl for me - but that didn't give me the license to hurt anybody else.

I hadn't meant this - and it was scary - but I'd have to fix this.

I walked up to her. It was full moon and her face was clear in the light. I could read every expression as it flitted across, confusion, some anger, some more confusion, and finally she settled on a small smile. Maybe my guilt showed in my face.

"Hey May."

"Hey," Her voice was soft, but it sounded to me like she was trying to keep it normal.

"Hey. I'm really sorry.. I should have called you. I meant to. It's just been really weird these last few days."

She kept quiet for a while so I wandered closer and finally sat down near her.

She looked straight ahead at the surf, finally said, 'It's all right Jake. Besides, I know you're in love with Bella."

I looked quickly at her, but she was smiling softly. Although it was kind of a sad smile. "It's written all over your face every time you're near her. It's like you don't notice anything else."

"I don't see anyone else" - I recalled my own words to Bella._ Did May even know how right she was?_

"Listen - I'm sorry for not calling. I shouldn't have done that. And I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm just... I was seeing something."

The words came out before I could stop them. Now I _really_ was a jerk. A jerk who'd just admitted her was experimenting with her.

She seemed to sigh deeply. Finally she stopped staring at the ocean, turned her whole face to me and looked straight in my eyes.

"Don't worry Jake. I'm not sorry you kissed me. I'm glad you did. Even if it helped you figure out that Bella is the only one for you."

I was figuring out what to say to that when she added, "But Jake.. you remember the time we all found that dead squirrel in the woods near Jared's place - we were all nine or something? And you kept trying to make it drink water and revive it. You bandaged it's broken leg and you carried it around like a baby. I remember how much you cried when Billy finally told you it wasn't coming back."

She probably couldn't see it but I blushed pretty deeply at that. That was the only time in my memory when I'd cried in front of my friends. Billy had sat me down that evening, told me about how people go away sometimes forever - but that eventually everyones goes to the same place, and we find them again.

It wasn't a day too soon because that winter, Mom died in that accident. After that, I'd known death quite well.

Although none of the gang saw me crying again. Whenever I'd thought I would start, I remembered what Billy said - that I'd be with her again someday.

"Jake, I don't know why I've never forgotten that day." Her words pulled me out of my reverie. I looked at her in a daze as she continued, "I don't know why - but I like to see you happy. If you ask me I won't be able to tell you why. So just know this OK? I'm there for you. If you decide someday that you want me around, I'll be there. OK?"

She was telling me something - it was all in her own words, yet it sounded familiar. I can read between the lines, I'm not stupid. And even if I were, and even if she was trying to keep her voice normal, her eyes spoke volumes.

And it was all some cosmic joke, a farce of galactic proportions. Bella waiting for Edward, me waiting for Bella, May waiting for me. And I knew first hand of at least half a dozen guys who were in love with May. Where did it end?

Why couldn't we all have what we want - or, if not, at least just want what we could have?

Stupid life.


	20. Chapter 20

Jake POV

Bella finally came over to see me after twelve whole days. She looked terrible - almost as bad as last September after the whole Cullen episode. I'd been tuning my bike, which hadn't really seen light of day since the day Bella had banged up hers. Neither of us had been very motivated to go riding after that.

She sat down on the crate she usually sat on. I abandoned the bike and went closer to her. The first thing she said took me by surprise.

"God Jake - you look terrible."

This really was the pot calling the kettle black. I had to laugh at that one, shake my head. "Sorry Bells. Not been sleeping much."

"So - why have you disappeared on me?" The hurt in her voice was unmistakeable

I told her the truth. "I just wasn't sure if you wanted to hear from me after what happened. I wanted you to figure out if you still wanted to be my friend, or what." I said the last part as casually as I could, trying not to found hopeful. "It's not like I've disappeared you know - I patrol around your place every night."

When I said that she looked like she'd start crying. Hell, she looked like she had been crying _a lot. _

I felt sick to my stomach - had I done this to her?I had just wanted her to get out of the rut she was in, let me make her happy - happier than she's ever been.

But it looked like I was only tearing her up in the process.

So I sat down next to her, took her hand. "Bells - I missed you every day. I just didn't want to push you. I know I said a lot of things, so I was giving you some space." I stroked her knuckles with my thumb, trying to convey my feelings through touch as well as words.

"But I'll always be your friend Bells. Nothing's going to change that."

Before I'd even finished talking she threw herself on me, holding me tight. "I missed you so much Jake. Please never leave me."

I shushed her, held her close, trying not to squeeze her too tight.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't...before.. Maybe... maybe I would change," she whispered. "Maybe, if you gave me some time... just don't quit on me now, Jake. I can't take it."

Tears stained her porcelain face, and her hair stuck to it in patches. And even if she looked like a complete mess, to me she still looked unbelievably beautiful.

"Don't worry honey. I'm not going anywhere," I told her as I rocked her until she was calm again.

After that day, things were better. I had accepted that Bella needed time.

But there was a kernel of hope in my heart. It really did seem she was coming around, becoming herself again.

When I saw her, she smiled at me like nothing made her happier than to see me. That almost came close to how I felt about her.

I didn't try that hard to hide my feelings from her anymore. She knew them anyway. It didn't look like she was shying away from them either. We both took it slow though, went back to being best friends. Sure, there were some lingering touches, and maybe she caught me staring at her once in a while. But I was in no rush at all.

I had begun to believe it was a matter of time before she healed. And that was all right, because I had all the time in the world. I'd give her as much time as she needed.

Little did I know then, how quickly we'd both run out of it.


	21. Chapter 21

**Bella POV**

It was an overcast evening as Jake and I returned from La Push. Jake was driving my truck as I hunkered down on the passenger side. I was really tired.

We'd gone diving off the low cliffs along the north seawall and it seemed to me that after a long time I had felt really alive. Even if I _was_ terrified.

The last time I'd felt this alive was when Jake kissed me in my room that night. I felt my face growing warm at the mere memory of that night.

I tried not to think about it as I didn't want to be teased about being tomato-face again. Also, Jake seemed to have developed an uncanny ability to guess just when I was thinking about him, and I'd catch him smiling at me _like that, _which made me feel that somehow he had a direct line to my innermost thoughts. It was unnerving.

We'd all gotten into a water dunking fight on the beach. Obviously, none of the girls - with the exception of Leah, who had only recently joined the pack - were strong enough to resist the boys picking us up like sacks of flour and dumping us unceremoniously in the water.

That part had been fun too. The part where Jake picked me up and carried me. I had replayed it in my head a few times by now. It's just that he was so... strong. I looked sideways at him now, but not so he'd see me looking.

"Checking me out again Bells?" He was half-smirking.

Busted. Damn peripheral wolf vision.

"Hey... I don't mind, by the way." He added when my cheeks turned red and I turned to look out of the window. I was shivering with the cold. My clothes were still wet since I didn't have a second change of clothes after I was dunked.

"You cold? It's a 108 degrees over here." Jake offered. I scooted up to him gratefully, and sank down next to him absorbing his body heat. He put one arm around me and chuckled, "Not sure what you'd do without me Bells."

"I wouldn't have been wet in the first place if you hadn't dunked me, you moron." He just laughed at that and I laughed as well. His was the most infectious laugh I'd known.

Then we reached my house and he turned to me to say, "You know what else? If it weren't for me, you would have been out with Mike Newton right now. How's that for a saving grace?" As he said that he pulled me closer to him with his arm that was around me.

I smiled at him, "You got me there buddy. The best of Mike Newton could never beat this."

I was feeling content where I was, looking up into his eyes which seemed to be searching mine. He was still being very good about giving me time and space though. _Unfortunately._

He just kissed the top of my head and released me. I felt instantly cold.

The moment he opened the door and stuck out his head he suddenly stiffened.

"Jake - what's wrong?"

He gritted his teeth. "Vampire."

He shut the door behind him and said, "Stay where you are Bells. This is a fresh scent. Whoever it was is likely still around."

My heart went into my mouth. Charlie! The Cruiser wasn't there though. He wasn't home yet. I exhaled in relief.

Jake went up to the porch, keeping one eye on the truck the entire time, and then came back. "Whoever it was, went up to the front door and then left again."

Just then his face contorted into an angry expression as he looked to the side of the truck. I craned my neck to look out the window to see what he was seeing.

"Alice!" I exclaimed. I felt like I was seeing a ghost.

I noticed Jake seemed to be shaking with anger at the sight of her. I quickly jumped out of the truck and went to him, laid one hand on his arm, and whispered. "Jake. It's OK. It's Alice Cullen, she won't hurt me. Or you."

He fought to calm himself down but still looked wearily at her. Finally he turned to me and asked, "Why is she here?"

"I don't know Jake. How am I supposed to know?"

Alice had ben moving to us slowly and she finally said, "I need to talk to Bella." I turned to her then and was once again stunned by her loveliness. Everything about her was lustrous, from her glowing, perfect skin, to her short hair. Her ballerina body moved with an easy grace. My heart ached when I took her in. She was just the same, still perfect in every way.

But everything that had tied me to her was different._ Edward was gone._

Alice was looking at me too, and her eyes were full of pain.

Suddenly Jake's arm shot out to pull be back from Alice, and he kept one arm around me protectively. "You better not come any closer to her, or else, treaty or no treaty, I'm taking you down."

I put my hand on Jake's arm to tug at it, to tell him it was OK, but when I looked at Alice, I was shocked at the ugly expression that twisted her face. "You dog. She should me more scared of you than of me."

"Both of you - please calm down." I quickly interjected before this became a fight. I knew they were mortal enemies but they were both my friends. And I wasn't going to let them kill each other on my front lawn today.

"Alice - why are you here?" I could't keep the raw pain out of my voice. I felt Jake's arm soften around me, hug me closer to himself. "You all left without so much as informing me - why come back now, why seek me out? What could there possibly be to talk about now?"

"Bella - " her eyes narrowed at Jake's arm which was snaked around me, "I need to talk to you because I have to warn you. I have seen your future. Bella - you are in grave danger. If we don't do something - you are going to die."


	22. Chapter 22

Bella POV

"What? What the hell are you talking about?" Jake was thundering at Alice. "Don't give us any of your bullshit you leach. Bella is fine. She is safe. I am not going to let anything harm her." His eyes looked daggers at Alice, and it was quite clear exactly what Jake thought could harm me.

"Bella," Alice spoke directly to me, ignoring Jake, "Your future has disappeared completely. I can't even see beyond today. It had been flickering a lot of late. I can't see you for hours at a time. It's been driving Ed... all of us crazy with worry."

I couldn't believe what she was saying. Had she really almost said Edward's name?

"Why are you still even looking at my future Alice? Of what concern is it to you? You all left me, remember?"

"Oh Bella," she stepped closer to me. She scrunched up her nose when she came closer and I could tell she didn't like the way Jake smelt, as much as he didn't like the way vampires smelt.

As she neared me and the porch light a bit more, I could see her face more clearly and smell her. Her scent made me dizzy with nostalgia. The same intoxicating aroma was all around me. It brought back memories of happier times, of me in the Cullens' house, of Alice telling me she loved me like a sister. Her beautiful eyes looked straight into mine and I felt like my heart would break. Her beauty was hypnotic, and going against every angry thought I'd had over the past few months, I wanted to hold her.

If I hadn't been aware of Jake's low growls right beside me, I probably would have.

"Oh Bella, I am so sorry for that. Believe me we were left with no choice about that. We had to leave for your own good. We all hated letting you go but you just weren't safe around us."

I believe if Alice was able to cry she would have been crying now. As it was, her eyes looked brighter and sadder than I'd ever seen her. In that moment I knew,_ of course she loved me, I should never have worried._

"She is not safe around you, damn right, and she still isn't so why have you come back?" Jake was asking her angrily.

"Bella - what have you started hanging out with? Trust you to find the next monster available to make friends with." She was still ignoring him and talking directly to me. I felt Jake get more tense and I was worried he was going to lose control and phase.

"Alice - Jake is my friend. He has been there for me the whole time... you were gone... please, don't talk about him like that. He means a lot to me." All the while I said this, my hand stroked Jake's arm which he was still clutching me with, mentally urging him to calm down and get a hold on his anger.

Alice seemed to bite back sharp words of her own at that, but stopped just in time. She finally said, "I'm sorry Bella. Jake, if you took care of Bella while we were gone, I'm grateful to you."

"It wasn't for your benefit," Jake sputtered.

Alice continued as if he hadn't spoken, and once again I felt that the words were directed at me. "But you have to know it isn't safe for her to be around you. Where are you both coming from that I couldn't see? I concentrated all afternoon but I couldn't see anything at all. Bella please," she turned pleading eyes towards me, "You have to be careful. You don't know but... Victoria is trying to get to you."

Even in this tense moment a laugh escaped Jake, "Tell us something we don't know, leach. Bella is watched and protected every single moment of the day. No thanks to you."

"Is he telling the truth? Victoria has been around here?" The fear in Alice's eyes made me afraid as well.

I could only whisper, "Yes..."

"So he was right! Bella - the very first time I saw Victoria in my visions, Edward told me she must be after you. That's when I started keeping closer track of your movements. When your future disappeared he... he assumed she got to you. He is on his way to hunt her down and kill her now."

I felt like the ground was slipping from under my feet. Edward... and Alice... still worried about me? Still watched over me? Why?

"But you both... left..all of you.." only a weak voice came from me. I could feel Jake propping me up to stay standing as my knees gave way. His heart pounded so angrily I could feel it.

"I told you Bella. It was not safe for you to be around us. We all had to agree to not tell you anything because that would make it harder. After the incident at your birthday party... Edward realised he could not endanger your life anymore. He had to make you see somehow, and he chose this way because he wanted you to make a clean break and move on. He wanted nothing else except for you to be happy, Bella. I wanted so much to tell you - but I was bound."

I swayed with dizziness. Seeing the incredulous expression on my face, Alice continued, "He loves you so much, Bella. His entire existence is meaningless without you - and he still left, because he didn't want to see any harm come your way. He has just been wandering around in the mountains these past few months, trying to figure out if he can end his life somehow."

"Edward's...coming back... here? For me?"

"Yes Bella. He won't let Victoria harm you. He is on his way now."

That was the last thing I heard before everything went black.


	23. Chapter 23

**Bella POV**

_I was back in the forest, going deeper and deeper into the darkness. _

_Suddenly up ahead, I saw a movement, and then a russet coloured wolf with Jake's eyes. _

_He seemed to be in pain. I rushed towards him, and saw him fall to the ground, writhing in pain. _

_There was a boy sitting with his back to me, looking at the wolf. __He looked very familiar. _

_Just then, he turned, and I saw it was Edward. __His face and shirt were covered with blood. _

_Even though I hadn't seen it happen I knew then that the wolf had been bitten._

_Edward's melancholy voice said, "Bella... love, I didn't mean it. I just wanted what's best for you. I love you so."_

_And still the wolf writhed. I wanted to scream but the closer I got, the more mute I became._

When I came to, I saw Alice and Jake both hovering around me. I recognised my surroundings - I was lying on the couch in my living room. Charlie apparently still wasn't home.

There had been an uneasy silence between Jake and Alice but the moment he saw my eyes flutter open, Jake came down on his knees at my side.

"Bells... are you all right?" His husky voice was full of pain and fear. I wanted to speak to him, but still couldn't make any words come out. It was just like in my dream. I heard a voice say, "Don't go so close to her you mutt. She is going to stink like you." I realised it was Alice speaking to Jake. I barely recognised the voice, it was so full of hatred and loathing. It sounded nothing like Alice.

Or maybe that's what Alice sounded like when she spoke to a werewolf.

Jake didn't seem to have heard her. His hand was on my cheek, and there was so much love, so much worry in his eyes, that it made the words come out, even if my throat wasn't ready, even if my muscles wouldn't cooperate.

"I'm OK Jake... don't worry." Relief pooled into his eyes then and he bent his head down, his cheek resting on my arm. He was shaking, and since he couldn't possibly be laughing, I grew terrified at the other possibility.

"Bella, you're awake!" Alice said in the sing song voice I was more used to hearing from her. Her voice was like musical notes, a piano by the ocean.

I lifted up one hand, put it on Jake's head, lacing it through his hair. His hair was so silky even when it was short. I gently ran my hand through it a few times, waiting for him to stop shaking. Eventually he did, and slowly lifted up his head again to look at me. His face was composed, it looked hard almost, but the telltale remnants of tears that hadn't quite evaporated even on his warm face were still there.

"I'm all right Jake. Nothing to worry about. Alice is not going to harm me." I tried consoling him. I knew it would upset him to be so close to a vampire, for me to be so close to a vampire, but I didn't think that would be something he would cry about.

So what was he crying about?

_A russet coloured wolf, writhing on the ground._

Suddenly I remembered what Alice had said.

"Alice, do you know when Edward is getting here?"

"Any minute now sweetheart."

An involuntary sound seemed to escape from Jake. Before I knew it he was on his feet. He moved really fast and was at the door before I even knew it.

"Jake! Where are you going?"

"Bells - I just don't want to murder anyone I might regret later. I need to get out of here." His face was set in the same hard mask I'd seen on his face when he phased. This wasn't the face I knew and loved. This was the someone else he became.

But there was little point in stopping him, because yes, I didn't want there to be any murders.

"Take it easy - we'll be out there. VIctoria is not coming near you." With that, he was gone.

"Phew. I feel like I should air out the whole place," Alice said. She had a naughty grin on her face but I felt irritation build up within me. "Alice, please can you not talk about Jake like that? If you have a problem being near him, you needn't come near me either."

"Whoa... calm down Bella. It's not him, it's what he is. Being near him, for me, is like dog breath times a million. I don't think he appreciates my scent either you know."

_But at least he doesn't go on about it like you,_ I thought mentally.

"Anyway Bella - Edward should be here soon. Do you want to freshen up? I could help you get cleaned up quickly, do you know where you kept your hairbrush?"

I felt my eyes literally popping out of my head. Was she telling me I looked like a mess? "Alice... uh... sorry I'm not at my best right now but I just fainted you know? Maybe this isn't the best time to play dress-up-Bella." I could barely believe the words coming out of my mouth - I had never said a mean word to Alice before. The fact is, it annoyed me how she thought she could just waltz back into my life with her visions and her piano voice and think we could go right back to where we were.

_I am different now. I think._

Where was she when I actually needed someone? Where was she when I had all but lost myself?

She had known what had happened to me - and she never thought to check in with me, make sure I was OK.

And now she wanted to help me get cleaned up?

"Sorry Bella," she said with a hasty smile. "I wasn't playing dress-up at all. Oh Bella," she sat down next to me, filling my senses with her smell and her proximity and her doe eyes. "I'm just being a romantic. So many times over the past months I have wished Edward would change his mind. I mean, both of you are so right for each other. And once you are turned, there will be no worries about your getting hurt anymore. Ever again. I so want you for a sister." She grinned. "I was just letting the romantic in me run away with my thoughts that's all. I was hoping you guys have a lovely reunion, now that he's finally come to his sense."

I couldn't resist her when she smiled at me like that even though a part of me couldn't help but wish she wouldn't speak in the present tense, like nothing had changed. Or as if it was only a matter of Edward coming to his sense.

What about me?

"Speaking of reunion..." she looked behind me with a mesmerizing smile and then suddenly got up and danced away. Before I could see where she'd gone, she dragged Edward back with her to the front of the couch, facing me. She gave him a hug and said, "I'm so happy you're doing this" before she turned, winked at me, and then was gone.

Edward and I were alone.

Involuntarily, my eyes went up his lean frame to rest on his face. I had dreamed of his face every day, in every day dream, every nightmare, every idle thought I had had for so many months.

And yet when I looked at him, it was like I was seeing him for the first time. There was so much perfection in that face, that it wasn't a wonder that my brain hadn't been able to remember it.

Every contour of his face seemed carved out of luminous marble. He was beautiful beyond description. His tall, lean, muscular body had the grace of a greek god. I stared at him in wonder even as I felt my blood rushing through my veins that much harder, my heart beating that much faster.

He had been standing in front of me with his head bowed, and then finally he raised his head to look into my eyes.

It was as if time had stopped. No, it was as if no time had passed at all. It was the same force I felt when I looked at him for the first time. As if something had reached inside me and linked me to him. His golden eyes were full of the deepest love.

He began to talk, and I let his velvet voice wash over me without listening. I couldn't listen. I was in sensory overload. When he took a step towards me, his scent hit my nose and I felt my insides turn the way they did whenever he was near.

I knew he was saying sorry, his every other sentence was punctuated with "Bella love" and "for your safety" and "my life, my love."

Buried somewhere deep within me was the thought that I should protest against having to hear the things he was saying. The things that were rolling off his tongue, what did they mean.. How could he say them to me..

_(Because he'd left me in the woods. Like all my love had meant nothing. Nothing at all._

_And I'd broken into a million pieces, dissolved into a million holes.)_

Except he was back wasn't he? So what did this mean?

_(That I was good enough - that I'd __always been? __Did this mean eternity meant something? That promises weren't just words?_

_That "forever, for real" had an actual meaning?)_

Then I heard a door open and a thundering voice shouting, "What the hell is he doing here?"

Charlie was home.


	24. Chapter 24

**Bella POV**

Even though Edward pulled out all stops being the perfect gentleman, Charlie didn't tolerate him in the house for even a couple minutes. It was a little funny how the indestructible Edward had to beat a hasty retreat. Charlie's gun wasn't a threat to him of course - so it had to be Charlie's expression that did him in.

When Charlie came back after locking the door, he came and stood looking at me.

"Why are you laid up on the couch? You all right kiddo?" His voice was still gruff from the shouting he'd just been doing, but I could tell just how scared he was for me. Right now I could read his thoughts better than Edward would have been able to. ("_Why the hell is he back? Hope she's not going to go around another bender. He better not hurt her again...or else..."_ ... so on and so forth.)

"I'm fine Dad. Edward and his family are... back in town. He was just paying me a quick visit to say hi, nothing much."

I could tell he didn't really buy the whole casual act, but he didn't want to upset me either. He told me I looked tired and that I should rest up. I hugged him good night and went to my room.

Edward was waiting.

Maybe it's just that it'd been a while but somehow, instead of filling me with the hum of excitement it used to, his presence made me feel a bit ... exposed.

Maybe he should have asked if he could come in?

"Bella.." as soon as I heard his voice though, I forgot my protests. How could one word contain so much emotion? Anguish, grief ... longing...

I still felt like I should set at least this record straight though. He couldn't just keep going on as if the past months hadn't happened.

There was a time when I had opened this room, my heart, and every aspect of my life to him.

And he had left and it had taken me months to get back to some semblance of normalcy.

Misreading my grim expression, Edward said, "I knew you are not well, love, and I want you to rest. Really, I do. I just wanted to tell you one last time how sorry I am. I realise now how you have also suffered these past few months. My intention was never to make you suffer. I just wanted to protect you from my kind."

"Why didn't you just tell me what you were planning, Edward? Why deceive me in the worst possible way? Why leave me as if I didn't matter to you? Do you know what it did to me?"

"But Bella..." he had the gall to look at me like_ he was the one who was hurt_, "How could you believe me? After everything I had said - you knew I love you like crazy. And I always will."

"Well - what did you expect me to do? You knew I never felt adequate compared to you. When you left you... you destroyed what little belief I had in myself.." I was crying now. I was making sure I kept quiet though - the last thing I needed was for Charlie to walk into my room and see Edward there. Somehow getting grounded for the rest of my life didn't appeal to me at this point.

"Hush, love, please try to understand, please believe me. Every second apart from you was agony for me. Leaving you was the most difficult thing I could do, but I did it because I thought it was the best course of action to ensure your safety."

"But Edward... what about honesty? What happened to discussing things openly, coming to a mutual consensus?"

He sighed, which I knew was out of habit, since he didn't technically breathe anymore. "Love - ask yourself honestly. Would you have been able to let me go?"

When I didn't reply to that, he looked into my eyes and said, "The attachment you felt for me is the same attachment I felt - and still feel - for you. I knew you wouldn't be able to walk away. I didn't want you to end up hurt...or worse... because I wasn't strong enough to walk away either. I did it for you."

Then he closed the gap between us in one silent step, and his cool hands came to rest on my shoulders. I shivered slightly. "Bella - I truly loved and will always love you more than I have anyone else, more than my own life. I have realised now that even if I try, I can't live away from you, and seeing how the past few months were for you, maybe you can't either. I want you to be mine again and give me another chance to prove my love." His scent filled my sense, his proximity was making me dizzy.. in a good way. When his palm came and rested on my cheek I couldn't help but close my eyes and lean into his hand. He whispered, "my love..." I felt his lips on mine, and forgot everything else.


	25. Chapter 25

**Bella POV**

I wasn't sure if I wanted to have Edward spend the whole night, but I didn't know how to tell him to leave either. I decided I'd let him stay that night, but not in the future. After all, Jake also visited me sometimes and I didn't want him to think he wasn't welcome. Having a vampire in my room could give him that idea.

Feeling Edward's fingers stroking my hair I fell into a deep sleep but it wasn't peaceful. I was a bit cold during the night. Several times I felt as if I floated up to the very edge of wakefulness, as if someone was calling to me. In my deepest sleep I heard a wolf howling. After a few moments - or maybe it was a few hours - I woke up. It was broad daylight.

Edward was in a shaded corner of my room, watching me. I realised he wouldn't have slept so he probably watched me the whole night. I didn't know how I felt about that. I knew I felt residual anger, and tried not to let it get to me. I wanted to be fair to Edward, now that he had explained what had really happened last year. Admitted, his way of handling things had been far from ideal - and he had caused me a great deal of harm in the process.

But I had to admit his heart had been in the right place. Besides he was right - I wouldn't have been able to walk away from him then.

"Bella.. did you sleep well, love?"

"I slept all right.." I smiled at him. A part of me still couldn't quite believe he was back. There had been so many moments of despair, or weakness, when I had dreamed about waking up to Edward in my room, just the way it used to be.

"I'm glad. I wasn't so sure because you talked an unusual amount in your sleep last night. You seemed to call out to that werewolf quite a lot."

I felt my face grow red. I knew I shouldn't have allowed Edward to spend the night. It felt like he was picking my brain the only way he could - given he couldn't read my thoughts - by listening to me talking in my sleep. Somehow it felt like a violation. "I don't know Edward - you know I talk a lot in my sleep."

"Yes, you do but Bella.." his voice was urgent. "You don't understand - the wolves are dangerous. You should not be in such close proximity to them. They are volatile, and when they get angry they are very, very dangerous. It wouldn't take a moment for an angry wolf to completely destroy a human."

I almost snorted at that. "Edward - you are being absurd. The whole time that you were gone, it was these wolves that protected me. Why do you think Victoria hasn't still reached me? Alice might have seen her in her vision only two days ago but she has been after me for weeks."

"That may be so Bella, and I am grateful for their services. However, you should not personally step so close to them again. I can't explain to you how horrified I feel when I think of you being physically close to one of their kind." His eyes closed in despair. His voice was full of raw pain, as he imagined the possibilities.

"Edward - you are getting scared for no reason. It's not a "service" - they are my friends. The entire pack is friends with me. I have been around them for weeks, and none of them have harmed me. Even if one of them begins to get upset, the others are around to keep the situation in control. And seriously - you can't tell me hanging around werewolves is dangerous for me after what happened on my birthday."

The pained expression on my face immediately made me sorry for what I'd said. It was a low blow and it cut deep. He murmured, "I only wanted you safe... I've only ever wanted your safety my love."

Feeling guilty, I walked over to the chair he sat on and sat down on his lap. "Don't worry about them. Believe me when I say, I owe them my life, many times over. And Jake is... important to me. He is part of my life now."

I could feel Edward's eyes looking at me curiously as my face flushed pink. I didn't know yet how much I wanted to tell him about my relationship with Jake. It wasn't guilt exactly - because I had not done anything wrong. But I didn't know what I could say without complicating things even more.

"Well - this isn't the first time I have wished I could know your mind...and I am sure it won't be the last." He chuckled, planted a kiss on my forehead.

"You should get ready for school now, it's just a couple of weeks from the finals. We'll discuss the werewolves later."

He left, but I couldn't help but think -_ that discussion is over._

That afternoon, after school I headed straight to La Push since I had a pretty good idea that Edward would be waiting for me at home. Alice and he hadn't joined back at school ("after all we've both matriculated a few dozen times each before") so it had been a relatively uneventful day.

All day thoughts of Jake had plagued me. He had been so upset last night, and left in such a hurry that I hadn't had a chance to talk to him at all. I called him from my cellphone during lunch break, but Billy told me he wasn't home.

So I pushed the truck towards La Push as fast as I could, hoping I'd catch him in one of his usual hangouts.

Just when I neared the treaty line though, I saw Edward's Volvo parked right in the middle of the road. I had to bring my truck to a stop. He was sitting inside. I honked my horn. Eventually he got out of his car and walked to the truck. I knew what this was about and it irritated me.

"We'll discuss the werewolves later," he'd said.

_Fine. Let's talk._

"Bella - where are you going?" He came up to my window. He looked even more beautiful today in the cloudy daylight than at my house last night. _Is he for real? _my mind wondered idly.

"You know where I'm going Edward. La Push. To meet Jake."

"Ah. Well, love, I am not so sure that's such a good idea." His mellow voice was sad, and it immediately made me want to make him feel better. He was being very control freakish right now but it was only out of worry for me.

"Why?" I said through gritted teeth. We'd been through this already.

"Bella... werewolves are really not the ideal company for you to keep. If you wanted to make plans after school, you could have made plans with Angela or Jessica. Why come all the way to La Push?"

I frowned at him in irritation and he leaned his hand inside the window to gently rest it on my face. "Don't feel angry at me love, for worrying about you. I know you've been spending time with them while I was gone and nothing has happened to you... yet. It horrifies me to think of your having spent time with those creatures just because I wasn't there... I'm so, so sorry my love."

He wasn't getting it. I thought I should explain to him from first principles. "Edward," I said, unconsciously keeping my eyes averted from his beseeching ones. "Let me explain this to you once more. I wasn't spending time there because you were gone. I wanted to. I love them. They are my friends. And I would like to continue to do it, without having to discuss it with you every time. And I know Alice must have tipped you off about this - please tell her I don't appreciate it."

His face fell but his voice hardened ever so slightly. "Bella - Alice saw your future disappear - starting this afternoon. Starting shortly after you crossed the treaty line. She has never been able to see you beyond that treaty line. How do you expect her to feel secure that you are all right? How do you expect me to bear it?"

Alice and her vision! I really needed to put a stop to this. I would not be tracked every minute of the day like this.

"Edward. I have been going to La Push practically every day for almost a year now. Never has anyone touched me or harmed me in any way. In fact, I feel safest there. So please," I pushed the key back into the ignition and started up, "Ask Alice not to worry about the visions in La Push. I will be all right. I will talk to you later when I'm back."

I turned the truck around the Volvo and drove to Jake's house.


	26. Chapter 26

_It's literally just as I have it in my summary - what would happen if Bella was a semi-rational human being? What if she had a brain? A heart? Also, what if she was actually somewhat reasonable about key things like family, etc. _

_Hey, it's the world of fan fiction. A girl can dream :-)_

**Bella POV**

By now I understood a few things about Jake.

Like how he was able to be on the porch every time I reached - because he could hear me from miles away.

How it didn't take him any time at all to come around from wherever he was within a few moments - because he had the advantage of supernatural speed.

Why he was mostly without a shirt ... because.. uh... I felt my mind wandering at that one. Patrolling. Right. Because he went patrolling.

Or something like that.

I was smiling to myself at the stunt I'd just pulled. I knew Edward wouldn't be very happy with me but there was a part of me that was really not over what he had done. That part of me was actually kicked that he would be upset. That part of me probably wanted to continue doing rebellious things to prove to him I was free, I didn't need his approval anymore.

_That part of me was Jake's best friend. _

That part of my would have been Charlie's best friend too, if they'd known each other.

But yes, there was another part of me, the scared part, that had woken up worried whether Edward would still be there or not.

If even in the broad harsh daylight he would still think I was worthy enough.

That part of me trembled and thrilled when it recalled Alice's words - Edward thought his entire existence was meaningless without me. Me - me - me...

I knew it was unhealthy - but the fact was he made me feel so special by choosing me, it was impossible not to feel an ego boost because of him.

He could have had anyone - anyone at all. _And he chose me._

And now I knew he hadn't actually left me. It had all been for my own good.

"_Eh. He could have let you in on it, you know? Rather than treat you like a helpless toy_," Angry Bella retorted. Angry Bella the one that was Jake's friend. The other Bella reasoned with her, tried to mellow her down, and so it went for most of the drive.

I reached Jake's house, parked my truck.

He wasn't on the porch.

I went around to the garage. He was there, of course.

I knew with his super hearing and all I shouldn't need to - but until I called out his name he didn't turn around.

And when I did, he turned around so slowly, it was almost reluctant.

And then I was surprised because it wasn't Jake at all. Well, not _my Jake _anyway.

His face was set in that expression that I disliked - _Sam's face_, I sometimes thought of it as. It was the pack face, the one that wasn't for me alone.

"Hey Bella."

_Bella._ Now I knew something was wrong.

"What's wrong Jake? Are you mad at me?" I asked as I walked to him. He visibly cringed and backed away.

"Bells... Bella. Could you please stay right there?" Seeing the expression on my face, he said, "It's just that you stink, honey."

_Oh._

"Sorry Jake. I ... I sort of ran away right now. Came directly from school, couldn't go home to take a shower. Edward seemed to think that it wasn't safe for me to be around you.. can you believe that?" I laughed weakly.

Jake didn't laugh with me. _He wasn't even smiling._

Now he turned fully towards me now and took a step closer. His voice was grim as he stepped nearer, as he talked, "Let me get this right. That leach turns up after months and months. Claims that he kept you safe while you underwent a complete and total breakdown, while he was nowhere to be seen. And that sister of his. That entire family of same-aged "parents" and "kids" just gives me the creeps by the way, even before I knew what they are. But back to the point - he walks back here, spends the night with you, and then tells you not to come to La Push anymore? _And you are happy you came anyway?_"

By now he was standing right in front of me, scrunching up his nose. "Are you for real? Do I even know you?"

His words had been quiet - so why did I feel like he had just shouted at me - like he'd shaken me up?

Because he had - he'd shaken me up inside.

The disgust written all over his face was real. _Jake was disgusted by me. _

Suddenly - the realisation struck me._ Jake was jealous._ That had to be what this was.

"Jake - you told me - that I should figure it out over time - but that you'd still be my friend. Are you telling me you don't want to be friends anymore because Edward is back?" My voice was failing me, but I tried to keep an even tone. I couldn't let him see how much he could hurt me with one word, how much his answer meant.

I could have expected a lot of things from him at this point, but I didn't expect him to laugh.

But laugh is exactly what he did. His face still didn't soften. _My Jake_ was nowhere to be seen.

"Look Bella," he finally said. "I'd heard there are human beings who are more susceptible to the charms of vampires than some... and vice versa. Obviously that Cullen assh... Edward... seems to think he is in love with you. It's all very beautiful I'm sure. But have you looked at things rationally for a second?"

He continued pacing. "If you both love each other so much, do you not owe each other the respect and rationality of a normal relationship? He walks all over you one day, disappears for months, leaves others to pick up the pieces, then walks back in as if he were never gone?"

"Think about it Bella," he continued, "would you put up with this behaviour from a normal human guy? And if not - think about why you want to put up with it for his sake?"

I didn't know what to say although a lot of things could burst out of my mouth at this point - like the fact that I truly loved Edward, that Jake was jealous, that he never had any intentions of being my friend if he couldn't have _more _- and this was his way of being a jerk now that the person I had loved all along was back.

I hadn't verbalised any of this and a moment later I was thankful I hadn't, when he said, and his voice was softer than ever before, all the more dangerous for it, "Bella - s_ome people just want to be under a spell. I can't save those people who don't want to save themselves._

I know you feel like he completes you - like you are not good enough without him or he's too good for you or whatever - but if that makes you feel as crappy as you do about yourself or makes him behave like he does - do you really think that's love?

I'd be happy for you Bella - _really I would_ - if the guy actually made you happy. But with him you are just a shell of the girl I once knew - and all that's left of her is what he makes you think or feel - and I just can't condone this. I'm sorry, I just can't."

Jake backed up away from the bike - he was at the door of the garage before I even realised he was moving.

When I realised he was going though, my heart was in my throat, beating desperately.

All I knew was he was leaving me again and I couldn't take it, _I couldn't take Jake leaving again._

"Jake... please don't go.. I don't want to lose you Jake. Please."

"Do me a favour Bella," there was not even a trace of empathy on his face. "When you have any life changing discussions with Edward, _try using the phone_. Or holding your nose," he made a disgusted face and added, "And until you figure out where _my friend Bells_ is - don't call me."

He stepped out of the garage and I felt his disembodied voice float back in, his parting shot, "and don't worry - _the dogs _will still be guarding you against the leach that you're not friends with."


	27. Chapter 27

**Jake's POV**

My life was officially over. The life I'd been dreaming of anyway.

The Cullens were back. And I'd lost Bella again. _This time I was sure it was for good._

I remembered her sad face when she'd come to my garage this afternoon. I felt so torn because my impulse was still to comfort her.

But how could I justify that to myself? How could I make her feel good about the choices she was making, when they were _so goddam wrong_?

My mind boggled at her.

How could she spend the night with that leech? How did that even work? Wasn't it like frozen..like an icicle..ugh.. abort abort. Mental image - abort.

I felt like my heart was breaking in two because things had been so perfect just before that leech had turned up.

I remembered the ride back from the cliffs. The way she'd looked up at me, kind of shyly but also kind of daring me.

If I'd kissed her then, she would have kissed me back with everything she had. I had felt it in my bones.

And yet now she was gone..

I wanted to be fair to her. I knew Bella had a good heart and she hadn't been deliberately playing with my feelings.

But I also knew that the hold that the leech had on her wasn't entirely natural. She was a healthy, normal girl before him - heck, she was stronger than a lot of people I knew. She had singlehandedly raised her mother in Phoenix, and now she was raising Charlie. She could hold her own anywhere, with anyone.

But the way she'd been after he left had me thinking it wasn't normal. I've seen plenty of bad breakups - like Leah and Sam's - probably the worst possible one. And no one was ever broken up like that - left feeling like they were nothing to begin with.

Not for such a long time anyway.

It'd got me thinking and I'd done a bit of side reading. I didn't share this with Bella because she'd just feel more hurt and confused.

But apparently there were humans whom the leeches could fall in love with. The human loved them back, and slowly lost themselves to them. A hugely imbalanced "relationship".

It wasn't like being bitten or "turned" as it was called. It was just a slow degradation of the person they had been. Like in Bella's case.

The leeches had many weapons to accomplish this with. Their every aspect was a potential weapon - the human would begin to crave their smell, their taste, their touch, their voice and their eyes. They could partially hypnotize them just by looking into their eyes. They wouldn't be able to think rationally anymore, just numbed down by the whole thing, like they were lucky or blessed or something. Yuck.

I didn't know it this was what happened to Bella - but I knew whatever happened to her wasn't normal. That girl was more gutsy than to let some guy just walk back into her life as if he hadn't broken her heart and abandoned her in the forest months ago, no questions asked.

I also knew the only way to end this was for Bella to want to end it. The leech would never really leave her. Even if he physically left, he would never be out of her system - until she made up her own mind to let go of him.

Having spent months with Bella trying to get her to snap out of it, I honestly didn't think this was likely to happen.

As I was thinking of all this, I was keeping to myself at the bonfire. I didn't even know why I'd bothered to turn up, but I knew I didn't want to stay at home and tolerate Billy's pitiful looks any longer. Everyone knew the Cullens were back. Everyone knew what had happened with Bella. Any moment now he'd want to have a father-son "talk" with me - so I got the hell out of there.

Here, at least the pack knew enough to leave me alone. People seemed to be having fun - I was glad at least someone was. When Quil pushed beer after beer in my hand I just took it, arguing with him would have taken too much energy. Our wolf heat normally made it pretty difficult for alcohol to have any effect but I had finally downed enough that I was getting a nice buzz. Not nice enough to actually talk to anyone, but nice enough that I stopped glowering at the fire. Sort of.

Just then someone sat down next to me. "Cheers", I heard, as a glass bottle came and clinked against mine.

It was May.

"Cheers" I muttered. I didn't want company right now. _Even if it was wearing hot pants and had the greatest legs ever. _

"Jake - I heard what happened. You know how word gets around."

"Ungghh." I just made a grunt-like sound. I liked May a lot but I didn't want her to think she could actually, like, talk to me. Specially about Bella.

"Yea Yea I know you don't want to talk about it. Ease up." I could hear the smile in her voice. Her voice was a combination of melodious and quietly happy. It had always been that way - but I just realised how nice it was. Maybe it was the beer.

"Say, May. You've got a nice voice."

"Thanks, Jake. At least you noticed something", there was laughter in her tone, "Even if it is my voice." She mock sighed, then laughed again. I laughed with her.

Then she said, leaning towards me, "Jake, I know you don't want to talk about it but I had a thought, and it's the only thing I'll ever want to say on the subject to you. Because I know it's not my place."

I turned towards her then. My eyes were having a little difficulty focusing but she was glowing as always, and even I could read her expression. Nothing threatening. So I relaxed and asked her, "OK, I'll bite. What?"

"Well - you know, I think the world is divided into two kinds of people. One, the kinds who try to revive a dead squirrel, and the other, that lets them go without a look."

"Huh?"

"Well - I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are people who care, and people who don't. Or people who care too much, and people who don't have the ability to care enough."

I knew she was talking about Bella, but in my haze I couldn't follow her train of thought.

"Hmm... umm.." I tried to respond. It probably sounded like I was in pain.

"Jake - not every dead squirrel can be saved. But that doesn't mean you will never find something worth caring for."

With that, she dropped a kiss on my cheek and walked away.

I closed my eyes and thought about what she said but it still made no sense.


	28. Chapter 28

**Bella POV**

Today should have been the happiest day of my life. Edward had come back to me, and he was beautiful as ever. He loved me even more now if that was even possible.

And I... I felt worse than ever.

Charlie had grudgingly accepted my pleas to let Edward hang around in the living room till 8.30pm. After that he kicked him out.

I was secretly glad because Edward had been here since I got back from La Push and he hadn't left since. My conversation with Jake was playing in my head and I really wanted some time to think.

Edward hadn't been angry that I'd gone anyway. He had treated me a little bit like a petulant child, as if he were humouring me. I almost felt like if I tried to go again, he would try _again _to stop me. He just thought I didn't know what was good for me.

That was seriously annoying, even if I couldn't actually say anything to his face, because he'd feel so hurt.

_And anyway, now that wouldn't be a problem, would it, because Jake had made it pretty clear that he didn't want me to visit._

There was a new hole in my chest tonight, and it came from Jake. Even if we had been best friends and not more, I knew I depended on him for my sanity, for my happiness. I somehow felt like needed Jake more than ever. Every fibre of my being was crying out for him.

And yet, I couldn't hang out with him unless I stopped being with Edward, which was of course, impossible.

As I was thinking out these things I heard a soft voice behind me say "Bella". I almost jumped out of my skin.

It was Edward again.

"Hi Edward."

"Your father still doesn't seem very happy with me, did you feel that too?"

I giggled inwardly. Charlie was shooting daggers at Edward the entire evening.

"Don't worry, he'll come around."

"I surely hope he does. I believe in doing things the old fashioned way you know - so I'd like to ask him for your hand in marriage before I ask you."

"What? Marriage? Edward - I'm 18!"

"I know my love... we don't have to get married right away. I just feel that after making the worst mistake of my 107 year old existence - in leaving you - I need to do something to cement this bond, so you know I am never leaving again."

"Edward. I'll take your word for it. We don't have to get married - or engaged - for that. My parents will freak out - people don't get married at 18 anymore you know?"

"Please Bella - at least tell me you'll think about it. It would make me so happy to call you my very own. And then it'd feel much more right to turn you."

"What does that have to do with turning me?"

My mind was racing. Turning me had been an important subject before - before Edward had left.

But since he'd gone I'd become friends with a whole lot of people I would be loathe to leave to go into the other world, or become mortal enemies with. _Like Jake._

I'd also gotten closer to Charlie, and I appreciated everything he had done for me. I missed Renee and Phil. If I turned, I would never be able to visit them again.

The family I'd gain instead had some members who'd tried to kill me, and some who'd always been nasty to me. Having had a break from them for a while, I just didn't feel that much in awe of them anymore. Well - it was probably more that my craving for a large family was satisfied by being able to hang out with the pack, Billy, Sue, and the rest of the La Push gang. I just didn't know if being turned was what I wanted at this point.

I remembered the times I had_ begged_ for it.

I really _was_ different now.

"I just think if we were married, it wouldn't be so morally reprehensible for you to be turned, in order to be with me forever, since our souls would belong together for eternity."

Personally I thought this morality was a bit arbitrary - and I was 18 for God's sake - but I decided this was a discussion for another day.

"I'll think about it."

"Thank you love. I hope to spend all of time with you by my side - I hope you know how happy you make me." He had stepped closer to me, and now his topaz eyes were gazing into mine and I felt like I was falling, falling into them.

His cool arms came around me and he wrapped me in his embrace. His aroma filled my sense and he said, in that velvet voice, "My love, it's very late for you, you should go to bed now."

I knew I'd wanted to ask him to not spend the night tonight - but it felt almost impossible to actually say this to him. I loved him so much, and it was so lovely to have him by my side again.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jake's voice rang out in my ear, _"When you have any life changing discussions with Edward, try using the phone. Or holding your nose."_

I wasn't entirely sure what he'd meant but I felt somehow compelled to think a bit harder - what was it I had been thinking before Edward had come into my room?

Right - that it would be nice to sleep by myself tonight.

I thought about Jake's face, his disgusted expression, and mustered up all the strength I had. I looked away from Edward's eyes and I realised in that same instant, that I'd made myself look away from his eyes even when I drove into La Push against Edward's wishes.

I also held my breath.

I finally said, "Edward - could you - would it be all right if I stayed by myself at night for a few days? I .. I am still just getting used to things and I think this might be too soon for me."

Phew. I finally breathed out and took another huge breath in. The aroma immediately surrounded me and I felt weak in the knees. Did I really just ask Edward to leave?

What?

"Sure love - if that's what you want." Edward seemed to be more than a bit surprised himself but he held his composure. "I can understand - I will see you tomorrow after school. I love you Bella."

"And I love you back. Good night."

The minute he was gone, I felt somehow free - like I could breathe again.

I thought it was a wolf howl that had woken me up. When I peered in the dark I could just make out Jake's sleeping form near the foot of my bed. _When had he come in?_

I was so happy to see him. I hadn't realised how lonely I'd been feeling without him - even the entire time I was with Edward.

Jake _got me_ like no one else did. I was always a bit lonely without him.

I sat up quietly and looked at him. He looked so calm and peaceful as he slept. He looked young, much younger than he'd come to look of late. He also looked vulnerable...somehow. And in that moment all I wanted to do was protect him.

Ironic, since protecting me was what he was doing all this time.

I ran my hand through his short, thick silky hair and leaned down to brush my lips on his cheek.

Just then he opened his eyes groggily.

"Bells?" his sleepy voice melted my insides. It felt like it had been forever since I'd heard him call me Bells.

He sat up slowly, sleepy still, as he looked at me. I had thrown off my blanket in the warm night - or maybe due to Jake's heat - and I was wearing one of Jake's T-shirts I'd taken home with me one time from La Push when my clothes were wet.

As he looked at me and he woke up fully, something changed in the atmosphere. An awareness grew in me.

I was aware of just how the shape of his chest glistened in the filtered moonlight coming through my window.

I was aware of his thick lips, and how moist and soft and _warm _they had felt on mine when we'd kissed.

I grew aware of how close my thigh was to his hand and how, if he moved his hand just a few inches to the right, it would be on my naked thigh.

A heat grew within me which had nothing to do with Jake. Or everything to do with Jake. My core was melting.

Then I noticed the expression he wore.

His eyes were darker than I'd ever seen them before, and they had thesomething else look I both feared and craved.

His eyes were looking at my lips.

And then they were looking at the rest of me.

I said his name without knowing it, and hardly a moment had passed when our lips met and a fire came alive between us.

Liquid heat swept through me and I was melting in Jake's arms. His hands were around me and touching my body in ways it hadn't been touched before.

One of my hands tangled in his hair, pulling his face towards me, and the other touched his shoulders, and onwards down to his chest.

I wanted to taste him. I dragged my lips down his chin to his throat as he moaned, and then down to his chest. I peppered kisses all over his chest, licking this and that contour. He was so unbelievably beautiful.

He let me have my way for a few moments before pulling back and looking into my eyes once more. They were dark oceans I wanted to drown in. _My Jake. _

"I love you Bells," he moaned in my ear, just before his warm lips and tongue pressed into its crevices, driving me insane with desire. My hand went to his abs, and stroked down his middle to where his shorts started. His body stiffened a bit, then pulled back, but just enough to pull the T-shirt up over my head. I wasn't wearing a bra underneath and for a moment he just stared at me.

"Fuck, Bells, you're so incredibly beautiful. Even more beautiful than in my dreams." Then he pushed me lightly till I was on my back and then his lips were on my breast, rendering me incapable of coherent thought or speech. I was a bundle of sensations that he created wherever his lips traveled. The fingers of his hand ran over the nipple of my other breast while his tongue and lips worked on one. Moisture pooled between my legs, soaking my cotton underwear, and I knew Jake could smell it, because he sniffed and then moaned my name. He was all over my body, his lips were kissing my hair, traveling down to my clavicle, where he somehow knew I'd be most sensitive, and then he was nuzzling my breasts again, stroking my stomach and thighs with his free hands.

Meanwhile my hands had traveled down around the waistband of his shorts - which were fairly loose - slipped inside to his boxers and were discovering his penis. Having never come across it before I couldn't quite believe it could possibly be as big as this. It was rock hard and Jake seemed to shiver as I touched him. Just then he turned to me, and I looked into his eyes, so full of love and devotion and so much in need of me.

That was just how I felt for him. And suddenly, it was so clear, so simple to me. I was in love with Jake.

I loved Jake.

And Jake loved me.

And then he moaned, "Bells... are you sure?"

I'd never been surer of anything in my life. "I love you", I said.

He opened his mouth to say something to me. And then everything dissolved and in confusion I opened my eyes to daylight.

I had been dreaming - and I'd overslept.


	29. Chapter 29

_To everyone who is getting tortured by this fanfic - I'm sorry! __**This was **__**really not my intention.**_

_It's just that I so love Jake (in really really large, unhealthy amounts) and also I think Bella is so criminally stupid (also in supremely large, unhealthy amounts), that I could NEVER understand how it was Jake who was always begging Bella in the book. It really should have been the other way around. Jake deserves lots and lots of girls/boys begging him. He should be smothered with the tail he gets from people begging to give it to him. But he is an idiot in the book too. Even I can see that._

_So - to everyone who is trying to throw that totally dispensible hard bound copy of _Breaking Dawn_ at me - I have to warn you, it's going to get a lot, lot worse. And then in the end it may get better - but if you have a weak stomach, think again about continuing, so I don't receive another concussion from _Breaking Dawn_... reading it was head-trauma enough._

_To all reviewers who've made it so fun for me to keep writing so far - a big thanks! It's my first fic and I've really enjoyed seeing how differently (and strongly!) you guys have responded to the various aspects of my diseased imagination. I hope to PM you all individually by the end of this fic. Until then - xx._

**Bella POV**

I couldn't get out of bed. All I had to do was close my eyes again - and the dream was _still so clear_. It was the most vivid dream I'd ever had, and yet it didn't disappear with the morning light.

It stayed.

It blossomed in my thoughts. It took root. It eventually got to a point where I was no longer sure if it hadn't been real.

By the time I dragged myself out of bed it was so late that I decided to skipped school. Charlie had left a long time ago, probably assuming I'd leave soon after. It was the second time in two weeks that I'd stayed at home just to think about Jake.

I knew my realisation was real - even if it had come in a dream. I didn't know how I could be in love with two people at the same time, but that's the situation I seemed to be in.

I loved Edward. He was gentle, beautiful, and ever-patient with me. Even if he did manipulate my feelings and treat me like a child sometimes, it was only because he was from another era and didn't think I could take care of myself. For all those differences though, he was truly devoted - as he'd proved by wishing to marry me and keep me by his side for all of eternity...

I loved Jake too. He was the polar opposite of Edward - he was reckless with his feelings and mine too, and he was passionate, playful and his idea of fun was a little dangerous. I thought about the cliffs, the bikes, the wolf, and after all that, I still knew he'd never let anything harm me. He could even get angry at me, as I now knew. I almost felt thrilled when I thought of him being tough with me... I knew he only did it because he cared so much.

I needed to figure out what to do. I needed to set the record straight with Jake. He thought I'd changed, or forgotten about what we shared. I couldn't blame him for that - my reaction on seeing the Cullens return was a bit sudden too.

I needed to tell him the depth of my feelings for him, and explain to him about Edward. Maybe then he'd calm down and we could figure this out together.

I needed his help now like never before.

When I looked at the clock, I was shocked to see it was getting to be after lunch. Soon Edward would drop by to meet me after school. I needed to talk to Jake before that happened.

With that thought I took my truck and headed over to La Push. Thankfully none of the Cullens tried to stop me. Maybe my decision to visit was too sudden - or maybe Edward had finally given up trying to keep me apart from Jake. I was just glad because I didn't think I could handle another confrontation.

When I reached Jake's house I felt its emptiness the way you know a storm is coming. _By the colour of the air._ The air that touched Jake and touched me. And _that_ thought led to all sorts of other thoughts about not having any air between us to do the touching... and I lost precious minutes staring into nothing, dreaming dreams.

I knocked anyway, and when I was sure no one was home, I checked out the garage quickly. No one. I then headed towards the beach.

The pack had mostly dropped out of school in the last few weeks. They just couldn't juggle patrols and leech chasing with school, homework, and retaining their sanity. I'd felt guilty when it happened, but Sam had assured me it wasn't just because of Victoria. The growth in their numbers meant leeches were in the area and they needed to be extra vigilant.

So when I reached First Beach from just beyond the line of trees I wasn't surprised to see Quil and Embry and a few others lolling about in the scant sun. My eyes searched the faces and then I saw him. He sat quite a distance away from the others on some rocks - and there was someone with him. A fragile figure swaying in the wind in a barely-there green cotton dress._ Did none of the Quileutes feel cold?_

I drew closer out of curiosity and felt the stiff ocean breeze whoosh past me to go into the forest. I realised I was not downwind of Jake and the others, and that's why none of them had noticed me yet.

As I neared them a bit more I realised it was May. What surprised me was the ease with which she and Jake were holding hands, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I'd always seen Jake act weary of May's attentions - so when and why had they become so chummy?

Was it just being chummy? Suddenly I saw May whisper something in Jake's ear _- when there was no one around them for several feet_ - and then they both burst out laughing.

My heart was beating in my throat and I could hear the sound pounding in my head._ And still they laughed, still they held hands. _

Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, May leaned in close to Jake and kissed him, a soft lingering kiss.

I turned on my heel and fled.

**Jake's POV**

Another day, another patrol. At least we are getting closer and closer to the leech every time. It's a matter of time now before she makes that one fatal error and we catch her and rip her apart.

Sam told me to take the rest of the day off so Quil, Embry and I went to the beach to hang out. A watery sort of sun was out, and that was good enough reason for us to hang around doing nothing on the beach.

I was a bit calmer today. I knew that what I had said to Bella yesterday had probably pissed her off - although at that time she was looking like a frightened doe. But a part of me was glad I'd put it out there. At least she'd know, and she'd think harder about the choices she made.

It was like May had told me at the bonfire last night - or at what I understood of it. I would never give up on Bells - I cared for her way too much.

Speaking of May, I was beginning to realise she was really quite a cool girl. She didn't think she needed to talk to me about my _feelings_ all the time or something. This was the big reason I was enjoying hanging out with her. Plus she was seriously funny, she could keep this really straight face as she ripped the guys apart.

She was looking really cute today in a dress she kept pulling down while the ocean breeze kept trying to pull it up. _Girls! _Quil and Embry were salivating in the distance though - I could hear their whispered conversation. So maybe I was missing something... as usual. Maybe her clothes were a bit..._underdone _for the day it was, though, because I could hear her teeth chattering in the cool breeze. I reached out and took her hand then, meaning to warm her up a bit.

Immediately I remembered the times I'd held hands with Bella or pulled her in for a hug to keep her warm. Missing her was like a physical ache in me.

I sighed.

Just then May whispered to me, "I hope you're happy with the effort I've had to put into making you notice something other than my voice."

I didn't get what she said so I looked up at her confused, but she was grinning at me. She wiggled her eyebrows at her efforts to hold down her dress. "This is the last time I'm wearing something cute to impress a boy who only notices voices!" She sounded frustrated and so comical in her grief that I burst out laughing, and she joined me. I was sure she was just kidding around - all of us have known each other way too long for anyone to impress anyone. I mean we were practically brother and sisters.

Just then I realised that maybe that wasn't how she was looking at it, because suddenly her face was right next to mine. I could feel her breath on my face and she smelled fresh, a quite heady mix of cinnamon and ocean. I hadn't realised that there were flecks of light brown in her deep brown eyes. _You learn something new about someone every day._ I was just thinking of all of this when she bent down and kissed me.

It was so quick that I didn't even realise at first. I think I might even have kissed her back for just a moment.

The second I realised what was happening though, I pulled back. She was half-smiling at me, like she knew she had just done something she wasn't supposed to do. I pulled her to sit down next to me and started to say, "May..."

And she elbowed me lightly and said, "Sure, sure. I know. No kissing Jake." And she laughed her tinkling laugh. I couldn't help but grin along with her, but I wanted to tell her so she wouldn't get hurt. I wasn't one to lead anyone on and besides I was really beginning to enjoy her company.

"Yeah - no kissing Jake. Jake is still in love with someone else."

She gave me her sad smile, the one that made me want to make it OK somehow. "I know Jake. And that's true today. But life is long isn't it? And the possibilities... well, they are endless."

With that she got to her feet and pulled me back along with her to join the others.


	30. Chapter 30

**Bella POV**

It was a miracle I made it home in one piece. The tears streamed down my face blurring my vision. The rain had also started up again, mucking up my windshield. I was just glad their stupid beach party would get washed out. I hope they all had to go indoors and study for the remaining day. I hoped that girl went and put some clothes on. I hoped...gahhh.

What was the point?

I felt so angry at Jake that I didn't know what to do. If I'd known it were possible for me to physically hurt him, I might have tried. Taken the truck right back and hurt him so that he was in as much pain as I was..

The only thing that was stopping me was ...

_I had no right._

Sure, Jake was my best friend.

And sure, he'd said he loved me, and that he'd wait for me.

And what had I done?

I'd never admitted my feelings to Jake.. or even to myself.

I'd run back to Edward the minute he'd come back.

And just yesterday, I'd all but accused Jake of only wanting more and not wanting to be my friend... thereby giving him the idea that all I wanted was to be friends with him.

_Once again._

So if he'd finally stopped trying and moved on with his life, could I blame him?

Could I really blame him for falling for May, who was _fucking gorgeous_? And who had wanted him forever?

_Could I?_

The answer was yes, I could.

I was so angry my teeth chattered with anger as much as the cold.

I was hurt and bitter and angry - I tried to focus on these feelings so that I wouldn't feel the pain. It was just a twinge now, but I knew if I gave it a chance it would engulf me, drown me in it. _Jake had been my life line._

I'd never, ever felt so alone.

When I got back home, Edward was waiting for me. Even though the cold had gotten into my bones, I let Edward cuddle me like a child as I lay on my bed. He was beyond confused. I couldn't stop crying, and now hacking coughs had given way to painful wails. I was moaning like I was sick, or dying with pain. He kept muttering gentle murmurs to quiet me down - I knew this, but I heard nothing at all.

When Charlie came home I tottered down the stairs and feigned cramps - the very word made him go beetroot red - and I didn't hear a peep from him for the rest of the evening.

I decided to turn in early. Edward was seriously worried about me. He looked at me hopefully, not wanting to ask to stay when I'd told him I'd wanted space, but at the same time leaving me when I was like this was tearing him apart. His anguished eyes looked deep into mine and I heard myself utter the words, "Edward, darling, would you please stay with me tonight?"

And he stayed.

I turned in and covered up in my blanket to shield against the loss of body heat to Edward. I breathed in his unique aroma. Edward ran his smooth cool fingers through my hair, and the movement felt like it was literally un-knotting the jumbles in my brain. He whispered softly to me like a lullaby, "Bella, my love. You cry and you despair so much now. But once you're mine... once you're turned... these human tribulations will be so far away. You will know perfect calmness, and perfect peace. I had to wait for this peace because I hadn't met you - but you will already have me. You will lack for nothing. You will be the happiest woman in the world.

If you agreed to marry me it would all be so simple. There would be no more pain at all. I give you my word Bella. Be mine..."

Once again his amber eyes burnt into my very center and I found myself losing every train of thought until finally I heard myself saying, "Of course Edward, of course I'll marry you."

He kissed my face with feather-light kisses and told me how happy I made him.

His soft words lulled me to sleep as images and words flitted about my mind like fireflies, before finally giving way to the dark.

I was suddenly jolted awake by a sharp sound. When I came out of the haze of sleep I realised it had been my cell phone. I opened my eyes fully to see Edward had silenced it in just one ring, but the call was still active. Who could possibly be calling me at this hour?

Then I looked at my cell phone screen and saw the name. _Jake._

All my emotions came back, washing over me like they were bursting through a dam. Why was Jake calling me now? Since when did Jake call me, why didn't he just come up.._oh.._

I realised Jake couldn't or didn't want to come in while Edward was around. Whatever it was, it was probably urgent if he was calling at this time.

I took the phone from Edward, ignoring his disappointed look.

"Jake?"

"Bella?" There it was again. My full name as at birth. No sign of Bells.

"Bella? Are you all right?"

"Of course I am. What's the matter Jake?" I didn't want to let him see how angry I was in this conversation - but I couldn't help the note of irritation that crept into my voice.

He completely misread it though.

"Well - _excuse me_ for disturbing you in the middle of your important activities Bella." I hated this voice - it was a stranger's voice. No sign of _my Jake. _

I found it hard to focus past the hatred in this tone but his next words shook me up, "We needed to check that things were fine there. Listen carefully to me Bella - we have confirmed that the red leech is now in the immediate vicinity of Forks with two other leeches. They are running circles around the pack and so far we have kept them at bay. But Bella - we need you and Charlie shifted to La Push immediately. _You are not safe where you are_."


	31. Chapter 31

**Bella POV**

Jake's call completely froze me over until I remembered Charlie and rushed out of my room to see if he was all right. I heard his gentle snores through his half open bedroom door and heaved a huge sigh of relief.

Jake had said that four of the wolves would escort my truck to La Push, although they'd stay hidden in the woods along the road.I was supposed to give Charlie the pretext of Billy being really ill. After that, Charlie was to stay at Sue's place. I was to go to Billy's.

Personally, I was seriously doubtful about this strategy because I knew just how unpleasant it was going to get when Charlie found out that he'd been woken up in the middle of the night for a fake emergency. And they'd never be able to tell him the whole story, since it went against their law.

Oh well. _Better Billy than me,_ I thought, as I got into my truck with a worried-looking Charlie holstering his gun and slipping in beside me. I wished for Billy's sake that he'd forgotten it just this once. At least I wasn't the one who was going to have to talk my way out of this one. _Phew._

My quick, whispered conversation with Edward still rang in my ears and I found myself frowning. Edward had tried to talk me out of going to La Push, telling me that the werewolves would be even more volatile with Victoria around. He had seemed to think that the best place for me would be the Cullen household, with 7 vampires to protect me.

While he was right that the Cullens would also be helpful to be around at a time like this, I just didn't feel like that was my safest or only option. The fact remained that the last time I'd seen Jasper he had attacked me. I also had kept my distance from them since the return, because I was weary of falling into the same pattern, be their pet human so to say. Plus I wanted to be with Charlie and I couldn't very well take him there.

Nah, I'd be much safer in La Push.

My decision had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'd be in Jake's house for the foreseeable future - until the leeches were caught and killed.

_Nope, nothing at all._

When we got to La Push, Jake told Charlie that Billy was at Sue's and took him there directly. He motioned for me to go inside the Blacks' house and sleep, and for now I was more than happy to follow his dictum meekly. This was one show of fireworks I did_ not _want to see.

I trudged upstairs and down the short hallway to Jake's room. His room was really so tiny, but also somehow neat. It had an air of Jake about it. Some random car parts were laid out on some tissues in one corner of the floor. A half finished wood carving was on his fairly neat desk. There were some books and papers on a shelf on the side. His clothes were mostly kept away neatly in his drawers, with just a couple of them spilling out. I unconsciously went and folded them up and shut the drawers. I felt achingly tender towards Jake then, like I was seeing a part of him I wouldn't have been allowed to, had the circumstances not extenuating.

Then I quickly changed back to my pajamas and got into his bed. The whole bed, pillow covers, blanket and all, smelt of Jake. I guess he had some woodsy perfume he used. Or maybe it was just what he smelled like. But this, the essence of Jake, calmed me down so much that before I'd even finished thinking about what I'd say to him when I saw him, I fell asleep.


	32. Chapter 32

**Jake POV**

I loved it! _Oh I loved it. _

This was truly a once in a lifetime event - Chief Swan changing from rampaging bull to happy kitten _in under thirty seconds_.

Billy was dead right - Charlie is a bag of mush when it comes to Sue!

Oh my god - I don't even think Bella knows how Charlie feels. I really want to tell her... but maybe it'd be weird for her.

Yeah, might make sense to let nature take its course before I get her hopes up.

I'd been so curious to see what ace Billy had up his sleeve to risk his life like this.

Wow._ I'm so never gonna mess with my old man. _

After I let things settle down at the Clearwaters, I quickly went to the woods and phased. The guys told me the three leaches seemed to be running the northern ellipsis once more. They did this a lot - they ran in long circles, one or two of them in one direction, and the other in the opposite direction. What they meant to do was confuse us and boy - it was thoroughly effective. Whenever I was trying to decode their scents along those oblong paths that stretched for miles,_ which one came, which one went, how old is which trail, who was first, where did they go..._ my head seriously hurt.

Now that we had Bella in La Push, things would get easier. There was just one long stretch of woods between La Push and Forks. La Push was surrounded by ocean on two sides and flatlands and urban roads led to the mainland from the fourth side. Now that they were in our land, we'd monitor them much more easily.

I took note of Sam's schedule and phased out. I had to report back to patrol at noon.

Shrugging into my shorts, I headed home. Knowing Billy he'd already he out like a light.

I'd have to crash on the couch of course, since Bella was in my room.

When I got home, and sort of paced about in the living room, mere feet away from where she was sleeping, I started feeling strangely happy. Content is the word. I was feeling happy and content that she was here, under my roof. I could watch over her and take care of her, at least while this lasted.

_Something,_ I thought,_ was better than nothing._

The thought of her sleeping in my bed was giving me this random bubbly happy feeling. I was dead on my feet but now I lost every little bit of sleep I'd had in my body. All I could do was picture Bells sleeping comfortably in my bed. That bed was way too small for me now - but for her it'd probably be just right.

I thought hard and finally decided I needed a T-shirt to sleep in. It's not right for me to keep walking around without a shirt on, totally not.

So I sneaked upstairs to my room and tiptoed inside to get that shirt I so needed.

First thought I had - fuck - she is _so _beautiful.

Second thought - fuck - she is awake!

Before I could have my third thought, she'd jumped out of the bed and was hugging me so hard, that I gave up thinking altogether, and just hugged her back.

"I'm sorry Bells.." I knew she'd probably be angry at me. I'd been hard on her, because I was mad at her, hell -_ I was still mad at her._

But even the fact that she she was stinking of the leech _right now_, the fact that I'd literally called her while she was..._ busy._. with him... all these things that made me so mad I could've burst - even these started melting away when I looked at her face.

It felt like I'd been waiting for that look in her eyes all my life.

And then she said something which made me question if I was still alive.

"I love you Jake."

_Nope. I had definitely died and gone to heaven._


	33. Chapter 33

**Jake POV**

Life sucks. Real life that is.

Dreams though - now dreams were a different story. They made this stupid life worth holding on to.

I willed myself to sleep more deeply. Dream-Bella was now clinging to my arms. And were those tears in her eyes?

_Count on me to even fantasize about Bella crying._

She was whimpering and clinging to me and yeah... telling me she loves me. All the good stuff.

Even as I petted and cooed to Dream-Bella I thought tiredly, this is new.

I mean, this was definitely a change of pace from my usual Bells dreams. Usually my dreams were a bit more - _colourful_. Same people, different positions...

_Lots_ _of positions... _

And now Dream-Bella was telling me she couldn't live without me while I was thinking about positions. I was a sick man. Even if I was asleep.

I made little soothing shushing sounds into her silky hair. Then I sat down on the bed and pulled her to sit in my lap. I took her face in my hands and pulled it so it was resting on my chest. Man, she was small. She sighed there, wrapped her arms around my shoulders, nestled right in.

Right. This was perfect. This was too good to be true.

_So this should have been about time I woke up._

Instead, I watched as if in slow motion, Dream-Bella raised her face from my chest. She was smiling softly now even if a few drops of tears sparked in her eyelashes. She pulled me closer to herself, pulled herself closer to me, and said, "I love you so much."

And then she raised her lips right to my mouth and she kissed me.

Maybe it was my wolf sense finally kicking into action. As our lips fused I became hyperaware of a few things very quickly...

One, the floor was cool to touch, and Bells was shivering. I pulled up her legs across my lap as well, wrapping her in my arms like a gift.

Two, the loose nail on the leg of my bed was poking me and it was an uncomfortable prick, like someone pinching me - although I didn't even move an inch of course.

Three, the morning was new, the light grey-gold, strengthening through my window, lighting her hair like a halo.

Four, Bella's lips were like rosebuds, and she smelled like strawberries (I found it in me to completely ignore the other sickly sweet smell)

Five, Bella was now kissing me passionately. As if she'd been dying to kiss me. As if this kiss meant to her what it meant to me.

Six, she was murmuring "I love you I love you" against my lips, setting off little vibrations that went right through me.

Seven, my hand was in her hair, and the other one had snaked inside her top to hold her tiny waist. Her skin felt like home.

Eight, the sound of just-woken birds and the sound of the morning's tide mixed with the sound of Bella's shaky breathing was_ my_ _new favourite sound in the whole wide world._

Nine, when she placed her hand on my chest I shivered, because it felt so good it actually hurt. When she placed her lips there, I felt like a million eyes were opening inside me.

Ten, _this definitely, definitely, wasn't a dream._


	34. Chapter 34

**Bella POV**

_Golden threads. I could see them in my mind's eye. _

_I realised now they'd been there all along._

Jake was back. _My Jake. _

Sam's face was nowhere to be seen.

May wasn't hiding in any of his closets. (Although he was going to have to explain that one.)

He was grinning at me like I was Bells, not Bella.

I suddenly felt a million times lighter. We'd giggled our way out of the house with the first rays of the sun. We held hands just like old times - and it felt completely new. We made our way to the ocean, Jake simply picking me up from time to time whenever he felt like it. I'd squeal, make vague threats, ask him to put me down, he'd lift me up even higher off the ground, smirking, I'd pretend to struggle, he'd hold me tighter, and that contact would dissolve whatever words would have been in our mouths so that somehow, somehow we'd be kissing again.

He'd finally let me go, so I'd slide down his body, holding on to him for balance because my legs were reduced to jelly, and the body-to-body sensation would shoot through every nerve ending I had, making me forget a half-thought sentence, making me slide up my hands to cup his beautiful face on either side, pull him down to me, with me, _because standing was so over-rated_, and with me being dragged down by my jelly limbs, he being dragged down by me, we'd tumble down into a pile of arms and legs and pressed up body heat, and kisses that didn't even break...

_The golden threads tied me to him. If I'd only known what I'd been looking for, I'd have seen them earlier._

They vibrated from the resonance of his smile, his laughter. They glowed brighter when Jake looked at me and only me, the way he only looked at me, the way I knew he saw nothing else. I could see the bonds between us like they were a living thing, how stupid had I been to not have _simply known_ how much a part of me he was, and how completely his was I - and here were the bonds to prove it, shimmering threads, tying me to him for life...

All these realisations, in a blink of an eyelid. He looked at me, puzzled smile on golden face. I shook my head, closed my eyes. Felt something tugging at my heart. Opened my eyes, knew his lips would already be there to kiss.

I felt strong, stronger than I'd felt in months, maybe even in years. I felt like I was breathing again, like the air was really going to every cell in my body, and I was living again. I could feel everything more sharply, like I had been born again, a clearer version of myself.

In that silent instant when I kissed Jake's puzzled smile,_ I saw, I knew,_ that nothing was greater than this life.


	35. Chapter 35

**M rating warning. Unsafe premarital sex warning. Don't do it anyone. I just didn't have the heart to throw in a condom.**

**Bella POV**

OK. So I knew my life is in danger. This wouldn't have been a completely inappropriate time to panic - having a good old fashioned nervous breakdown like a little girl.

_But I just couldn't. _

Panic, I mean.

And that wasn't the only thing.

I wasn't able to eat. I couldn't get a morsel of food down my throat._ It was true._ All that stuff about losing your appetite when you're in love was true. I was too excited to do something so mundane as eat breakfast.

Jake was having none of it though, and almost force-fed me, then ate three normal adult portions himself. Bah.

After Jake left for his patrol, I thought I'd catch up on some of the sleep I'd lost last night. Shortly found out that the bit about not sleeping when you're in love? _Also true._ Sleep had eluded me for months because of worry and nightmares... now it eluded me because I couldn't waste time sleeping, when there were so many happy thoughts to think.

I did feel tired... a good kind of tired...exhausted really. Like I'd gotten home after a very, very long journey. But sleep was out of the question.

Just like I couldn't eat or sleep, I couldn't worry and panic anymore either. I had worried enough. It was a waste of time.

Really, my only problem with the whole situation right now was Jake getting into a fight with the leech at some point. That was something I wanted to avoid at all cost.

Other than this single point I was worry-free.

I went to check in on Charlie around lunchtime. I was shocked to see that even he looked really benignly happy. Maybe my own mental state was infecting my perceptions, so that everyone looked mellow and content? I'd half-expected Charlie to still be fuming and fretting to Billy about lying to him. Instead, Billy was nowhere to be seen. Sue was preparing Charlie's favourite meal - meatloaf. And Charlie looked right at home.

_Oh well. He'd always been a little strange._

I didn't know what to do with myself all day. I was really restless without Jake. For a little while I toyed with the idea of taking a quick walk close to the woods, maybe catch him and say hello. Then I realised it was exactly the kind of move that would make Sam bust a nerve. And I really didn't want to do be thought of as silly or careless when those guys were out there to ensure my safety.

So I stayed put. Watched TV, cleaned up around the living room a bit. When it got to be around dinner time, I made dinner for Billy and Jake. I hadn't seen Jake the entire day and in my mind the whole morning was hazy and surreal by now.

I hoped he wouldn't be any different from how he was earlier. I worried he'd have thought something or remembered something or somehow changed his mind, taking away _my Jake_ again.

I decided I'd clean up his room until he came, seeing as I was living there and all. I found some clean sheets and changed the sheets, dusted a bit, I put away his books and papers and was just about to leave when a little box caught my eye. It was wedged between the shelf wall and a thick book in the book-case, clearly not meant to be discovered easily. It piqued my curiosity and even though I felt like I should ask Jake what it was before I opened it, I just couldn't resist peeking inside.

It was full of loose sheafs of paper. Some were notebook pages torn in half, some were clearly torn from envelopes or even strips of blank space in the headers of newspapers.

Each of the sheafs had something written on it, and a date.

Like -

"You want me to get into trouble?"

"Florida is too hot."

"I think of all the time with Lauren and wonder how many bike rides I could have taken in that time instead."

"How are you so sure you'll be doing all the teaching?"

"Thanks for coming with me tonight"

"If this is a zombie movie, why isn't anyone getting eaten?"

"You know it pretty well actually. It's your garage."

And sometimes it was just an angry scribbles, dashed off almost against the writer's will,

"I'm not waiting for anything. I don't expect anything."

"I'm not suicidal"

"Maybe it's you who's crazy"

"I guess I'm just a coward"

"Do you think I'm OK?"

I knew what I was looking at although I found it hard to believe. Jake had documented me.

Some people took photographs. Jake took down my words.

I could picture him in this room at night, night after night, mulling over what I'd said. What tickled him, what troubled him. What drove him crazy.

He'd studied me like a favourite subject. The papers went almost as far back as our first few conversations, from what I could tell from the snippets.

I had the fleeting thought that this was so much more than I'd ever given him, maybe it was _almost too much_. How could he care like this, day after day, for a girl who didn't even quite look at him?

But then again, there had never been anything normal about Jake's affections or even his friendship. We met, and then it had just gone from zero to sixty.

So my worries about Jake changing his mind about me were replaced by some other... rather nicer thoughts. I didn't bother to replace the box or make it look like I hadn't snooped around.

When I heard Jake come back I went down, and served up dinner to Jake, Charlie and Billy, and got the day's updates from him.

He said that there had been two skirmishes with the leeches and the pack was now a bit uncertain if there were three leeches only or if there might be even more.

He looked tired, grim from the efforts, but there was a warmth in his eyes I couldn't miss. As soon as Billy went to bed and Charlie went away, _whistling,_ I took him by his hand and led him to his room.

He saw the box, and then he looked at me. He looked sheepish, with a caught-with-his-hand-in-the-cookie-jar expression. He made some vague "Erm... Uhh.." sounds, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand and looking down at the floor, blushing a deep red.

Finally he looked at me shyly, and almost like he was scared of me, said, "Say Bells. Hope you don't think I'm some freaky stalker type. I just... really like the stuff you say."

I couldn't take it anymore. I practically fell on top of him in my hurry to hold him, erase for good the unsure look from his eyes. He had broken my fall and spilled onto the bed with me in his arms. I felt him shaking and then I heard his muffled laughter, "So I take it you aren't breaking up with me over my obsessive tendencies?"

I answered him by kissing him. Hard.

Then he wasn't laughing anymore at all. He told me by the long sigh that escaped him as he pulled me closer, by the "Oh Bells" he murmured in my ear, that the day had been a long one for him as well. "I wish I never had to be away from you again." Someone said. It was probably me, although it was probably him. I couldn't separate us anymore. "Touch me, Jake," I said, although I hadn't felt the thought forming, the words modulating. They just escaped. I turned my head to look into his eyes and saw the storm inside. He raised himself on his elbow and pulled me to lie alongside him. When he stretched across me, I was pinned under him, one of his arms taking away some of his weight from me. He dipped his head to my throat, tracing fiery kisses down to the neckline of my shirt. One of his hands came and held my top button as he continued kissing my collarbones. When he kissed me again his eyes were a question and I knew what he was asking. "Touch me Jake, everywhere." A moan escaped his lips even as he kissed me and his hand that had been holding my button suddenly started unbuttoning my shirt. I couldn't feel it move, but I could tell by the sudden cool air that the cloth had fallen away, and then by an intense warmth that Jake's hands were covering me instead. Something was clenching and unclenching deep in my abdomen, demanding release.

Jake got up to all fours and looked at me lying there with a haunted look in his eyes. His eyes were burning pools of emotion. I raised my head to meet his lips and heard the anguished phrases torn from him like a thought he couldn't contain, "..so many times, but never like this... never thought it would be like this.. and you're the most beautiful thing in this world, and you're mine.. You're mine, aren't you?" and his lips were lost to me as they found my breasts. The heat was almost unbearable, the heat of his mouth as it circled my breast, taking the whole of it inside. My nipple rubbed against his hot throat and I was on fire.

My desire for him had been evident in the dripping wetness of my panties, in the movement of my hand that had so far been worshipping his torso, deep kisses punctuated by bites - because Jake could take it and because I was out of my mind with wanting to possess him. But now the need was more urgent and my hand moved to his shorts, unbuttoning them in one quick motion, before he even realised it, and when he did his eyes widened into an "Oh". "You're so innocent for such an animal" I giggled and my giggle made him groan even more and then my hand did find what it was looking for, it was hard to miss.

And now his eyes closed altogether like it was a torture more than he could bear. When they opened again he looked like he was fighting for control, and finally he asked me in the voice that sounded just like my best friend, "Bells... are you sure? We should probably take a break right now sweetheart, I think maybe you're not thinking..." My hand stretched to his mouth to cut off his words while my torso bent in the opposite direction to follow my instinct to taste him. He was hot to touch, salty to taste, and divine to feel as my mouth encircled him. From him I could just hear gasping moans and my name said over and over like was calling to me, but when I looked up at him, mouth still around him, tongue experimenting with how far down it could go before I'd have to slide my mouth as well, _this wasn't like I'd thought, this thing couldn't just go in,_ so I somehow knew to stroke he rest of him I couldn't reach with my hand, and he met my eyes and his eyes rolled back in his head..

I had just begun to really get the hang of this when he almost wrenched me away and he was begging me, "Please Bells.. I can't.." and for a moment I felt worse than with the hole, he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me, and then the golden threads snapped me to attention, of course he does, this is my Jake, and I listened to his murmurs. He told me in half choked words that he didn't know if he could hold out and that's not how it should be the...first time.. he looked so shy I wanted to love him even more except I didn't know what to do next, _where does it go, what part is this, how long does it last_, so I just told him, "please make love to me". At that he came undone.

He wasn't just my Jake, although he was him, but at that point he was _so much more. _He tugged me to sit down on him with my legs on either side, and I didn't know how I knew my underwear was torn away, and that was good, because I'd felt it was in the way, _but in the way of what, of how_, and Jake said, "I'm..don't want to hurt you Bells, I think maybe this will be easier..the wolves are kind of big..." and he lifted me and he held me over himself _there_, so that I brushed against him _there_, and that thing clenching inside me, waiting to be released started moving at a frantic pace. I knew what was needed next though no one told me, and so did Jake, and when I first felt him at the start of being inside me, I realised I hadn't really lived at all till that point.

I thought I should tell him, because I knew it hurt sometimes, and it really did look too big, even in my nil experience, so I told him, "Jake.. be careful..it's.. I'm a bit scared."

His eyes which had been glassy, with a sheen of sweat over his forehead, seemed to lose focus at that point deep inside my eyes and then _really looked at me_ and asked, "It's your first.. you haven't..?"

I would've laughed if I could've except I couldn't, not like _that _I couldn't, so I just said of course not and for some reason, he had tears in his eyes. I reached forward, brushed them off his face, he grabbed my hand and pulled me till he was able to kiss me. It was the softest kiss ever.

Then he raised me again and fractionally eased me back on him such that I felt the most exquisitely slow sensation, wanting more. Finally he looked at me and said, "The rest of it will hurt Bells.. I.. I can't.." understanding him then, I braced myself against his chest and moved myself down on him in a quick move. It hurt like crazy. I might have cried out because Jake was looking at me like he couldn't take it, and he said "no, this hurts you too much, let's stop" and made as if to move me but I grabbed his hands and kissed him again until he stopped fidgeting.

Minutes later when it no longer hurt so much I kissed Jake again and nodded and he raised me back again and moved himself slowly out of me.

The sensations were...so different. This was nothing like the initial pain.. it was a pleasure in equal measure.. he was very slow as he moved himself back in, lifting me lower on himself as well. Already I felt like the clenching was building towards a high but it didn't build up to anything, it just kept building, on and on, even when Jake moved faster, and then faster still, within me. When he moved in I felt like he filled all of me, every single part of me that had been waiting for him to come and fill me, and when he moved away I felt an aching to feel him again, and so it built on and on until suddenly my thoughts shattered and I shattered as well and the clenching finally unclenched and I was washed in the most incredible of sensations, with the knowledge that all of it came from Jake. As I was collapsing into him, he found his release as well and trembled into me for long moments while he uttered those three words I'd never tire of hearing, and my name.

_**OK.. I really hate this author's note business. Anyway. Things to say, here goes.**_

_**I'm really really hoping there are just 2-3 more chapters to this thing. This was supposed to be a 10 chapter fic. I was supposed to finish it last weekend. I am really headachy right now because the story keeps running away from me and the tone keeps changing like there are at least four different people writing this, but really, it's just me, and really, I can't describe how very depressing it is to write from Bella's perspective because she is such a freakshow, but she is right there in the middle of it all, all the bloody time. **_

_**I'm really, really hoping this has only got two or so more chapters. But there are so many loose ends to tie, I don't know.**_

_**Many thanks to MusicTwilightLove for being my first as well as 100th reviewer and being so enthusiastic and full of awesome spirit, even when I felt mostly like going and boiling my head, and really, who does that? Who goes around picking up strangers' spirits and generally being all positive and and encouraging even when things might honestly have gotten really sucky. **_

_**And MusicTwilightLove does it for not just me, but for many struggling writers. MTW - you are lovely. FFN, and the world in general, needs more people like you. Kisses.**_


	36. Chapter 36

_**Nope, guys, there has been no imprinting. There will not be any imprinting. Golden threads = random mushy stuff, what to do.**_

_**Btw I'm enjoying the smut writing so much, I think I have found my calling in life.**_

_**MTW, Team Jacob - kisses, very many.**_

**Bella POV**

I was enervated and exhilarated at the same time. Sleep seeped into my every pore as I lay on Jake. His arms hugged me tightly to himself, his hands stroked my hair. We didn't need to talk. In a while I shifted my head onto Jake's arm and lay on his side, holding him. I felt cocooned in his silky warmth. I closed my eyes and felt every muscle of my body relax. I must have fallen asleep.

When I woke up again - an hour or maybe two later - there was no way to tell - Jake was propped up on his side on one arm, watching me.

When I opened my eyes and looked into his, there was no element of a beginning, only the continuation of a conversation we might have left off just a minute ago.

I rubbed my eyes, pouted at him, accused, "Still being obsessive?". He smirked, "You have no idea honey", then leaned forward and kissed me. He captured both my wrists in one large hand and gently tugged me forward until I was lying against him with no space between us at all.

But this time I knew the possibilities. This time, I knew what the hardness against my thigh _really_ was, and I dissolved into a single need to be touched like that again. _By him._ Jake seemed to have had the same idea without my asking, because now he was touching and kissing me in all the places that made me moan. He had memorised the rhythm with which my breast, being kneaded by his tongue, made me cry out loud. He used his skilful, soft fingers to tease my core, until I was a pulsating pool of desire. This desire needed gratification, it had a purpose - its purpose was Jake.

I noticed that there was still a a bittersweet soreness between my legs. My inner thighs still trembled as if sapped of all their strength by all that had touched them, parted them, filled them. In spite of the pain, I felt an inexorable need to feel Jake inside me again.

I told him as much and his response was to look over all of me as I was lay there with a hunger in his eyes. Then he kissed me all the way down to my stomach, from there to the slick wetness his fingers were already massaging. His tongue delved into me and the combined effect of its heat and its tensile softness had me moaning louder and louder. It was no longer really possible for me to keep it down and I looked at Jake as he raised his eyes and half-smirked - _of course he was enjoying himself, _I guess I knew better than to ask why he was _so sure _Billy wouldn't hear us, or come in, or just simply know what we were doing _- _but as his eyes glittered from his vantage point across the span of my body, tongue working inside me and swirling around the sensitive nerves right at my centre I forgot that last thought as well, and didn't think anything much more at all until I cried out again, and imploded into a thousand sensations dancing around inside me.

Jake snaked back up to me, still smirking, wiping his grinning mouth as he came near. His lips found my ear, whispered "you taste like heaven" tenderly, all mirth now gone. Then he was gently parting my legs, moving over me so that I was under him. Now he was a shaft of heat entering me. I clung to him as his fingers clutched my shoulders, digging into my skin, and when he was inside - _so much easier than before, I never understood how I hadn't done this with Jake every day since forever -_ but then he moved then, and I lost my train of thought again.

He moved in and out of me, kissing my neck and my bare shoulders, biting lightly down on the soft skin of my throat and moving faster and faster. I wanted to feel him buried deep inside me, so I stretched my legs on either side of him and locked him inside, and he seemed to collapse further into me, and still he moved, faster still, and my body responded in equal rhythm, on and on, until suddenly we were both tumbling backwards from the heights of pleasure.

This unexpected interlude combined with my lack of sleep last night - for that matter for the past so many months - filled me with the deepest lethargy and a basic need to sleep. I was cocooned in silky heat. It was without question the best sleep I'd ever had.

Jake had to leave again at two in the morning. The entire wolf pack was doing 8 hour shifts so that at least two of them could be patrolling at any point in time. I wanted to curl myself up around his feet, not let him go, specially not to chase and fight with leaches, but I had no choice. He promised me he'd be back as soon, and then he was gone.


	37. Chapter 37

**Jake's POV**

If there'd ever been a time I didn't think of Bells 24x7, I sure as hell didn't remember it.

I didn't even how to live like that anymore. Not thinking of her I mean.

Everything that made me who I am, also by definition made me a guy who thought about Bells - way too fucking much.

So now when I was trying to make sure I didn't, it was really, really hard.

I stayed human as I neared the woods, trying to quieten down my thoughts. This was a night I'd never, ever, forget - not till my dying day.

_But just in case I did forget,_ _the last thing I'd want to be reminded of would be Embry and Quil's version of it_. Now that thought made me downright sick.

I had to make sure the pack didn't see her... my Bells.. the way I had.

I knew it was tough. Hell, I had been vicariously living the pack's sex life ever since I'd phased. I knew, even though I really didn't need to, that Emily liked being tied. Ugh. And that little Kim - better I don't even go there. Jared was a kinky freak.

I mean, I knew very well how crappy it was to have to socialise these moments. I also knew - second hand - how hard it was. Even Sam, who managed to block out most of this thoughts most of the time from the pack - an Alpha specialty, nature's way to making sure everyone stayed at least a little sane - even Sam let it slip from time to time.

I mean we were all teenage guys ages 14 - 20. Could you honestly blame us?

When I'd just phased I'd caught Paul snickering at my Bella-fantasies. Some of the guys knew to leave a kid alone but not Paul. He had to see - and comment on - everything. It was because of that asshole I had started trying to block out my thoughts sometimes. I was nowhere near as good as Sam - but it wasn't that difficult either. I guess it was just one of those things that came easy. I didn't put too much effort into it either, I mean my pathetic fantasies were not exactly the stuff of legends.

But tonight was. And tonight I had to make sure no one knew, no one saw even a glimpse of my Bells.

I took a deep breath and phased.

It was real quiet out here. I didn't know who Sam had put on patrol with me but they probably hadn't even shown up yet. I relaxed, and took off into a sprint toward the perimeter.

The night was fresh and felt clean and young, like summer nights from my childhood. Flashes from nights like these went through my head as I ran, the night-sounds and tree-smells adding to the nostalgia.

_Mom carrying me in her arms along the beach, the wind in her hair, blowing it onto me, bundled into her arms. _

_Charlie and Billy sitting out on the porch, Mom serving up the fried fish Billy loved. I'd be running around her legs, getting in her way. _

_Nights like this when Charlie and Bella would come over, the summer after Renee left, Charlie'd be quietly slumped after his beers and Bella'd be telling me, "Phoenix is okay... I like it here though," and she's stare up into the woods around our house._

Thinking of her then and now, I felt an aching need to be close to her again. _Mine Mine Mine_ ran my thoughts.

I hadn't heard anyone join me - that almost inaudible_ pop_ of someone phasing in or out - so the moment I felt someone there, I shut down my thoughts completely.

_I'm not going to think of Bells. I'm not going to think of Bells._

I was amazed at how easy it was to do this. I guess I had never really focused on it before. I felt a mental wall come down, my thoughts seal up neatly, not a single leak anywhere.

_Jake? You there? I thought I just heard you._ It was Sam.

_Sam?_ No wonder I didn't hear him. _The sneaky bastard was there all along, shutting down his thoughts_. I decided I wouldn't bother opening up at all.

_Jake?_ In my mind, he sounded tired. He also sounded like he knew what I was doing.

How could he know? I didn't even know I could!

_Jake - I need to talk to you. Can you grow up for just a minute?_ He sounded pissed now.

_Sure sure,_ I thought sarcastically, but kept a clampdown on my wall. I mean he could have just ordered me, and I suppose he would any minute now.

When I tried to think back though, I couldn't remember when Sam had last Alpha-ordered me. I wasn't fool enough to think it was because I was such a good little wolf. Something was up with Sam and it seemed like it involved me.

And still no Alpha order came.

I decided to find the hell out. I lifted my wall just a fraction. _Fine. You got me. Oh great one. Now spill - why are you sneaking up on me? What the hell Sam?_

_I wasn't sneaking up on you. I was just... thinking something through... So you can do this now?_

_Do what?_

_Control your thoughts. Control the pack mind connection. Shut off._

_I guess. I mean I only just tried to do it - I guess it looked like it was happening._

_Right._ I heard his sigh even in his thoughts. _Only took me years to learn._

_Oh._ I didn't know what to say to that._ Sorry then. Guess this is just easier for some wolves eh?_

_You don't get it do you Jake? It's time you woke the hell up you know. There are leaches all over the goddam res and you only have your mind on one thing._

_Wha...? Are they here?_ I growled and ran faster. I wanted to finish them off, once and for all. Internally I reinforced my wall. _I'm not going to think of Bells. I'm not going to think of Bells._

Sam sighed again. _No, Jake, the leeches aren't here. But they are always around. Jake you need to focus for a minute, listen carefully to me OK? It's time you recognised who you are._

_I know who I am Sam, I'm not a total idiot OK?_ I saw something glittering in the distance and ran towards it, but then when I got there, there was nothing except a heavy scent of some animal that had died a little ways off.

_False fucking alarm. Must've been a trick of light. Phooey... what a smell. _

_Pay attention will you Jake? I can't spell this out for you. You have to see this...yourself. Otherwise this won't work. So just pay attention all right?_

_Sure, sure. Whatever you say Sam._ I had a good mind to shut him out again. Then I decided to give him a few seconds. If he didn't drastically notch up the conversation level here, I was done.

But then he did.

_Jake - you remember the stories about the bloodlines Old Quil told us at your very first bonfire after your phased?_

_Er...yes. I think so._

_Well...do you remember what he said about the Alpha?_

Good god. Billy had only hinted to me every other day since I phased that I should think about becoming Alpha. Sam was breaking this old news to me like a brand new egg.

_I know, Sam. I know by bloodline I am Alpha. I don't want it OK? I'm happy with my life. It's prefect actually. So you keep it. You're good at it._

I could see Sam-wolf shaking his head.

_It's not about my wanting or not wanting it Jake, or about being good - although you don't realise how evident it is how much more powerful an Alpha you would be, if you accepted it. This is about a bit more than a game of thrones. Just hear me out ok? _

_Now - do you remember what he said about the right to an Alpha?_

_Sure, sure. The Alpha can command any service from his pack by Alpha orders. He can also negotiate treaties and create alliances on behalf of his people. He can declare war. In short he is a real pussycat. We done here?_

_No Jake - you are talking about the rights of an Alpha. I mean - the rights to the Alpha? Who has them?_

_Oh. _It was like a light had gone on in my head. _The pack?_

_That's right. The pack has a right to an Alpha. The pack cannot function without an Alpha. So when there is no Alpha, or the Alpha is not strong enough, the pack can choose another Alpha. As they have chosen me, or de facto chosen me after I phased first and already became Alpha._

_You mean you're Alpha because the pack hasn't decided to not let you be as yet?_ I couldn't believe it. Sam was a great Alpha. If a twat like Paul or an acidic character like Leah became Alpha, we'd all be screwed.

_Not exactly. That was true until you came along. Now that you've phased you alone can let me be Alpha. If a day comes when you're no longer in the pack, it will again be up to the pack to find an Alpha._

_Jake - the role of an Alpha is a lot more than ordering patrols or negotiating wars. The pack needs an Alpha. The mind of the wolf would be left with no connection to any sense of purpose or harmony, if it was not for the Alpha. Most shapeshifters take years to stop phasing. Until that time they are at the mercy of their wolf. And their wolf is at the mercy of the Alpha. They draw their strength and their structure from him. Do you understand what I am saying?_

_I guess so._ I wasn't convinced. I didn't really remember seeking Sam, telling him he completes me, know what I mean?

Guessing my thoughts correctly again - though he couldn't hear them - Sam said_ If you haven't felt it, that's only natural Jake. __**But I have - for you.**_

_Say...what?_

_Jake - I am barely an Alpha to you anymore. You don't even notice how my Alpha orders roll off you like water off a duck's back. I saw - I stopped ordering you long ago so the others... don't realise... the depth of my weakness.._

_What are you saying?_ I was yelling in my thoughts._ You're not weak Sam. Didn't you hear me? I don't want it. It's yours. Keep it._

_Listen to me Jake. The wolves draw their strength from the Alpha. And increasingly for them - that wolf is you. They don't know it yet. None of them have guessed. But I can see it clear as day. They gravitate towards you. They tend to listen to you even when you don't intend to order them. Your most loyal friends - Quil, Embry and Seth - are most vulnerable. Over recent months, have you noticed them seek you out, try to keep you close in times of their trouble?_

Mentally I pictured Embry sitting on our rocks on the beach, his troubled black eyes glancing at me once every while. The image slipped out to Sam.

_Yes, Jake. The entire pack needs you, whether or not you realise it - whether or not they realise it. You may have decided not to take up the mantle of Alpha now, but you can't let anything happen to you. For the sake of the pack.._

His mental voice was frantic, worried. I was genuinely confused.

_Oh boy. Even if what you are saying is true - why are you worrying about something happening to me? I am hale and hearty. Hell, I am more than that - I am the happiest I have ever been. (I will not think of Bells. I will not think of Bells.) Quit worrying, Sam._

The anguish in his scream nearly shook me up - even if it was a voice in my head - _That's just it Jake. You're happy - you think you are happy. I know.. I know.. how it is. I've been in love too, even before the imprint. But I know you Jake. I know how strongly you feel. I know how it will break you if... if..._

_No ifs, Sam. It's all right. Don't worry, she has left the leach now. She's safe, she's happy, she's with me. She's mine. (__Mine Mine Mine)_

_Has she told you that? Did she tell you she has left the leach?_

I smirked, even mentally. _She didn't have to. _Very carefully I picked through my brain, found an image of Bells in my lap this morning, fully dressed and cuddled in my arms like a child, murmuring "I love you I love you" as she kissed me.

I showed him. Just enough for it to register. Then I whipped it back, clamped down my walls.

_See?_

_Jake... tell me this. Has she told you she has left the leach?_

I felt myself grow furious. I don't know what he was trying to get at but if he thought I'd keep quiet and listen to him while he accused Bells of... of.. I don't even know of what, of not leaving the leach? Why was he acting this way?

_What the hell is wrong with you, Sam? Why are you being a sicko? She isn't lying or cheating OK? Bella is just ... she's not that sort of girl. Just leave it alone will you?_

_Jake - for the sake of the pack - listen to me. If Bella hasn't told you herself - if Bella hasn't decided it and admitted to herself - if Bella hasn't told the leach herself - that she is free of him, then she is not free of him. She will not be free until she decides to be._

Even if I was infuriated this all felt vaguely familiar. I remembered thinking this was a sick cycle Bells would have to break herself. I couldn't do it for her. And she had. Hadn't she? She'd kissed me herself. She'd told me she loved me herself. Heck...she'd done a lot more. (_I'm not going to think of Bells. I'm not going to think of Bells.)_

_Jake - I don't for a second doubt that Bella is deeply in love with you._ Sam's voice was soothing in my head now. I could see his desperation to placate me, to make me see. I wished I could see.

_She loves you, and you love her, and if this was a natural world with no monsters, I'd say you're one lucky guy, and leave you be. But the world is not And Bella is tied to Edward Cullen no matter what she really feels for you. Sure, being physically far away from him helps her. I'm sure being in our sacred lands helped her distance herself even more. In fact, I don't know this from any reading, but I'm sure being in your house, in your protection, must have freed her more than ever._

_Oh the things that had happened in my house.._. I somehow forced myself to concentrate. Sam was annoyingly, as always, right. This had been niggling me at the back of my mind - I was just too happy to think about it - but - the lack of resolution to what had happened between her and Cullen, her throwing herself into my arms the moment she was in my house - was a bit...unexpected. _Even if infinitely pleasurable. Oh God._

_So - if I hear you right - she is fine while she is here or with me or away from him. But when she goes near him again - or goes to Forks, she will again start believing its him she loves? Not me?_ I tried to not bark my thoughts at Sam. He was only trying to help. But I was beginning to get seriously pissed off with the powers that be._ One cruel joke too many, mister,_ I wanted to yell at the trees.

_I don't know Jake. The truth is none of the tribal elders or the ancient books we have could tell me. No human has ever really been documented to survive the company of a vampire long enough to experience such conflicting emotions. Most stories say the human comes in the thrall of the vampire, who has many ways of keeping the human there. In most cases the human was killed or turned soon, even if the vampire deluded himself or herself into believing they were in love. It just doesn't work does it? __Never have I read about a bunch of vampires like this, playing with the human prey, tugging at her heart strings all the time. It's a wonder Bella is still sane._

I thought about her breakdown over the past few months, the hold that monster had on her even when he was gone. He claimed he wanted to let her live but he never really set her free. And now he was back, polluting her thoughts, polluting her life.

_What should I do Sam?_

_It's not something you can do Jake. Bella needs to see this for herself. If you tell her in simple words, she will not understand it while she is here, and she will simply forget it when she is with him again. This is something she has to feel. She needs to do this herself. Once she decides to break the hold he has on her, nothing can put it back together._

_Right. My little Bells had to do this herself._

It wasn't her diminutive stature I was most worried about though. It was just that I'd seen her - how she was - when she was caught up with him.

I'd never felt so helpless.

By now I was running at the opposite end of the res, at the furthest end of the woods near Forks, when suddenly it hit me again. That rotting smell of a dead animal.

Alarm bells went off in my head immediately. It took three or four days for a large animal carcass to reach such a state of decay that it could smell like this. Mostly it was eaten away before that happened. Only if it was hidden by rocks or a tree would the decay continue like this.

In short, it was pretty rare.

And here it was, twice in one night, when I hadn't smelt even a hint of a dead animal in either area the prior two nights.

I told Sam who was on the other end of the perimeter what I saw. Before I could finish my message though, I felt something massive swing into the back of my head.

Everything went black.


	38. Chapter 38

**Bella's POV**

I couldn't sleep at all after Jake left. For one, the bed was seriously cold. Also, I was sore and in need of being hugged and told that Jake loves me. OK, so maybe I was being a girl. But tonight I just wanted to be around him.

My thoughts wandered to him again and again. Where would he be patrolling tonight? Would he be enjoying running wolf? Or maybe, just maybe, he'd be missing me as well?

It must've been two or three hours after Jake left when I heard the unmistakeable howl of a wolf. I didn't know how to tell wolf howls apart - it could have been literally anyone from the pack. It could even be a real wolf. I couldn't be sure.

But something in my gut didn't feel right. I had a topsy turvy feeling, a prickling feeling at my finger tips, at the back of my neck. I jumped out of bed and looked outside the window. I couldn't see anything except the woods.

My heart was racing without reason. I saw little point in staying in bed so I got dressed and went down to the living room. I looked out of the window there. Still nothing. Except... was that a glittering movement I saw in the woods? I looked carefully but didn't see anything again.

As I continued to look I saw a pair of golden eyes materialise in the darkness of the trees. Jake! My heart leaped in my chest. I started into those eyes, turning to walk to the door.

Then the wolf came forward and I saw - it was only Seth. _What was he doing here?_

I wanted to ask him if Jake was all right so I went out to the porch. Seth phased back in the shadows, yanking up his shorts as he ran over. When he was close enough to whisper-yell at me, he did, "Bella! Get back inside. Why are you in the open? This is exactly what they didn't want."

"Who they, Seth? What's going on? Is Jake all right? I heart a wolf howl.."

Even as I spoke Seth dragged me into the house and locked the door behind him. I thought I'd tell him that the doors were as useless when it came to vampires as when it came to the wolves, but I didn't have the energy.

He sat me down on the couch and said, "Bella, you have to stay here. I can't...I don't know what else is going on except the leaches are on the res. The pack... some of the pack saw them. There was a fight, and it's going on now. If they figure out where you are, it will be difficult for us to fight them and also protect you here since our numbers... are fewer.." Seth's eyes were wide with panic, confused by what he was, and wasn't, telling me.

I gritted my teeth. Took in a deep breath, and asked, "Seth. Where. is. Jake?"

He whimpered then, and the tear drops that ran quickly from the corner of his eyes reminded me all of a sudden, _this is just a kid. He is fourteen. This poor, poor kid. Dammit dammit dammit._

Seth was rocking himself back and forth on the balls of his feet as he waited for his voice to return. "Jake was attacked. He lost consciousness. He... hasn't come to as yet Bella. It's not like a wolf to not heal whatever it is and get on with the fight. We have... we have him protected and the others are fighting. I am supposed to warn you, then go back and join the fight because the odds.. the odds are tougher than we thought. There are five leaches. And now.. there are seven wolves. But we are trying to keep a watch over Jake as well, so don't worry about him." And then his voice was breaking again so he shut up after that. I wanted to say to him,_ and will you stop worrying about him,_ but I didn't, and I knew he wouldn't.

As he spoke the panic that had been making me restless earlier grew and found a firm grip on my heart. I wanted to shake him, tell him to go back to the pack, tell them to surrender me to the leaches and end the fight, take Jake away to safety. I didn't matter...

_This fourteen year old kid..._

And then suddenly I knew what I had to do. "Seth. I got it. I am not going to step out. You need to go and make sure Jake is all right. Make sure ...none of them come near him all right? I'll be fine out here. Don't worry." I made my voice as calm and soothing as I could given the urgency and jitters I felt. I just wanted him to leave. Looking at him was hurting me.

Seth nodded, took a hesitant step towards the door, heard another wolf howl. Before I knew it was out the door and phased, running towards the fight.

_How did they hurt, these brothers, these friends, when one was hurt, they all hurt._

This... _this _was family.

I knew what I had to do. It was something I would never be ready for so I didn't even try to be.

_Could you ever really be ready to die? _

Shuddering breath, sweat breaking out over my body, my head dizzy with fear, I quietly stepped out of the back door and stepped away into the woods, in the direction I'd seen Seth come from, towards the fight.

Memories flashed past my eyes like images on an old film roll. Jake, hugging me to his side at the beach. Jake's beautiful smile, given so readily to the world, and sometimes given just to me. Jake's voice, full of laughter and the deepest love. His body, an alluring golden in the glow from the bonfire. "Don't you own a shirt?" my frantic comment when my eyes couldn't - wouldn't - stop looking. "Does my being half-naked bother you?" with an impish grin, as he'd come nearer, knowing what it did to me. Jake in his garage, when his hair was longer, when his face was younger, and his smile was still the same. "Oh Bells", he'd mock-sigh as I'd hand him the wrong wrench, _again._

_Oh Jake._

I knew now.

So I walked, to the only way to end this, and really, I should have done this long ago. Silly of me to want to live, (and _how I'd lived_, a lifetime in just a few days, all because of him, all because of him), but this was not their duty, to risk their life for me, and this was not my place, to ask them for it, and nothing - nothing - should ever risk his life, which was altogether too precious.

And I could do this. I could stop it.

All I had to do was be bitten by Victoria. Then this would all be over.

So I walked.

Turned out I didn't have to walk very long. I was maybe a quarter of a mile into the woods, stomping my way through the underbrush, clawing at branches that snapped into me, when I felt, rather than saw, someone behind me. I froze where I was, fighting the urge to run.

A hand came up to hold my neck. It was cold, _like marble, like ice._ I closed my eyes, swayed, and fainted on the spot.


	39. Chapter 39

**Bella POV**

I felt myself coming to, floating up to the very edge of unconsciousness, and all my sense felt... awakened. I could feel the soft grass of the clearing I had been laid out in. In the distance, I heard wolves howling. Intermittently the forest floor would tremble mildly. The air smelled clean and fresh, as if just washed by rain. How long had I been out? Maybe it really had rained.

While I noticed all of this, still not quite awake, I wondered why I was still... here. Shouldn't I be dead? Or did she have other plans for me? Torture maybe?

Or was I dead and this was what death was like? A hollow persistence of the sense of existence?

I found myself not caring. One way or the other, I was done with life.

I tried to open my eyes but couldn't.

There were strange noises in my head, like voices at a far distance. I tried to listen but grew exhausted with the effort. Slowly I realised, I wasn't _actually there _at all. I could _feel m_any things, _hear, sense, smell_ things, but I couldn't actually do anything - speak, touch, move. I was just a receptor.

I just lay there in a haze, a shadow of life.

_If this is what death is like... it's worse than I'd thought. _

But wasn't life overrated too? So much pain, for so many that I loved. I pictured Charlie, sobbing at my funeral. How I'd come to love Charlie. Renee would be there, as well, squashing down sobs into Phil's shirt. Angela and Jessica would be there, and Lauren would come along, looking stricken and guilty for having been nasty to me all along. In this instant, I forgave her. Mike Newton would convince himself that I was the love of his life and would cry endlessly in the front pew. Billy's chair would wheel silently to the side, an ancient prayer on his lips in a language I should have made more of an effort to learn - even if just to better understand Jake's world while we had been friends.

_Jake._

Where would Jake be? Would he come to the funeral? Or would he feel too angry at me for having done this? Would be feel as broken as I feel without him now - dead _or_ alive?

And later, would he go on, be himself, sunny smiles slowly trickling back? Go on being a life-force for those around him?

Would he be as funny, as warm, as carefree as the boy - the man - whom I had come to love? Who had saved me?

And would he find love again one day, experience lasting joy...be whole again?

...and forget me?

_Jake._

How was he now? Was he conscious yet, back in the dangerous fight just to save me?

I pictured things, places, faces, as clearly as if they were in front of my eyes, but my eyes were closed and it was peacefully dark. Still those faraway voices played in my head. I wondered why it didn't hurt more. Was it that physical sensation left you as you journeyed beyond this world?

Even without aches and sores, the weight of the life I was leaving behind was painful enough.

_Life. Love. Jake. _

It all boiled down to him. I _had_ to leave him to save him. But would he be saved? I had felt bereft before. I knew what it felt like to love and to lose. I knew that was not what Jake deserved. Yet, what choice did I have?

Something tugged gently at my heart. A sob? A final heartbeat? I squinted within my unopened eyes and felt, rather than saw, the form of a golden thread. Pulling me upwards.

To have stayed would have meant his death. And that would have been the end of me anyway. Now, at least he had a chance.

What choice did I have?

The tugging sensation came again, stronger this time, feeling persistently real for something that was entirely in my head.

Jake.

As I dreamt of Jake, willing my last thoughts to be thoughts of Jake, his golden skin, his dark blazing eyes, suddenly the thought came from nowhere -

_There was a choice. _

_The choice I had was to **fight.**_

_Something I'd never done before for anyone I'd loved. _

_I'd cried, been lost, broken down, and then I'd been saved. But never had I fought. Never had I fought to save what I loved._

_But I had to. I had to now. _

_I would fight because Jake - and life - were worth fighting for._

I wouldn't just lie here, dead meat for Victoria to come and devour when she'd played her games. I would go down fighting, at the very least I would try to move her as far from the fight as I could. Snarls, growls and sounds of bodies crashing into trees came more clearly to me now.

It was now or never.

I willed myself with all my strength to open my eyes. I focused on my single golden thread.

I was finally awake.


	40. Chapter 40

**Bella POV**

No sooner than I'd felt my eyelids stir, those fragments of voices I had been hearing semi-consciously became clear and cogent. It was a rushed softly spoken conversation, but I could hear every word. I kept my eyes closed, listening.

"I can smell it, I can tell, Edward. I might not have been able to see anything but I can tell you with absolute certainty - _she has been with him._ With the mutt. There is no mistaking that strong stench. I have stood right next to him -_ I am sure of it_."

It wasn't Victoria. It was the pure, clear, melodic voice of Alice Cullen.

A softer voice, more melancholic, spoke next, "Maybe it's not what you think. It might be something else. Or she may have thought she didn't have a choice." On hearing the despondency in the beautiful voice, I felt a strong urge to comfort.

"Just look at her Edward. Do you not see how well she looks, how she glows? Does it look to you like that monster has forced any of this on her?"

A pause, and then the sad voice said, "She looks as if she has glimpsed heaven."

Alice snorted. "Why did you ever trust her Edward? Her human condition leaves her open to all these dangers. I told you when you left her and I am telling you now. You should have turned her the first chance you got..or at least let me..."

Turned me?

_Killed me._

The golden thread fluttered, stretched perilously. I knew then that whatever happened, I should not let it go.

"Edward - you need to take her as soon as you can, make her yours again. Now, even, while she's sleeping. I know you've always worried before about hurting her but leaving her human is no longer an option. Take her, then turn her. Or else she will never be one of us."

The desperation in Alice's silver voice was clear to me,_ but why? _I felt puzzled.

It occurred to me then that Alice had always been more willing and eager than Edward when it came to turning me. Only _now,_ hearing her desperation did I feel how odd that was.

Edward spoke softly, his voice a gentle caress, a soothing tone to tame something wild. "Alice, listen to me. You need to calm down. Her life is at stake. _Bella is not her and she will never be."_

Her?

"But Edward..." Alice's pleading, hypnotic voice rang with tears she could not shed and a passion that would have scared Bella if she had not known it was just Alice, "_She is. She is Annabel._ She has her soul, her eyes. I knew it the very first time I saw her. She _is _my sister."

Then, with an edge to her panic-stricken tone, "Edward - I can't save her without you,_ you are the one who holds her to us. _Don't give up on her again - I won't let you. We are losing her, and this time I can't see her future at all."

I struggled to understand. Vaguely I remembered bits and pieces I'd overheard in whispered conversations among the Cullens whenever Alice would be moody or upset, and specially when she was overly protective of me. I just never noticed it before because everyone in that house was so freakishly overprotective of me, as if I were a toy, a china doll.

Alice never spoke about her previous life but Edward had told me the story in broad strokes.

When Alice's family had institutionalised her, they had separated her from her sister. The two had been closer than twins - soulmates first and sisters second.

When Alice had been taken away for her treatment, Annabel had been left behind. After being turned by the unknown vampire, by the time Alice was strong enough to go near her family without killing, Annabel was already dead from a lethal disease.

_Alice thought I was... Annabel?_

Things clicked into place suddenly.

Alice had always called me her sister, but I hadn't known how much she had meant it.

I had always wondered at her generosity and the abundance of her love towards me -_ me - _with whom she had nothing in common - except Edward.

Edward, who now sounded like he was speaking in deliberately soothing tones to calm her down.

"Let Bella wake up, Alice, and we can talk to her about it. Don't forget Victoria is close by. Once she is done with the wolves she will come back for Bella. We can't leave her so vulnerable, in a state of turning. And don't forget we are in La Push - we are already in breach of the treaty." He sounded like he was trying to keep the tension out of his voice and suddenly I realised - Edward was worried. For me.

_When Victoria was done with the wolves?_

"The treaty be damned Edward!" I felt a jolt from the urgency in her voice, bordering on fanatic. "Don't you see? She is falling in love with the werewolf. We need to turn her, and before that you need to erase his claim from her. You need to take her. Or else she will never be ours after she turns, she will be lost to us. We can't lose her again Edward, we _can't._ You left her once and we almost lost her! I won't let you do this to us again. You need to bring my sister back to me."

And now, even though it was Alice Cullen, a part of me was suddenly afraid.

Alice was not sane._ As in life, so in death._

I heard a voiceless whisper in my head. _Fight, Bella._ The golden thread pulled at me.

I'd heard enough. I opened my eyes.

"Bella - Bella are you awake?" Alice's voice was suddenly close to me and it worried. As she spoke she moved closer and suddenly her scent was all around me.

For the first time since I'd known her, I felt afraid of Alice and her scent. I fought back the fear. I decided I had to keep calm and not let them know what I now knew.

Putting everything I had heard aside I choked out, "Alice - where is Victoria?" My tone would have been urgent, but my voice came out woozy, as if from several layers deep within me.

I knew I sounded frantic, even though deep within me there was a certain calmness. _I will not give up._

I knew Victoria was an experienced fighter who had spent enough time playing around with the wolves to know their moves and strategies. I didn't want her to be around where Jake was, hurt and unconscious. Even if it meant she would be around me instead.

"Victoria and her new-found friends are fighting with the mutts Bella. You shouldn't be walking around when there are bloodthirsty vampires out for your life. It's getting crazy over there! Thank heavens Edward and I smelled you in the woods.."

Then suddenly from the periphery of my vision Edward emerged in front of me. His voice shook when he said, "Bella, love. Are you all right?" Edward's scent, always so much more intoxicating to me than Alice's scent, surrounded me. To my as-yet-unfocused eyes, his beautiful form shimmered and floated just out of my reach. Without my thinking about it, my arm reached out to touch him.

In a moment Edward was by my side. His cool hand went under my head to support it as he cradled me against his hard-soft body. He murmured, "Love, my love, why did you leave..."

I watched as my arms weakly wrapped around his unyielding body. Something inside me just wanted to comfort him, stop his voice from sputtering and choking in quiet anguish, dry as tearless grief could be. I held him and caressed his sleeve, and the other part of me thought,_ this feels wrong, he is so cold..._

"I'm well now, Edward. You should not have worried."

He raised me a bit more to look into my eyes. The dejected pain in his mesmerising eyes hurt me, _physically_ hurt me to see. I leaned up to stroke his face.

Suddenly Alice's hissed voice sounded in both our ears. "Edward, you need to take her. I will deal with Victoria.. and any wolves that are left. Just take her...and do what needs to be done. For the sake of her own safety, Edward. Go!"

Her glittering eyes peered meaningfully into Edward's and I felt myself shiver. The intent behind the look was not lost on me.

I felt Edward stiffen.

And then suddenly, unexpectedly, I heard him say "Bella, we should move you away from the fight." His voice sounded strange, hollow, as if he were trying to keep it steady. I saw him give the minutest nod to Alice as a determined look came into his eyes. "Hold on my love."

Even as I registered Alice's triumphant expression, and felt my heart lurch in my mouth, Edward picked me up as if I weighed nothing and set off at his incredible speed, through the forest.

Away from Jacob, away from the fight.

Away from my life.

-xxxxxx-xxxxxxx-xxxxxxx-

When we slowed down enough for the surroundings to stop being a blur I realised where Edward had brought me. It was the meadow where he'd brought me in the spring. Surrounded by beautiful flowers and ocean breezes, we'd declared our eternal love to each other.

_What had I been thinking?_

He set me down gently on the grass but kept me in his grasp. Seemingly gentle, I knew his hold was steady as a vice. His searching eyes flitting across my face were beautiful and tender as ever but also held questions that demanded answers.

Lying here now, cradled in his arms, far away from La Push and surrounded by everything Edward, I found myself falling into his eyes. The lustrous amber of his pupils flecked with a lighter gold.

_His eyes were so full of love. _

_And he was so, so beautiful._

Gently, Edward's hands stroked my face. I felt his fingers brush my cheeks and my jaw, moving down to my neck. I felt him lift my hair away in a caress and then almost without my realising it, he tilted my face downwards to the side, so that my neck was exposed to him.

_Oh._

I felt his cool lips flutter down and place butterfly light kisses on my skin. Deep down I realised that I was in terrible danger but in that moment the velvet feel of his lips against my neck filled up all my senses.

I braced myself for the sharp pain that had to come, but instead I felt his lips trail up to my earlobe. His soft velvet tongue darted out and nuzzled the shell of my ear.

_Ohhh._

My body's response to his touch and his caresses was explosive. It was almost like an out-of-body experience as I watched my arms curl around him without my meaning to, or without my even being conscious of it.

My body was driving my responses - my mind had fled long ago.

My eyelids fluttered closed as I felt him place my head on the grass and stretch alongside me. His magical face hovered on top of mine, his eyes raining sensations where ever he looked. I felt hypnotised by his gaze - there was an unguarded look to his eyes that I hadn't seen before. He had always made it a point to look so closed off - but in this moment his lustful gaze was completely unguarded.

Just before his lips closed on mine I saw the look in his eyes was intense and almost feral. When he kissed me, I knew everything was different because instead of the chaste closed-lip kisses he usually gave me, the passion in the way his mouth moved against mine was brand new. His tongue drove my mouth open and then moved inside mine to eke out sensations and pleasures I had never before felt with him.

All the while his scent drove me more and more dizzy and I felt myself grow moist. As if realising the effect he was having on my nervous system, Edward shuddered a drawn out breath over my throat as he kissed it. "My love. my sweetest Bella.." I heard him murmur. His eyes raked along my outstretched body, taking in my form by the moonlight.

I saw him looking with unhidden desire at the top button of my blouse, just under which I could feel my erratic pulse jumping and falling, over my heart. His fingers traced my collarbones with featherlight touches finally coming to rest of that button.

As his hand came to rest on top of my heart, something within me snapped. _This is so wrong. His touch is so wrong. _

_Hot, not cold,_ I wanted to say, but no words would come out.

"J...Jake", the only word I could utter in that moment.

As soon as I said it, I felt my breath hitch free.

Unbidden, images of Jake rushed into my head.

Jake, pinning me to his side with one arm while his other hand tickled me. Jake, holding my hand by the bonfire like a rare and precious thing. Jake, towering over me and yet looking nervous, uncertain smile on his lips, a question in his eyes. A flash of white teeth in a tan face, heartwarming smile. A hand-written note, stuffed inside a shoe box. A head peeking out from under an engine to grin playfully at me.

_My love._

In my mind's eye I felt the golden thread pull taut and cleave my consciousness into two disjointed parts. That golden threat, I could suddenly see so clearly, tied me to Jake.

The part that fell away was the part that had been ruled by my traitorous body. As soon as I felt my strength, _my will,_ returning to me, my reactions to Edward stopped. Everything... _everything stopped_. I couldn't remember any of what I had been feeling.

Except that I was extremely cold, held between cool marble arms, with a cold hand resting on my heart.

Gathering all of my strength at the very core of me, I shook suddenly, trying to push off his hand. It didn't budge an inch.

"Edward", I said, in the softest tone a human probably wouldn't even have heard. "It's over."

As I looked up at him and his hooded eyes slowly opened wider. Slowly they transformed with clarity and the knowledge of what had just happened.

I was free.

As the realisation hit him, I saw his eyes burn with a pain far worse than any I had seen on his face. He involuntarily gasped as he jerked his hands from my body, but continued to look deep within my eyes to confirm what he'd already understood.

In that instant I knew that even though he held every power to, Edward would not hurt me.

"I'm sorry, Edward." I was sorry - for I had once believed he was my forever, and I knew now how wrong I had been. I could also see clearly now that I really had been his forever.

And in his case, forever really meant forever.

"Bella, my love. I can't hold you to me by any force. I wish - I wish destiny had been kinder. I suppose this is payment for my past sins."

Grief clouded his expressions. There was a lot I wanted to say to him. That destiny would not punish a soul as kind as his. Even if he had cloistered me and kept me captive in my own life, even if he had abandoned me, I knew it was out of a misplaced sense of duty. I wanted to tell him the days of his sins were long over and he had more than paid for them. That I was grateful for the purity of the love he had give me - grateful that he had valued my life when I myself had not valued mine.

I couldn't find the words, but from the way he looked at me I knew my eyes spoke volumes.

"Be happy always my love. Always know that I will be in the shadows to keep you away from harm."

At that moment, suddenly he looked up from my face to the shadows behind us. I craned my neck to see behind me. Had Victoria really followed me all the way here?

I couldn't find it in me to feel scared.

If Victoria had defeated the wolves and Jake was... Jake was... She might as well kill me. I was finally free.

I'd die a happy death, and go where Jake was.

"Get your hands off her you filthy bloodsucker", a growling voice emerged instead from the tall grass. Slowly from the shadows a figure moved forward and as it moved closer in the moonlight I recognised who it was..

_Jake._


	41. Chapter 41

**Jake POV**

Sam can say I am the real Alpha and he is welcome to his delusional fantasies - but I know what I am.

_I am an idiot._

The very first time I smelled that rotting stink, I should have known something was up. If Sam hadn't been distracting me with his Alpha bullshit, it would have registered I am sure.

I mean since when did patrol become hot gossip errands? If I ever get out of this alive, I am so having a word with Sam.

_Holy crap! I was thinking about disciplining Sam?_

Maybe his bullshit was getting to me too.

I was getting impatient. I could feel the fight gathering pace, mere yards from me. The ground was shaking and howls tore the air.

Any moment now the healing would complete, that final synapse would fall into place, and I'd be able to spring into action.

_I couldn't wait._

Already it felt like it had taken too long but then again, what did I know? It wasn't every day a vamp gave me severe head trauma right in my backyard, you know?

_"How could you hurt your head when there's nothing in it?_" Yep, that's what Bells would say. I could just hear her teasing tone in my mind.

You had to know you had it real bad when a girl was in your head, teasing you, when you were-blacked-out-but-not-quite, with vamps ten feet away, and a crazy fight going on_. _

_Yep. Real bad._

Strangely I couldn't hear any of my brothers. Sure, I could hear the earthquaking bangs and booms from the fight, and the vicious snarling those guys were getting so good at.

("First indimidation, then attack", the memory of Sam's snarling voice rang in my ears. Christ, patrol training had scarred me forever.)

But I couldn't _hear_ them. I couldn't hear anyone's thoughts. Had I gotten so good at this lock-up-Jake's-thoughts thing that I'd just locked myself out of everything? I felt panicked for a moment but then I remembered I hadn't been in lock down mode at all. I was telling Sam about the stench when something completely slammed into me from behind. I guess I was just cut out of the pack mind until I gained consciousness.

Even if I was technically unconscious I had figured out by now exactly what had happened.

That red haired leach had been tracking our patrols. Damn, she was smarter than we'd given her credit for. Hurts me to say, but true.

This explained all the random almost-attacks she had carried out. The bitch was tracking us. Where we patrolled, when, how many.

She knew the weaknesses of the patrol - _hell, even I knew them_ - and I'd told Sam - we needed three wolves for the main night shift.

But Sam, weighed down by the Council, who were freaked out by parents of wolves who knew fuck-all about the pack - and just wanted their kids to go to school sometimes - didn't allow it.

"Two, Jake", he'd said, "we'll make two wolves count."

That's what he said - and then he went into yapping mode tonight. _Real sharp move, Sam._

Those leaches had come into our land from two angles - and they had covered their own stench in one of the few stenches in the natural world which was even stronger.

Fresh rotting corpse of a massive animal wins out over an old rotting human corpse sealed in marble skin.

I hadn't had a clue.

And I bet they'd found the tallest trees at the centre of the forest to wait in, until I walked right into their party. And then they creamed me.

_Shit and fucking hell._

I wanted to bloody something, real fast, and I couldn't understand why I still couldn't wake up.

It was like I was a single point of consciousness, but no actual feeling in my body. I did not have eye lids to open. I didn't have feet to twitch. I was just ... hanging.

And even hanging like this I knew my brothers were almost outnumbered, and one of them was running around me at all times to protect me. I had become a liability to my own pack.

_Some Alpha you called, Sammy_.

I forced all the random thoughts out of my mind and tried to focus on my consciousness. I wanted to get up. I needed to get up. Bella needed me to get up.

_C'mon Jake. Heal!_

-xxxxx-xxxxxx-xxxxx-

**Sam's POV**

Fighting while you're feeling guilty is pretty difficult. I've been here so many times.

The first time I phased and ran wolf for a month..

The anger and disillusion in my old ma's eyes when I'd come back home, only to run out every night without talk, without explanation.

_Guilty._

Leah's burning eyes when it was all I could do not to take her in my arms and comfort her. I couldn't do anything at all. I was numb, tied to another woman - her cousin - so that I could never touch Lee again.

_Guilty._

Emily's anguished yelling, her shrieks still rang out in my psyche like it was yesterday. The doctor, telling me she would live. My teetering feet, supported by a just-phased Jared, who looked at me with pity in his eyes.

But Emily's eyes, as she lay wrapped up in gauze in that hospital bed, full of this sick forgiveness, the compulsion of our love... and the smallest tinge of fear I couldn't ignore and would never forget.

_Guilty._

And now I might have to live with the guilt of six young lives decimated in one night, the end of our pack, and maybe even the eventual end of our tribe. That's a lot to be guilty for.

All because I was too weak to be an Alpha.

I'd _had to_ tell Jacob, matters were getting out of hand. Embry and Quil were beginning to show signs of being able to stand up to Alpha orders. Seth was young but piped up much more than young pups had before Jacob had phased. The pack was dangerously close to coming undone, even if they couldn't sense it yet. If I didn't tell him he would never wake up to his real place in the pack. The pack needed him.

And he was as good as a lost cause, chasing after that Swan girl, and that stupid girl caught up with leeches and not knowing what was good for her.

_I'd had to warn him. _

But I was weak again, and I let my fear for the pack take over my mind and I'd engineered the patrolling shifts so I could talk to him.

"Two isn't enough, Sam" I heard his frustrated, insubordinate tone in my mind, clear as day. He had been right.

Two wasn't enough, Jake.

I'm sorry.

_Guilty._

And now the pack was working with a scattered brain. Seth had one eye on Jacob at all time. He was a sitting duck for a powerful vampire. Quil and Embry were fighting hard but distracted. Even Jared and Paul, my most skilled fighters after Jake, were showing signs of distress, whines mixed in with their growls, and their thoughts were a jumbled mess to me.

The pack needed Jake to wake up - I needed Jake to wake up - and it had been two hours and Jake hadn't woken up.

_Guilty Guilty Guilty._


	42. Chapter 42

**Jake POV**

Having wolf sense rocks sometimes. I might be out like a light to the the world, but my senses were on high alert.

So much so that just by the thuds and sounds playing out a little way to my right, I could map out what was happening mentally.

The bitch had brought along four pals. Goodness knew what she had offered them for their services? _I get the Swan girl. You guys can have the entire res. Native blood? Yummm_.

Or maybe they'd planned to branch out into Forks, check out the local scene. Who knew leaches and their mysterious fucked up ways?

But here there were, five of them, from the sound of it each of them skilled in combat and out for blood.

With me out of action, our numbers were now six, with Seth staying so close to me the whole time he was barely in the fight. Good for me though, because I heard the red haired one come towards me, yelling and spitting at least a few times. Each time Sam and Seth had pulled her away. Sam was trying his best to mess with her happiness, but I didn't think he was a match for her. He could hold her up, sure, he could detain her a good long time, but sooner or later she stood to gain the upper hand in that battle.

Jared was doing good with the leach he'd picked, if his snarls of pleasure were anything to go by. Paul had ripped off his leach's hand at one point - the stench particularly strong from that open flesh - but he hadn't been looking when the leach rolled to the hand and joined it up again. Paul was now snarling and clicking his teeth, and that sounded like another even match.

Embry was having the toughest time. He sounded distracted, and his whines were louder than the others. I listened closely. Quil too, was agonising over something. Both of them were holding off their adversaries from crushing them, but from the snapping jaws and flailing sounds I heard, I feared that was all they were being able to do.

_C'mon, c'mon, c'mon Jake. Heal!_

I listened closely once again, trying to hear any wolf thoughts out there at all. But mentally, there was radio silence.

Suddenly I heard a painful whine coming from the corner where Embry's wolf was fighting the big leach that had set upon him. Even as my heart thudded into my mouth, I heard the sickening crunching of bones. The leach was crushing Embry.

Then there was a crashing noise and I knew Seth had gone and knocked Embry out of his hold. Little Seth. Embry had fallen to the ground and not gotten up again. _C'mon Em. Gimme a sign you're all right._

I heard Seth's wolf snapping and circling the leach but I knew it was a big one. I trembled deep within as I thought of Seth joining Embry on the floor of the forest.

Why oh why couldn't I get up? This was worse than the worse torture.

Just then I heard a sound - and it was music to my ears.

It was the sound of Paul Lahote snapping the head off of the leach he was fighting.

Vicious snarls ripped the air as the pack realised what had happened. Paul was tearing up the leach to pieces with his teeth now and then I heard the tell tale click of a cigarette ligher.

_Smoke, sweet smoke._

As I heard Paul bound over to Seth to help him in his quest, I felt my spirit relax. The pack was all right - for now.

I focused my energy deep within me. _Bells._

Bells needed me. Hell, I needed her.

I gathered every ounce of concentration I had to focus into my brain to make it heal quicker. I willed my blood to run inside my head, slosh around and fix whatever it was that needed fixing. _I really, really wanted out of this._

I closed my eyes, deeper and darker, and focused.

Then I saw it.

It was floating right in front of my eyes. What was this strange thing that I could see, when I could see nothing else?

It looked like...a golden thread?

You gotta be kidding me! Floating threads in my head?

As I stared at it though, an amazing sense of calm seemed to settle all around me. The noises from the fight faded into the background. The thread shimmered and hovered in the near distance.

And just like that, somehow I knew. This thread was Bells, and I was Bells in another life, and she was me, and we were one, and she needed me, but she was also fighting for me, and I would fight with her. I would fight for her.

_I'd fight against myself if that was what I had to do._

As I thought that thought suddenly the force of my will gathered power it hadn't had, and shoved my consciousness awake.

_Wake up, moron. Time to get Bells._

I opened my eyes and sprung to all fours in one undulating movement. As I surveyed the scene I saw Paul and Seth had started tearing into the leach they were fighting. Jared was mockingly playing with what looked like an ankle as the leach he was fighting cringed and raged around blindly.

My eyes flicked to Quil, who was heaving next to a tree, the leach he was fighting walking menacingly towards him.

I thundered at him, and I recognised the Alpha timbre in my voice only when it registered with the others, _Quil, quit being a girl. If you don't want to play, pass the leach to me_.

With a dazed look in his eyes, Quil's wolf eyes snapped onto mine. I saw his mouth curve into a wolfish smile and then before I realised what was happening, he had bounded into the leach and torn away a shoulder.

_Attaboy._

I looked quickly toward Embry but he too, looked revived. His wolf was gingerly moving his limbs to see how far he had healed. I heard his voice in my head, _Good to have you back, Chief._

The person who was most surprised that I didn't fight the nickname was myself.

I looked at Sam who had pinned the redhead in his grasp but was struggling with restraining her. In one leap I was in front of him, and in one snap I tore off her head.

_Thanks Jacob,_ I heard Sam's low voice fill with a quiet peace.

_Sam, you have to ask the guys to clean up after themselves. I'm going to find Bells._

_Sure Chief._ I could hear Sam's smile even in my head.

-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxxx-

I had only gone a few paces into the woods when the fresh smell of leach hit me. I was stunned and disgusted - involuntarily I reared myself on two legs and let out a massive howl.

Then I recognised the stench from that evening at Bella's house.

It was the Cullen. The girl. Although I could smell the asshole had been around as well - - - and then I could barely contain my glee.

This was a breach of treaty. This meant I could kill them with impunity.

And oh boy, was I looking forward to it.

Just then Bella's small face registered in my mind and I thought, _"awww hell"._

It might be awful but Bells would not be happy with me if I killed these leaches. With that sad thought, I phased into human.

_What a colossal waste._

"What are you doing here leach?"

"Taking care of you, you mutt. You are not going a step further than this before Edward takes Annabel out of harm's way."

"Huh? Who is Annabel?"

Jake looked at Alice a bit more closely and saw the fiendish glint in her eyes and also the dilated pupils, the babbling voice.

_Holy crap, this vamp is smoking something funky._

"Bella. I mean Bella. Edward is going to keep Bella safe and you aren't going to do a thing about it."

"Edward has Bells?" I couldn't control it. My voice boomed louder than the wolves' howls in the distance. I was shaking with anger.

"Yes, Edward has your "Bells". And believe me you are not going to see her again. First he is going to undo your... handiwork... you sick mutt. He will make her his. And then he will turn her."

Anger, pure and undiluted, coursed through my veins. It throbbed in my temple and I didn't know if I could wait long enough to phase before I attacked her.

Only the memory of a gentle connection tying me to Bells controlled me in this, the worst most furious of my tempers.

Unfortunately for the leach, she did not read it for what it was. As she added in a taunting voice, "He is probably almost done with the first part now", I could control it no longer.

That leach, fairly agile as leaches go, had not even a clue what hit her. One moment she was standing, the next she was pinned to the ground, a solid weight as unmovable as stone restraining each of her limbs.

I wasn't even phased. I didn't need to be.

As she looked into my animal eyes I knew she felt, for the first time in a long long time, a fear of dying.

She probably sensed that something had changed about me almost imperceptibly, but a change had come for sure. I could feel it pretty strongly.

"The only reason I am not killing you right now is because Bells wouldn't approve. Do you understand me, you filthy bloodducker?"

Only the smallest whimper of acknowledgement could come out of Alice's throat as that too was shoved under my elbow.

"If I so much as smell you near her again I will not be so generous. Now get away from here and never come back."

As I released her, she jumped up to stand brokenly and set off at a frenetic pace away from me just as I set off in pursuit of Bella's scent mixed with the leach's.

I ran and jumped over a log, phasing mid air and letting out an ear-splitting howl of sheer rage.


	43. Chapter 43

**Jake's POV**

I followed the trail at the fastest I had ever run. I bounded over the treaty line, and well into the forest on the other side, before the trail ended and petered out into some lower trees and a clearing. The smell was incredibly strong now.

I inched towards the smell, not wanting to surprise him into attacking or hurting her in anyway. My teeth gnashed when I heard his stupid voice talking to my Bells.

_I mean, he wasn't even alive._

At least if he was talking to her it had to mean she was still alive... didn't it?

Did leaches talk to corpses too?

Quashing down the sick thoughts coming into my head with zero control, I inched even closer, and could vaguely make out shapes in the distance. Three cheers for night vision. I could see Bells from where I was and I could hear the tiny flutter of her heartbeat.

_Alive._

I took a deep breath in relief.

That was when I realised that her smell was deeply mixed in...his smell..yes, even the scent coming from her own body.

Had he seriously...?

Unable to control my fury any longer I growled out "Get your hands off her you filthy bloodsucker" and walked out into the open.

When I saw the look in her eyes I felt like a new man - a broken man brought back to life. _She was just so beautiful._

And now she was looking at me like she had been waiting just for me, like I was the sun and the moon, and whatever, like she wasn't just sitting in his lap and wasn't completely wrapped up in his stench, like they hadn't very clearly just been making out three seconds ago.

And still her look made me weak at the knees. _This girl is bad for my brain, _I thought.

But I love her so.

"Bells?" I murmured, wanting to reassure myself with her voice. I had to know she was all right.

"It's all right Jake. Everything's fine now", she was beaming at me.

When she said that I finally tore my gaze away from her face long enough to glance at the leach.

What I saw on his face startled me.

I'd always told her the leach wasn't alive but there had been _some _spirit in him, even if the only thing he was ever spirited about was my Bells.

And now he looked like a dead man walking. He wasn't just dead, physically, which he'd always been, but he was dead inside.

His spirit was broken. It was plain to see.

_The end of hope is the end of living,_ I thought, pretty randomly.

He looked at me like I wasn't there, like he didn't recognize me, like he no longer cared. I knew that if in that moment I had walked up to him and snapped his neck into two, he wouldn't have so much as squeaked.

He walked away without a single word to either of us. Just as he was about to leave the field he turned back for a last look at Bells and I saw the burnt hollow of his gaze. It was like a dying man being offered a last glimpse of life.

In that moment I forgave him too. I mean what the heck. It wasn't his fault he fell in love with Bells. Who could not love Bells? Hell it wasn't even his fault he was a sick corpse still walking around.

_But if he ever came back to mess with her again... I swear to God... _

The remainder of my thought stayed unfinished as I felt Bells leap into my arms.

"I'm free, Jake."

As I looked at her I realised what she had meant. This, in my arms, was my Bells. The Bells I fell in love with. The Bells she was _before _she became a hollow shell of the girl I loved.

She was herself again.

And how I loved her.

If it was possible to die of too much happiness, I would be in imminent danger right about now.

But then she was reaching up on her tippy toes and pulling my head down to her lips and I thought,_ think I'm going to focus on getting a lot more happy right now before I consider dying._

Then I kissed her back with all I had.


	44. Chapter 44

_A big thanks to everyone who's read and/or reviewed. This was my random experiment with fanfic and you guys made it a lot of fun for me with your keen interest in the story, reviews, and enthusiasm. Sorry about the long break towards the end, things got a bit busy in real life, but I hope I hadn't held back on any lemony goodness or tortured anyone unnecessarily._

_While writing from Jake's POV is a lot of fun, if I ever take up another story, it'll either have a Bella who is not so seriously annoying or written in third person maybe? Writing from her POV really puts me off my food._

_Big thanks to all the regular reviewers for all the encouragement - if I haven't PM'd you by now, I will definitely do so now that the story is over and I can stop being OCD about it._

_One question before I wrap this up - answer me in your reviews/PM/anywhere: who do you realllllllly prefer: Taylor Lautner or Jacob Black? :-)_

_xx_

_M_

_-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxxxx-_

**Jake's POV**

"And what was that whole thing with kissing May on the beach?" Bells was pouting. And fuming.

And I was loving every second of this.

"Well - you didn't seem that interested so I just took this where it's better appreciated you know?" I smirked at her as I swept my hand in the general direction of my body. As I knew she would, she swatted me. And then she clutched her hand and said, "Ow."

I would've stopped her - but she is just so fucking cute sometimes even when she is hurting herself.

It was the weekend after the big fight with Victoria. Bells and I had gone to the beach in the evening for a walk. There was a bonfire later on that I was looking forward to. Showing off Bells as my rightful girlfriend and not just someone I was pining for - now there was a good thought.

The summer was drawing to a close. As the last few summer evenings often were, this one was a beautiful golden pink and warmer than most. I was looking at the wind sweeping through Bella's silky hair, ruffling them up and down her neck and bare shoulders.

And now I was getting distracted by her shoulders and specially her collarbones. I really was like a moth to a flame.

"JACOB BLACK. Will you or will you not tell me what was happening between you and May?"

"Uh...Bells. I want to tell you but it's really distracting to talk right now." I bent down to plant a quick kiss on her neck before she could protest.

She tries hard, but she's as bad as me. Soon we were falling to the sand, my hand inside her shirt, unhooking her bra, her one hand in my hair to hold me tight to her and the other one moving straight down the back of my shorts to my butt.

She really seemed to like my butt.

"Jake..Jake..tell me please.." her shuddering breath was tortured as she pulled away from me. Suddenly I focused on her expression and realised she was worried. And as I blinked into her face her eyes actually filled with tears.

I gaped at her like a dumb fish. _I made Bells cry._

Right. Time to set this straight once and for all.

I held her chin between the thumb and forefinger of my right hand while I wiped away the runaway tear with the thumb of my left hand. I pulled her up right up to me and smiled at her. When another tear threatened to slide down her cheek I leaned in and kissed it away. Then, just for good measure, I kissed her all over her face anyway.

A face like this should be kissed constantly.

Between kisses I told her. "Bells, it was nothing. I told May I was in love with you. I mean she knew it anyway. Everyone knows it. Everyone has always known it, even when you didn't. She was just...trying her dumb luck I guess, same's as I was trying with you honey. I just got lucky."

She pouted again. She was so cute when she pouted, she had no idea what it did to my central nervous system. I pulled her to sit on my lap as I leaned even closer. "What's bothering you?"

"She's pretty."

"Why, yes I guess she is."

"Urgh. You think she is pretty!"

Oops. "Uh, no Bells. I don't think she is pretty. I mean I don't think about what or how pretty she is at all. Bells... I don't think about anyone else except you. I never have. When are you going to see that?"

I suppose something about my desperate voice or the look in my eyes must have finally gotten through to her because she suddenly smiled at me then and kissed me again. This time, I didn't let her go though.

Whenever we could, we came all the way to the end of Second Beach where I knew we wouldn't be disturbed if... uh..things went out of hand. And I could feel them going out of hand very, very fast.

"Bells?"

"Hmm?" She made a humming noise against my neck as her tongue traced little hot circles in the dips and hollows connecting to my shoulders. Her quick fingers were pulling off my shirt as she did that (when did she work down the buttons? I had no idea) and then her tongue was sliding to my chest and ..I was in heaven..

She paused just a moment to ask me, "Were you saying something sweetheart?" and looked up at me with a naughty smile.

"I ..uh.." I had actually forgotten. My hand traced the shape of her head in gentle caresses, while the other one quite audaciously worked the zipper of her shorts.

She leaned down to help me with that.

_God I love this girl._

By now I was half-raised on my elbows on the sand, and when she moved back up she hovered along on top of me, smiling. Pulling her head to a side gently and bunching up her shirt, I bent down to run my tongue along her loosened bra cups, teasing her nipples with little sensations. Groaning, she straightened for a second to pull off both shirt and bra in one swift move.

_Thank you, God._

Almost naked now, and with none of her initial timidness, she was so enthrallingly beautiful. Her brown wavy hair rocked against her breasts in the sea breeze and I felt a wave of tenderness for her fragile beauty.

She must have seen the dopey look on my face because she suddenly gave me a mischievous smile and grabbed hold of me through my unzipped shorts. Holy crap. Thought pretty much fled after that as I pulled down her candy apple lips to suck. She pulled off my shorts with a little help from me and as I sprung free, standing remarkably straight, she smiled against my lips in our kiss. Still kissing she readjusted herself so that she was angled just above me.

"Just like the first time, isn't it Jake?" she asked in a saucy tone.

"For me it'll always be like the first time, honey." And it was.

As she playfully rubbed herself against me, making my cock throb painfully, (oh she knew exactly how she was torturing me) she whispered, "I want it as badly Jake" and lowered down, sinking me into her, until there was no further to go.

With one of my hands at her breast and my lips on the other one she moaned to me "Jake, you feel so good inside" just before she moved a couple of inches up, and then sank back down. Delicious sensations started building up from the tip of my cock all the way to my stomach as she moved herself up and down my length.

She was so warm, so tight, and right in front of my mouth she swung her pendulous breasts so sensuously, as she herself arched and moaned into the rocking sensation that filled her with the same delight it was filling me with. As my hands moved under her beautiful round ass, to arch her up even further and rock her back and forth even harder, even faster - Christ she weighed nothing at all, I could rock her so fast - I too bucked into her with every move and every sensation.

Her fingers clawed down my shoulders to my pecs and for a quick moment she dove in and she nipped me in one pec, just a bit hard so that pain and pleasure mixed into my bloodstream and I rocked even harder, all the while my every sense filled with Bella's beauty. Her fingers traced the muscles on my abdomen absently as I clenched and unclenched and she felt them tighten with every move.

She closed her eyes and lost herself completely to the sensations, moaning loudly now with each of my thrusts as I realised noises also came out of me, and we both built up to a peak where there was suddenly a blinding feeling of pure pleasure that only we could give each other. I felt her nails clutch into my arms as she yelled my name and as I felt her walls clenching around me. I too then suddenly shuddered into her, moaning "Bella Bella Bella" like a prayer that I'd never stop saying.

As we lay there in the sand, almost sated, still tracing patterns in each other's skin because it was irresistible not to, I held her close to me to let her hear my heart. I loved her. I had loved her now in her playful tigress mood. And tomorrow when she'd whine to me about Lauren and Mike ruining her day and Charlie's failed cooking attempts, I'd still love the crap out of her. I'd love her when her beauty wouldn't be quite this fragile, when time would make her a woman. I'd love her one day when her belly swelled with new life, _our child_, and I'd still love her when our teenage daughter's fights with her would make my life a living hell. I'd love her so long as I lived and she lived, and then I'd love her every day for all of eternity beyond that.

Did she even know? I'd tried to tell her but maybe.. I should try again.

"Bells? I remembered what I was saying."

"Really, smart boy? What was it?" I felt her smile on my chest, her warm breath escaping with a tiny laugh.

"I love you Bells, you know that?"

"Yeah, silly. I do. I love you too."

"Great. Good. I just mean, I wanted to tell you I love you. I mean I don't just love you, I .."

OK, this wasn't going to well and now she was laughing a little bit harder into my chest and it was distracting me a bit more, making it tougher to form sentences.

_Jake. Talk. Your brain is not a total sex-addled idiot yet. Is it?_ I tried to Alpha order myself into making sense but that had never worked before where Bells was concerned.

"Well, so as I was saying, I want you to know, that although you might not see it yet, since I am maybe marginally younger and still in junior high school, and you think you are going off to College where you will meet the _real man of your dreams_" (another swat to my head at that, another "Ow") "I still thought you should know that _one day_ a guy is going to put a ring on your finger and that guy will be the luckiest guy in the whole world." I raised my head just a bit from my comfortable position so I could lock eyes with Bella whose face was still on my chest. "And that guy will be me."

This time I was the one who was laughing when she came up slowly to look me in my eyes, tears were in hers and all I could say was, "Oh honey, what's to cry about?" as I hugged her to myself, and she just said, "You idiot, I love you" but it got muffled in my mouth because then she was kissing me.


End file.
